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Good writers: Fix this clunky sentence I can't seem to fix
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Poast new message in this thread
Date: April 30th, 2021 9:48 AM Author: vivacious up-to-no-good school volcanic crater As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C and containing D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376133) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:57 AM Author: Drab stead pistol "C was seen driving in the X area, with D as a passenger, by both A and B."
(no one gives a fuck whether A and B were driving or doing a standing 69 at the time they saw these faggots) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 12:01 PM Author: violent motley resort faggotry they do if its an auto case. Contrib or comparative play a role potentially. Better to keep it clean.
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Date: April 30th, 2021 2:10 PM Author: harsh navy hominid Your sentence doesn't even say that A and B saw C and D, just that they passed them. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42377665) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2021 12:40 PM Author: Canary Weed Whacker Affirmative Action As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42386999) |
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Date: February 25th, 2022 1:42 PM Author: maize dashing organic girlfriend parlour Subject: Quick fixxx As A and B were driving in X, they passed a car driven by C containing D as a passenger.
EDIT: LMAO at the date |
Date: April 30th, 2021 9:52 AM Author: Stirring Jet Sneaky Criminal “As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C. D was a passenger in C’s car at the time.”
Would break up the sentences. Your original sentence isn’t terrible though. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:53 AM Author: unholy gay wizard mood (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376148) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: vivacious up-to-no-good school volcanic crater i thought about breaking it up -- it worse because it puts emphasis on "D was a passenger in C’s car at this time" -- which is a minor detail.
it doesn't really matter whether C or D is the driver. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:56 AM Author: Stirring Jet Sneaky Criminal Ah m, okay. For some reason I assumed that D was the main person. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376166) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:03 AM Author: vivacious up-to-no-good school volcanic crater C and D are both involved. I continue to use the term "C's car" for clarity (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376201) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:51 AM Author: Drab stead pistol "at this time"
ROFL |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:54 AM Author: violent motley resort faggotry Need to clarify at some point whether A or B were actually driving. Or were they in two separate cars, both of which passed C. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376155) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: Stirring Jet Sneaky Criminal Yeah I just worked with the isolated sentence in question b/c I didn’t know what the surrounding sentences are like. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376160) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:04 AM Author: violent motley resort faggotry You can do it in another sentence, but it's going to be important to be clear who was driving in the passing car. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376205) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: Rebellious Box Office Tank While driving in the X area, A & B passed a car that C was driving with a passenger, D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376157) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:57 AM Author: mahogany newt (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376168) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:58 AM Author: Cracking jap sanctuary As A and B were driving separately in the X area, they passed a car driven by C which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376174) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: Topaz Marvelous Market This suggestion isn't meant to be used word for word, just generally to give you the right idea on how to handle this sort of thing, please develop as part of an exercise in your own development as a lawyer. Really need to break this into clauses that explain everything.
As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C and containing D as a passenger.
WHEREAS A, B, C, and D are human persons domiciled in Jurisdiction Y
WHEREAS X is a certain area in Jurisdiction Y
WHEREAS A, B, and C are legally authorized to operate motor vehicles ("cars" and each individual such vehicle a "car")
WHEREAS on that certain date, A, B, and C were operating cars.
WHEREAS on that certain date, D was a passenger in the car operated by C.
Now, therefore be it resolved, on that certain date, the aforementioned cars traversed on intersecting paths in Area X.
[I assume by "passed" you mean "passed" as in "they passed by each other while headed in different directions," revise if you mean they were going the same way and A/B's cars passed/overtook C's car.]
