First, about this friend: he’s financially successful and his career is on the upswing and peaking. He’s making a lot of money. He has a lot of friends due to his extraversion, friendliness, and interest in common topics, especially traveling. He is a good looking fellow, and he is primarily control/agency stabilized with esteem/status secondary, low coherence, low meaning/narrative, medium attachment/belonging. He is part of an upper social layer and is a figure in his community.

Alternatively, as regular readers know, I am primarily coherence stabilized, with secondary stabilizers of control/agency and meaning/narrative. I have very low esteem/status or attachment/belonging drives. I think the ambivalence is seeing someone my age, from a similar background, become rich and successful in this world - the gulf in career trajectories and life trajectories only widens, deepens, becomes more clear as one ages - really valued for what he is doing, with no psychological or psychosomatic “tax” being paid for following his own path, while my calling is toward a pessimistic esoteric spirituality which has resonance with only a tiny, tiny, tiny number of people worldwide. Yes, I’ve argued that an Abraxian worldview can spread only by resonance one soul at a time, not as an egregore for mass adoption; but there is still a part of me that does want recognition and success for my efforts, of course. I have to live in the real world as well; unless I made a career off of this work somehow, there is still bills to pay, food to eat, taxes, gas, insurance, etc; this means that, even though I pay a significant psychosomatic “tax” interacting with an extraverted, money-obsessed, status-obsessed shallow and forgetful world, I have to live in this world at least in part, in my friend’s world, even though he doesn’t have to live at all in mine. And so that rankles.

But there is another layer to this too: I cannot fully follow my path fulltime, even if I had the financial resources to do so; and the reason for this is it is too easy for it to become an echo chamber, my path requires me to place myself into uncomfortable situations that then cause me to reflect on the various issues, energies that arise from those situations.

So this is a situation of the crucifixion of the opposites: I can’t follow my path full-time even if I had the resources to do so and wanted to, because I must place myself in situations that are outside my comfort zone constantly in order to continually refine my worldview. But this increases my resentment as well, because it is torn between competing poles. Most of the time the resentment is backgrounded - it’s not suppressed, I acknowledge it, it’s there and probably permanent based on this structural condition - but from time to time it becomes foregrounded, especially when I am interacting with age peers who have become so successful in life. Or to put it another way, it hits upon my secondary stabilizer of control/agency, making it jealous and temporarily foregrounded.

So ultimately this isn’t about my buddy, who I consciously do want to be successful and happy and have a great life, but I do recognize the underlying jealousy at the lack of psychosomatic tax he has to pay, how easy it is for him to do his calling and get rewarded by society for it, while I am crucified between the opposites and almost totally unrecognized for my calling work, even as I have to live in my buddy’s world and he doesn’t have to live in mine. There’s nothing to be done about this functional contradiction, either; the mere articulation of these crucifying energies is the Hermetic function, it lowers psychosomatic pressure by articulating it and sharing it with others; and the feedback I receive from others, too, helps keep me from falling into an echo-chamber.

This is just one example of the work, but I’m constantly juggling and dealing with competing energies like this on a continuous basis.

https://substack.com/@hermesofthethreshold/note/c-330430719

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5900920&forum_id=2)#50117866)

Maybe I misunderstand some of the Abraxas stuff, but it would seem to me that the final pill one can attain through your understanding is to fully engage with the world as it is and do what your friend has done. Not so much "make a bunch of money and it takes care of everything," because I actually think money is secondary. Rather, it's the idea of pursuing the work one is good at and being a "good neighbor" so to speak. It sounds like your friend sees work and money as part of a whole life, which also includes friendship, family, hobbies.

If your friend was a Police officer by trade and just made Captain or something (and made less $$$), this would still ring true.

I have long felt that every person basically has a lane through which they can really succeed. If they stray too far outside of their lane, they will have a more difficult life. If they stay in it and really apply themselves, they have a chance to maximize their potential.

Some people figure out this lane early on. Some do, but don't accept it (a recipe for pain IMO). The most successful people tend to understand their lane and pursue it with vigor early on. It sounds like your friend did that, hence his "returns" are now compounding meaningfully.

All that said, I'm sure he also has tons of self doubt privately. And I imagine he also has some of the same "lol wtf is this world even" thinking (even if his terminology would be very different from yours), but he may have found what he's really good at and just embraces that. And perhaps by doing so it has alleviated any existential crap that would otherwise bog a person down. Especially in the world we inhabit today, but not exclusively to it.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5900920&forum_id=2)#50129045)

Consuela's fatal flaw is that he believes anyone with his level of insight would become similar to him; pessimistic, isolated, and depressed, so anyone who seems outwardly happy, personable and successful must be blind.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5900920&forum_id=2)#50129155)

That's myopic, puerile and arrogant. It's how edgy teens think. People with terminal, debilitating illnesses manage to have happy and successful lives. People living under conditions far worse than USA 2026 do as well. You being defeated by your insight doesn't prove anything.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5900920&forum_id=2)#50129808)

Yes, I think someone with my particular level of insight would carry a weight and feel depressed. My lineage is the continental philosophical pessimist lineage - Cioran, Weil, Schopenhauer, Dostoevsky, Berdyaev, etc. The question is how can one live a productive and meaningful life in spite of that.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5900920&forum_id=2)#50129817)

I won't belabor it further, so I'll just end with this. You claim you're on this individuation journey that requires brutal self-questioning and analysis. Therefore, at least as a thought experiment, you should be able to consider that I'm right and the consequences of that. What if your friend and tons of other happy, successful people have the same, or even far superior, insight as you?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5900920&forum_id=2)#50129923)

yes, its just that this lane may be wider or narrower per individual, and the degree of success may vary wildly. not everyone has a lane which will result in sparkling material success, and so accepting one's heleq versus another's much more sparkly, more successful one can be difficult

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5900920&forum_id=2)#50129232)

There is also a lot of data that after a certain point (which isn't that much), money doesn't really move the needle.

I have no idea what line of work you are (or were) in. A consistent pattern I have seen with peers is that if they went into a field solely because of money potential, it has often worked out poorly. And obviously it is hard to pivot after being in a space for some time. IMO after about 32 / 33, it becomes VERY difficult.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5900920&forum_id=2)#50129786)

So the difference is that I have to pay a substantial psychosomatic tax by doing something for money which is not my calling, while my friend can do his calling and not pay the tax. That is largely the source of the resentment/friction.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5900920&forum_id=2)#50129809)

If you were to find work that let you better apply the underlying skill set, you would feel happier and also make more money.

Unironically you probably could've been one of the few truly effective therapists because you are able to understand root cause issues. Possibly something like a recruiter, but only in niche industries IMO.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5900920&forum_id=2)#50129847)

Living totally in a world of ideas is a road to madness IMO. Obviously I enjoy many of your ideas, but think you may martyr yourself too much (for lack of a better way to put it).

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5900920&forum_id=2)#50129876)

Also bitterly cast it off and strive for more.

Be grateful for what God has given you and also believe you deserve more.

Its a crucifixion of opposites.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5900920&forum_id=2)#50129088)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5900920&forum_id=2)#50129106)