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Good writers: Fix this clunky sentence I can't seem to fix
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Poast new message in this thread
Date: April 30th, 2021 9:48 AM Author: Mind-boggling amethyst telephone therapy As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C and containing D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376133) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:57 AM Author: chartreuse judgmental institution "C was seen driving in the X area, with D as a passenger, by both A and B."
(no one gives a fuck whether A and B were driving or doing a standing 69 at the time they saw these faggots) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 12:01 PM Author: aphrodisiac violet ladyboy deer antler they do if its an auto case. Contrib or comparative play a role potentially. Better to keep it clean.
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Date: April 30th, 2021 2:10 PM Author: bateful station Your sentence doesn't even say that A and B saw C and D, just that they passed them. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42377665) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2021 12:40 PM Author: Honey-headed comical digit ratio plaza As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42386999) |
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Date: February 25th, 2022 1:42 PM Author: shaky vermilion toilet seat Subject: Quick fixxx As A and B were driving in X, they passed a car driven by C containing D as a passenger.
EDIT: LMAO at the date |
Date: April 30th, 2021 9:52 AM Author: Transparent razzle-dazzle dilemma gay wizard “As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C. D was a passenger in C’s car at the time.”
Would break up the sentences. Your original sentence isn’t terrible though. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:53 AM Author: mewling zombie-like stag film sex offender (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376148) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: Mind-boggling amethyst telephone therapy i thought about breaking it up -- it worse because it puts emphasis on "D was a passenger in C’s car at this time" -- which is a minor detail.
it doesn't really matter whether C or D is the driver. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:56 AM Author: Transparent razzle-dazzle dilemma gay wizard Ah m, okay. For some reason I assumed that D was the main person. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376166) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:03 AM Author: Mind-boggling amethyst telephone therapy C and D are both involved. I continue to use the term "C's car" for clarity (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376201) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:51 AM Author: chartreuse judgmental institution "at this time"
ROFL |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:54 AM Author: aphrodisiac violet ladyboy deer antler Need to clarify at some point whether A or B were actually driving. Or were they in two separate cars, both of which passed C. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376155) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: Transparent razzle-dazzle dilemma gay wizard Yeah I just worked with the isolated sentence in question b/c I didn’t know what the surrounding sentences are like. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376160) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:04 AM Author: aphrodisiac violet ladyboy deer antler You can do it in another sentence, but it's going to be important to be clear who was driving in the passing car. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376205) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: low-t trip police squad While driving in the X area, A & B passed a car that C was driving with a passenger, D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376157) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:57 AM Author: Big Wine Dysfunction (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376168) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:58 AM Author: Useless Onyx Orchestra Pit As A and B were driving separately in the X area, they passed a car driven by C which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376174) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: Snowy temple quadroon This suggestion isn't meant to be used word for word, just generally to give you the right idea on how to handle this sort of thing, please develop as part of an exercise in your own development as a lawyer. Really need to break this into clauses that explain everything.
As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C and containing D as a passenger.
WHEREAS A, B, C, and D are human persons domiciled in Jurisdiction Y
WHEREAS X is a certain area in Jurisdiction Y
WHEREAS A, B, and C are legally authorized to operate motor vehicles ("cars" and each individual such vehicle a "car")
WHEREAS on that certain date, A, B, and C were operating cars.
WHEREAS on that certain date, D was a passenger in the car operated by C.
Now, therefore be it resolved, on that certain date, the aforementioned cars traversed on intersecting paths in Area X.
[I assume by "passed" you mean "passed" as in "they passed by each other while headed in different directions," revise if you mean they were going the same way and A/B's cars passed/overtook C's car.]