Please handle and recirculate, thanks. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:03 AM Author: vivacious up-to-no-good school volcanic crater (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376203) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:45 AM Author: Dead ticket booth party of the first part (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376392) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:08 AM Author: Brass sandwich (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376526) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:25 AM Author: federal orchid hell (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376657) |
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Date: May 4th, 2022 12:40 PM Author: ungodly excitant forum Very clear, no ambiguity, reads like 1st order logic, I like it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#44453959) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: garnet theater stage As A and B entered the X area, they looked at each other, and although none of them said a word, they understood each other perfectly. It was X area after all. Are there any Xs around, they wondered? They passed a beaten-up vehicle with ridiculous oversized chromed wheels with C as a driver and D as a passenger. X's! - thought A and B. C and D did not think anything. They were high. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376178) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: peach gaming laptop puppy FRIENDLESS FAGGOT BIRDSHIT A was driving some FAGgOt BIRdshit car alone(some other NIFmGGA was drivomg alone in another car) they passed ALPHA TURD C , who has MANY DRINKING BUDDIES, SO NATURALLY HAD A PASSENGER (most likely an AZNgirl getting wet for MAMMOTH TURDCOCK) (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376183) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: carnelian generalized bond school cafeteria As A and B were sucking each other’s cocks in the XXX area, C drove by with D cumming in his ass. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376184) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: unholy gay wizard mood i think you nailed it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376191) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: unholy gay wizard mood i hope everyone appreciates the mental illness being performed right now. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376189) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: Hilarious New Version A and B passed D and C, who was driving. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376194) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: autistic light windowlicker becky (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376341) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:52 AM Author: Drab stead pistol sounds like a riddle (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376816) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: Anal Community Account Locale i hate this crap
As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed by D driving with C. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:05 AM Author: vivacious up-to-no-good school volcanic crater i wish this works and it sounds nice but it seems slightly off (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376206) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:06 AM Author: Anal Community Account Locale As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed by D (who was driving with C).
This is it |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:07 AM Author: vivacious up-to-no-good school volcanic crater doesn't it need "D's car" (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376216) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:42 AM Author: Anal Community Account Locale it says he was driving, which means an automobile.
if you think specifying what kind of automobile is a key detail then can add that |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:05 AM Author: violent motley resort faggotry Why do you need B, assuming A was driving. Don't say B was driving. Ever. If he wasnt.
As A was driving, they passed ... |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:06 AM Author: Bisexual indigo legal warrant range you have to make it more exciting. keep the reader interested.
"Where did this take place? In X. And what happened in X? A and B were together in a car. And what did that car do? Why it passed by another car, a car driven by C. And was C alone in that second car? No, no C was not. C was with D. That's right. A and B passed C and D. It's all true." |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:08 AM Author: sapphire library gunner Were A and B both at the wheel? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376217) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:13 AM Author: unholy gay wizard mood turns out it was a tandem bicycle. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376233) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:20 AM Author: autistic light windowlicker becky (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376607) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:18 AM Author: sooty self-centered church building skinny woman As some faggot and his friend were driving in the restricted area, they passed a car driven by a nigger and containing some other faggot as a passenger. Regards, I hope this helps. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376246) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:26 AM Author: green hyperventilating abode The two cars passed in X. In one, A was driving B. In the other, C was driving D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376290) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:29 AM Author: Hilarious New Version star crossed lovers. reads like brokeback mountain (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376306) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:31 AM Author: green hyperventilating abode still the best way to do it. He has more than a handful of items to hit: location, two cars, who was each driver and who was each passenger, that they passed.
