let's talk about the intricacies of bbw ranching
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Poast new message in this thread
Date: October 24th, 2013 6:04 PM Author: Cracking bearded library
Could someone discuss how to avoid:
Feed stampedes
Mating contention
Disease transmission amongst bbw herd
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2387577&forum_id=2).#24300078) |
Date: October 25th, 2013 12:58 PM Author: Cracking bearded library
Let's discuss waste management as this is often the bottle-neck of practical bbw herd size.
The bbw staple diet of high-fat, greasy junk food and frequent grazing of such leads to unpredictable excretion. Expect your bbws to have, on average, six oily anal discharges a day in addition to several more urinations. Average time spent during excretion is about seven minutes, but the key is to note that many bbws will take an additional five to ten minutes to clean their filthy coats post-excretion. Most importantly, the nature of bbw diet causes the bbw to have little control over delay of excretion; the majority of bbws typically need to be at the place of excretion within about 60 seconds of the first signs of moving bowels.
Practically speaking, then, the bbw rancher is urged to have no less than (n/3) + 1 excretion devices where n = the number of bbws in the herd. Even so, contention may still arise and excretion accidents should be expected. It's best to have bleach, rags, size 15 sweat pants and matches on hand at all times.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2387577&forum_id=2).#24304133) |
Date: November 5th, 2013 10:33 PM Author: Buck-toothed Galvanic Theater
Let's talk about copulating with members of your herd.
The heftiest heifer might require special equipment to hoist her up into a position where coitus is both safe and logistically feasible. I recommend an industrial strengh lift like a LoadMaster, or for the rancher who is just starting out, the bucket of a Bobcat or an intricate system of levers and pulleys. Some bbws you will just need a hoist to lift her gunt up out of the way to achieve penetration. Others will basically require an inverse weight load distribution to angle them appropriately using the earth's gravity to pull the flab away.
Once you have peeled away the rolls to expose that sweet, engorged honeypot, you may notice that the diameter of the love canal has grown excessively wide and cavernous as your sweet sow herself grew in girth. Next time i'll address some helpful hints to tighten things up and make the experience more optimally pressurized.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2387577&forum_id=2).#24379736) |
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Date: November 5th, 2013 10:57 PM Author: Fluffy windowlicker rigor
It seems apropos here to discuss herd recruitment tactics as most of us can't utilize the Ariel Castro approach which, we can all agree, showed a lack of skill and technique.
I tend to keep my bbws in the "tuesday afternoon at the strip club" range of bbw which is thin, but they have less medical issues which, again, has a positive impact on revenue and profit in the long run.
I would meet her with just a smattering of popcorn crumbs on your lapels. Invite her to a local family chain restaurant in the early evening so to maximize happy hour specials. Order two appetizers and you will be well on the way to securing a new calf for the herd.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2387577&forum_id=2).#24379938) |
Date: November 5th, 2013 11:46 PM Author: exhilarant tank
At some point your BBW herd will experience infighting. Usually this is over food or which BBW is getting the most attention from my stable of BBC studs. Some ranchers take it on themselves to physically discipline their BBW.
But I don't believe in animal cruelty, so I take a more "humane" approach. I've built a number of isolated holding pens where I restrict their food intake. Their diet consists of a small ziplock of frozen pot roast per day. I also refuse them of their normal BBC stud. Instead I opt for a sickly asian man to take those duties over. After years of being reamed by BBC, most BBWs are quick to cooperate again and reenter my herd population.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2387577&forum_id=2).#24380448) |
Date: December 7th, 2013 2:52 AM Author: Buck-toothed Galvanic Theater
Let's talk about a timely and important topic in the life of any Ranchero: picking off vulnerable young heifers who come home for the holidays and go out to the local carb-guzzling feedlot dispensaries with their fellow handsome hereford honeys.
Much like you buckaroos may be familiar with the rodeo concept of "cutting," wherein a skilled horseman rides into the middle of a herd and deftly selects one vulnerable heifer to separate and gradually guide away from the group to be branded and subdued, similar tactics should be employed on your target human cattle. Pick your girlish guernsey based on tell-tale signs: robust, healthy udders, supple and healthy sheen, and a playful swish of her ample, size 22 tail.