Please handle and recirculate, thanks. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:03 AM Author: Mind-boggling amethyst telephone therapy (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376203) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:45 AM Author: Laughsome alcoholic abode ratface (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376392) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:25 AM Author: pungent primrose legal warrant (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376657) |
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Date: May 4th, 2022 12:40 PM Author: Rose reading party travel guidebook Very clear, no ambiguity, reads like 1st order logic, I like it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#44453959) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: Sable odious headpube parlour As A and B entered the X area, they looked at each other, and although none of them said a word, they understood each other perfectly. It was X area after all. Are there any Xs around, they wondered? They passed a beaten-up vehicle with ridiculous oversized chromed wheels with C as a driver and D as a passenger. X's! - thought A and B. C and D did not think anything. They were high. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376178) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:36 AM Author: vengeful french chef (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376332) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: Multi-colored Whorehouse (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376340) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: insecure turdskin national security agency FRIENDLESS FAGGOT BIRDSHIT A was driving some FAGgOt BIRdshit car alone(some other NIFmGGA was drivomg alone in another car) they passed ALPHA TURD C , who has MANY DRINKING BUDDIES, SO NATURALLY HAD A PASSENGER (most likely an AZNgirl getting wet for MAMMOTH TURDCOCK) (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376183) |
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Date: May 1st, 2021 12:19 AM Author: Bisexual Cobalt Stage (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42380818) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: Bisexual Cobalt Stage As A and B were sucking each other’s cocks in the XXX area, C drove by with D cumming in his ass. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376184) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: mewling zombie-like stag film sex offender i think you nailed it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376191) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: mewling zombie-like stag film sex offender i hope everyone appreciates the mental illness being performed right now. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376189) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: Violent Beta Queen Of The Night A and B passed D and C, who was driving. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376194) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: Turquoise Concupiscible Public Bath Fanboi (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376341) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:52 AM Author: chartreuse judgmental institution sounds like a riddle (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376816) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: aquamarine 180 idea he suggested sweet tailpipe i hate this crap
As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed by D driving with C. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:05 AM Author: Mind-boggling amethyst telephone therapy i wish this works and it sounds nice but it seems slightly off (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376206) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:06 AM Author: aquamarine 180 idea he suggested sweet tailpipe As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed by D (who was driving with C).
This is it |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:07 AM Author: Mind-boggling amethyst telephone therapy doesn't it need "D's car" (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376216) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:42 AM Author: aquamarine 180 idea he suggested sweet tailpipe it says he was driving, which means an automobile.
if you think specifying what kind of automobile is a key detail then can add that |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:05 AM Author: aphrodisiac violet ladyboy deer antler Why do you need B, assuming A was driving. Don't say B was driving. Ever. If he wasnt.
As A was driving, they passed ... |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:06 AM Author: Erotic spruce gaping site you have to make it more exciting. keep the reader interested.
"Where did this take place? In X. And what happened in X? A and B were together in a car. And what did that car do? Why it passed by another car, a car driven by C. And was C alone in that second car? No, no C was not. C was with D. That's right. A and B passed C and D. It's all true." |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:08 AM Author: bat-shit-crazy pit Were A and B both at the wheel? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376217) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:13 AM Author: mewling zombie-like stag film sex offender turns out it was a tandem bicycle. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376233) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:20 AM Author: Turquoise Concupiscible Public Bath Fanboi (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376607) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:18 AM Author: Citrine Rebellious Regret As some faggot and his friend were driving in the restricted area, they passed a car driven by a nigger and containing some other faggot as a passenger. Regards, I hope this helps. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376246) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:26 AM Author: bright motley casino The two cars passed in X. In one, A was driving B. In the other, C was driving D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376290) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:29 AM Author: Violent Beta Queen Of The Night star crossed lovers. reads like brokeback mountain (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376306) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:31 AM Author: bright motley casino still the best way to do it. He has more than a handful of items to hit: location, two cars, who was each driver and who was each passenger, that they passed.
