INT. LARRY’S HOUSE – MORNING

Larry is pacing with his phone on speaker. Jeff sits on the couch eating a muffin.

RECEPTIONIST (V.O.)

We actually aren’t taking new patients right now.

LARRY

What do you mean you’re not taking new patients? You’re a doctor. You take sick people! That’s the job!

RECEPTIONIST (V.O.)

I’m sorry sir, but Dr. Klein’s panel is full.

LARRY

Panel? Am I buying health insurance or seeing a doctor? What is this—Marvel Phase Four? Too many characters on the panel?

Jeff shrugs sympathetically.

RECEPTIONIST (V.O.)

You’re welcome to check back in six to nine months.

LARRY

Six to nine months?! I could be dead! Then what? “Oh good news, we’re taking new corpses now?” This is crazy!

She hangs up.

LARRY (CONT’D)

Unbelievable! I can get a table at Spago faster than I can get a physical.

INT. JEFF’S CAR – LATER

Larry and Jeff are driving.

JEFF

You know, doctors really do prioritize established patients. You gotta “establish” yourself.

LARRY

Establish myself? What am I, a restaurant? “Oh sorry, we can’t see you until you’ve proven you’re consistently delicious for three years.” Why is there a probation period for healthcare? It’s health! It’s not TSA PreCheck!

JEFF

Well, they don’t know you yet. Some people just come in, get treated, then leave forever.

LARRY

Ohhh, god forbid you treat the person who needs medical help! Very selfish of me, wanting to live.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON

Larry somehow got an appointment with a different doctor. He sits across from DR. MEYERS, who stares at a clipboard.

DR. MEYERS

So you’re… a new patient.

She says it like “convicted felon.”

LARRY

Why did you say it like that? “A new patient.” Like I’m sticky.

DR. MEYERS

We just have a different process for new patients.

LARRY

Do you have a hazmat suit for me? A dunk tank? What’s the process?

DR. MEYERS

We need a full intake, which can take up to three appointments.

LARRY

Three? For what? I don’t even get that many dates before someone ghosts me.

DR. MEYERS

We like to understand your medical history.

LARRY

My medical history? I’m 78. My medical history is: things hurt. That’s the whole chart. Print it out.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – LATER

Dr. Meyers finishes listening to Larry’s chest.

DR. MEYERS

If you were an established patient, I’d have more flexibility. But as a new patient, I can’t squeeze in everything today.

LARRY

Why not? Am I in some kind of rookie league? Like the Doctor Minor Leagues? Call me up to the majors!

DR. MEYERS

It’s just policy.

LARRY

Policy! Always policy! You know who never says “policy”? People who actually want to help you. Nobody at a bakery says, “Sorry, we can’t give you a bagel, you’re not an established bagel customer.”

INT. PHARMACY – LATER

Larry tries to pick up a prescription.

PHARMACIST

Says here you’re a new patient. Insurance won’t approve this yet.

LARRY

Insurance won’t approve it because I’m a new patient?! How does the insurance company even know? Do they have binoculars? “Oh, he’s new. Deny it.”

PHARMACIST

They said you need to establish care.

LARRY

Establish care?? How do I do that? Do I salute? Do I pledge allegiance to Blue Shield?

The pharmacist stares blankly.

EXT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – PARKING LOT

Larry storms out and runs into RICHARD LEWIS, who’s holding a smoothie.

RICHARD

Larry! You look like you just got audited.

LARRY

Worse. New patient.

Richard gasps.

RICHARD

Oh my god. You’re basically a medical nobody.

LARRY

A nobody! I’m a healthcare persona non grata! They treat me like I’m trying to sneak into a country club.

RICHARD

It’s a nightmare, Lar. I had to “establish myself” before they’d check my prostate. By the time they did, it had seniority over me.

They walk toward their cars.

LARRY

I’m telling you, the whole system’s upside-down. They don’t want new patients, they don’t want sick patients—who do they want?

RICHARD

Healthy established patients.

LARRY

But if I’m healthy and established, I don’t need them!

RICHARD

That’s why they like you!

LARRY

So the best patient is a person who never comes? That’s not a doctor, that’s a landlord!

Richard nods gravely.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5799642&forum_id=2)#49441391)