Lest any rival ranch-hand attempt to swoop in and rustle away your newly-acquired bovoid belle, I recommend you close the deal by ushering her to the nearest 24-hour greasy spoon where you can ply her with industry-standard prefab carbohydrate feed. This calms and pleases your sassy shorthorn and reacts with the alcohol already sloshing around her four stomachs. It will be much easier to get her back to your corral and she will be calmed down and ready to take the branding iron.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2387577&forum_id=2).#24586349) |
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Date: December 8th, 2013 11:57 PM Author: Fluffy windowlicker rigor
You youngins to the trade should take note to the above. That kind of craft can only come from years of successful 'harpoonings' (as we're apt to call it on the double dagger and harpoon ranch here). Many a heifer waxes wistfully about how the time they came to the herd to enjoy life on the ranch and in the company of the herd.
My strategy is similar to yours. First, I clean to the F-150. Take it to the local car wash and give her all the works. BBWs love a clean truck. The shine of the red paintjob and the clean bed lining shows attention to detail they tend to appreciate. I, of course, have a peacocking outfit that perfect for an expedition. I iron my wranglers, polish my Big Rig belt buckle, get my boots shined up and throw on my trusty Apex Predator Randy Orton t-shirt and off I go. Naturally, I utilize my charm, wit and homemade cologne made of lard and crushed cheetos to lure them to the truck bed and then the rest, as they say, is history.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2387577&forum_id=2).#24599742) |
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Date: March 26th, 2014 12:16 AM Author: Buck-toothed Galvanic Theater
Proper direction of each individual head of cattle in your herd is essential to prevent injury both to your bovine belles and your own precious person. Often times this starts with shrewd manpower management. A good trailboss needs to make sure he has a reliable cadre of young buckaroos that can be depended upon when the herd goes wild, be it during a river-fording stampede or merely at the noise of the next dinner bell from the chuck wagon.
Assemble your team of honchos and arrange them with the greatest care. Ideally you can assign one cowpoke to one--at most, two--bessies when they come charging down the lane to the trough. A skilled cowboy practiced in the art of "cutting" these cows from the herd one by one and leading them off into a quiet, secluded part of the club to be subdued and branded will eventually funnel off enough of the critical mass of the stampede to prevent the loss of life and limb. This also leaves you as the trailboss to direct the remaining heifers and take your pick of the most spirited, and typically the most hefty, of the pack. As these creatures carry ample weight they are often driven by inertia and you will often find yourself with the plumpest pick of the pack that has charged on ahead, unable to stop until she ends up at the end of the gauntlet in your arms, when the dust has settled.
A note of caution: keep an eye on your hired help at all times. No one wants a traitorous trailhand who will "cut" the choicest heifers off from the herd for himself and attempt to dip his dusty trail-wick into the communual trough behind your back, either.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2387577&forum_id=2).#25262417) |
Date: March 26th, 2014 12:07 AM Author: Buck-toothed Galvanic Theater
A fellow ranch hand recently directed my attention to a new source of prospective bessies for your stable. This is the advent of "BBW Nights" at local casual dining feedlot establishments throughout the Middle-West.
Much like the cattle auctions of yore that were the seminal event in the best western ranching towns, these sumptuous displays of ample flesh are often the premier social event in whatever town they are held on that particular evening. Not only are they an excellent way simply to take the pulse of the local cattle market, but they can also provide the opportunity for an enterprising young buckaroo to try his halter on a feisty young Holstein maiden.
In a nod to the noble heritage of the cattle trade, the former cow towns of centuries past are still best places to see what these modern day meat markets have to offer. Kansas City or Abilene offer ample venues from Golden Corral, Applebee's, TGI Friday's, and a host of other local establishments, where the young vaquero can ply his trade, wet his whistle, and, perhaps, dig his spurs into a spry, sassy Shorthorn.