This does it and leaves no uncertainty at all |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:35 AM Author: Multi-colored Whorehouse Okay? Wow. Hey. Picture this: Cars A and B. Right? Going through section X. *makes large "X" using forearms* And boom! Right there, they pass car C. *makes "C" using hand* A car which, at the time, was containing D *unzips pants* as a passenger. *pulls cock out of fly* Any questions? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376331) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:44 AM Author: Effete cuckoldry hospital So, we need to talk about A driving around with B. Here's the thing: they were in X area, and what's problematic is they passed by C—yes, THAT C. C had a passenger at the time, D. Here's why that's not okay. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376389) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:49 AM Author: iridescent supple volcanic crater I just copied this from a brief. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376419) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:55 AM Author: Excitant mauve main people set Each of A and B were driving in AREA. They both passed a car driven by C with D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376456) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:05 AM Author: tantric son of senegal A and B passed a car driven by C, who was transporting D as a passenger, as they drove through the X area. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376505) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:07 AM Author: Exhilarant hideous immigrant two people, a & b, drove past c driving with d in his car. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376517) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:13 AM Author: Pale aromatic skinny woman C and his passenger D were traveling in X area. A overtook and passed them. B overtook and passed them too. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376555) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:19 AM Author: Cerise cheese-eating step-uncle's house fat ankles As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C, which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376600) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:24 AM Author: Lake Doobsian Center Haven’t read any of the replies, so someone else may have made the same suggestion, but I’d go with:
While driving in the X area, A & B passed a car containing C (driver) and D (passenger). |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:27 AM Author: Mint Kitchen This was basically gromjoh's poast above except his was more concise. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376665) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:34 AM Author: Irradiated Lime Address (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376704) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:40 AM Author: Snowy temple quadroon (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376736) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 2:08 PM Author: iridescent supple volcanic crater (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42377648) |
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Date: February 22nd, 2022 10:01 AM Author: Irradiated Lime Address (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#44008887) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:33 AM Author: up-to-no-good house circlehead writing MFE's, any resources on improving clunky writing? I recently jumped from GOV to tech (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376695) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:33 AM Author: Snowy temple quadroon Did you try the hydro hack? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376699) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:40 AM Author: Talented sanctuary toaster What’s that (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376738) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:41 AM Author: Snowy temple quadroon You should drink more water, you're probably dehydrated. This will, among other things, improve cognitive function and therefore improve your writing. While you're at it also check your posture I bet you're slouching right now. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376746) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:49 AM Author: Laughsome alcoholic abode ratface (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42376800) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:17 PM Author: Contagious olive becky theatre Just write in the active voice with short simple sentences, subject verb object. Not hard (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42377389) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:16 PM Author: Contagious olive becky theatre A and B saw C driving in X (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42377381) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:28 PM Author: Mentally impaired people who are hurt andy and brad were driving around brooklyn when they passed carl and dave in their car.
this doesn't define who is driving and who is riding though.
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:38 PM Author: charismatic forum I am gay (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42377484) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 3:36 PM Author: Mint Kitchen great thread (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42378176) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 3:39 PM Author: Pearly private investor half-breed Shitty writing is putting too much into one sentence. A and B were driving in the X area. [query: are they both driving separate cars?] C driving D passed them. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 8:29 PM Author: Erotic spruce gaping site A and C, drivers, were in different cars, driving through area X, and with them were B and D, passengers; B was with A while D was with C; A and B passed by C and D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42379691) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2021 12:50 PM Author: Erotic spruce gaping site (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42387061) |
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Date: May 23rd, 2021 3:44 PM Author: Erotic spruce gaping site (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42509184) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2021 12:36 PM Author: Snowy temple quadroon Where are we on this? Thank (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#42386977) |
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Date: February 22nd, 2022 10:06 AM Author: Confused lodge jew As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C in which D was a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#44008916) |
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Date: February 25th, 2022 1:44 PM Author: chartreuse judgmental institution OP, does this help? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#44032743) |
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Date: June 22nd, 2022 9:32 AM Author: exciting shivering nowag office i don't think anyone reads shitlaw shitpaper so it doesn't matter. aren't state court judges borderline retarded? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#44722512) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 12:23 PM Author: Pet Relief Area (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#49827186) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 12:42 PM Author: UN peacekeeper "and containing D as" -> "in which D was", otherwise fine (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#49827205) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 1:15 PM Author: hmmm i think weather is fraudlies Lots of helpful suggestions in this thread but I’m not sure we’ve got it figured out just yet. Let’s put a pin in it and move on. OP: what’s the next sentence? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#49827228) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 2:57 PM Author: Pet Relief Area (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2),#49827363) |