This does it and leaves no uncertainty at all |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:34 AM Author: Stirring Jet Sneaky Criminal (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376330) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:35 AM Author: Submissive exhilarant jew trailer park Okay? Wow. Hey. Picture this: Cars A and B. Right? Going through section X. *makes large "X" using forearms* And boom! Right there, they pass car C. *makes "C" using hand* A car which, at the time, was containing D *unzips pants* as a passenger. *pulls cock out of fly* Any questions? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376331) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:40 AM Author: disrespectful underhanded property sweet tailpipe A and B, as was their custom from time to time, were engaged in that most fanciful of modern hobbies, navigation of modern paved roads in a device propelled by an internal combustion engine, whence, they happened to pass by and through the X area. It was delightful that time of year and a welcome respite from their usual tiresome surroundings. And, as fate or chance, or even perhaps the Muses had it, another fellow engaged in the very same hobby happened by. Of course, known to them, and combustion engine navigators the State over, twas C along with D. Both were fair fellows and known to A and B. As custom would insist they happened both to notice and acknowledge each other, hobbyists in the same pursuit as they were. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376358) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:44 AM Author: Maniacal field headpube So, we need to talk about A driving around with B. Here's the thing: they were in X area, and what's problematic is they passed by C—yes, THAT C. C had a passenger at the time, D. Here's why that's not okay. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376389) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:49 AM Author: Bat-shit-crazy associate High | level | legal work (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376422) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:28 AM Author: Electric striped hyena hunting ground (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376672) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:55 AM Author: Angry spot Each of A and B were driving in AREA. They both passed a car driven by C with D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376456) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:05 AM Author: Clear faggot firefighter queen of the night A and B passed a car driven by C, who was transporting D as a passenger, as they drove through the X area. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376505) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:07 AM Author: honey-headed cuckoldry two people, a & b, drove past c driving with d in his car. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376517) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:13 AM Author: rough-skinned aquamarine half-breed C and his passenger D were traveling in X area. A overtook and passed them. B overtook and passed them too. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376555) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:19 AM Author: Frisky Disgusting Corner Friendly Grandma As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C, which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376600) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:24 AM Author: Cheese-eating Galvanic Pisswyrm Area Haven’t read any of the replies, so someone else may have made the same suggestion, but I’d go with:
While driving in the X area, A & B passed a car containing C (driver) and D (passenger). |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:27 AM Author: cordovan erotic plaza cuckold This was basically gromjoh's poast above except his was more concise. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376665) |
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Date: February 22nd, 2022 10:01 AM Author: Bronze costumed church yarmulke (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#44008887) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:33 AM Author: medicated titillating national writing MFE's, any resources on improving clunky writing? I recently jumped from GOV to tech (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376695) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:33 AM Author: Topaz Marvelous Market Did you try the hydro hack? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376699) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:40 AM Author: ultramarine stage What’s that (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376738) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:41 AM Author: Topaz Marvelous Market You should drink more water, you're probably dehydrated. This will, among other things, improve cognitive function and therefore improve your writing. While you're at it also check your posture I bet you're slouching right now. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376746) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:49 AM Author: Dead ticket booth party of the first part (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42376800) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:17 PM Author: histrionic private investor Just write in the active voice with short simple sentences, subject verb object. Not hard (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42377389) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:16 PM Author: histrionic private investor A and B saw C driving in X (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42377381) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:28 PM Author: Frum Mustard International Law Enforcement Agency andy and brad were driving around brooklyn when they passed carl and dave in their car.
this doesn't define who is driving and who is riding though.
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Date: April 30th, 2021 3:39 PM Author: Big Institution Shitty writing is putting too much into one sentence. A and B were driving in the X area. [query: are they both driving separate cars?] C driving D passed them. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 8:29 PM Author: Bisexual indigo legal warrant range A and C, drivers, were in different cars, driving through area X, and with them were B and D, passengers; B was with A while D was with C; A and B passed by C and D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42379691) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2021 12:50 PM Author: Bisexual indigo legal warrant range (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42387061) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2021 12:36 PM Author: Topaz Marvelous Market Where are we on this? Thank (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#42386977) |
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Date: February 22nd, 2022 10:06 AM Author: Lilac hall liquid oxygen As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C in which D was a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#44008916) |
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Date: February 25th, 2022 1:44 PM Author: Drab stead pistol OP, does this help? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#44032743) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 12:23 PM Author: mahogany newt (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#49827186) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 12:42 PM Author: Lilac hall liquid oxygen "and containing D as" -> "in which D was", otherwise fine (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#49827205) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 1:15 PM Author: autistic light windowlicker becky Lots of helpful suggestions in this thread but I’m not sure we’ve got it figured out just yet. Let’s put a pin in it and move on. OP: what’s the next sentence? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#49827228) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 2:57 PM Author: mahogany newt (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2).#49827363) |