Local feedlot establishments will often advertise these events in the daily broadsheet. Occasionally a minimum gross adipose weight of the participants is suggested to wean out the yearlings or other specimens still on the upswing. These events are not for greenhorns, but only the most impressive specimens turn out for these events. Sometimes these events are trumpeted publicly, in other instances the assembly is more surreptitious and a trailboss must ask those "in the know" where the best stockyard speculating may be had.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2387577&forum_id=2).#25262374) |
Date: May 13th, 2014 1:38 PM Author: geriatric mischievous principal's office french chef
Drying Off the BBW
The dry period is the most important phase of a BBW’s reproductive cycle. During this phase, as the BBW's tract prepares for the next insemination, approximately 70% of all BBW's experience increased appetite and lethargy that can lead the BBW to wallow in squalor. Any abnormalities in cleanliness during the dry period will have a negative effect on the BBW's health and reproductive possibilities, resulting in pelvic inflammatory diseases and thrush.
Therefore, to prevent new infections from occurring BBWs should be dried off methodically and carefully after both feeding and defecation.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2387577&forum_id=2).#25553516) |
Date: November 22nd, 2014 7:03 PM Author: Buck-toothed Galvanic Theater
Here's an important natural phenomenon I have observed during my time working the dusty trails. It is also a bit of good old fashioned trailhand reverse psychology you can apply to your herd and use it to pull some of the heftiest bessies on the market.
Often times when you are out on the town whetting your whistle after a hard day's ride your eyes will naturally survey the crowd at the watering hole and see if there are any prime cattle who have wandered in that you can make a move on and rustle up to make part of your herd. Often times these bountiful belles will be in the company of one or more slender friends. Sometimes this rail-thin cowgirl will even be "hot" by convential social standards. However, if she were weighed and judged by a blue ribbon committee of the Kansas City Royal Stockyard show, she would be found wanting and determined to only be good for rendering into industrial bi-products. You, wise trailboss, know that the real PAY DIRT lies in the enormous sagging folds of her 350 pound BBW friend.
If you concentrate your herding efforts on the slender young hottie, the principle of reverse psychology will begin to take effect. If you can win the slender lass and get her to follow you back to your corral, your true intended target will naturally follow. This is as natural as when young calves follow their ma bessie around yearning and puckering for the nourishing milk of her overstuffed udders. Never forget that as a rancher you are dealing with herd animals and the herd mentality, and you only desire the plumpest, juiciest, and most ROBUST animal in the entire herd.
When you have lured the pair back to your lair, the slender maiden is SHOCKED to find that you have disregarded her and left her in the hallway while you go to town, heating your branding iron in the fires of desire to PLUNGE into that round, jiggling, USDA certified prime beef that followed her there.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2387577&forum_id=2).#26774057) |
Date: August 20th, 2015 10:48 PM Author: Buck-toothed Galvanic Theater
Hey there, ranch hands. Long time no speak. Things have been busy here in farm country, but if you've been following my advice you hopefully will have had your hands full as well.
I wanted to share a useful trick that can help any young greenhorn out there. I call it the Cow-Calf Imprint Method. I learned this from watching magnificent BBW beasts in the wild. Often times in a herd of BBWs there will be a dominant mother type figure. Inevitably, she is the fattest and most succulent sow of the lot. These overripe maidens tend to attract other fatties and budding BBWs into their orbit due to shared interests (gorging, shopping in the elastic waistband section at WalMart, etc.) or just plain old gravitational pull. Concentrate your efforts on this heftiest of the heifers and you'll be amazed at the rich dividends it can pay off.
Often times the BBW will emit a pungent pheromonic odor during coitus that clings to their grease-clogged pores for days. Don't ask me how, but many. BBW-in-waiting can pick up on this and will start coming by your ranch uninvited with an eye towards getting hogtied and taking the branding iron.
I've found there is even a sort of mathematical certainty to how many devotees a true sweetheart of the rodeo, a real queen beeBw, will attract. Starting out with an entry-level 400 pounder can easily net you two young followers each weighing in at 200 lbs. If you manage to bag a 600 pounder, you can be sure three 200#s will be quite literally banging down your door for a chance to break your bedframe. This can be redistributed as such...600/2, 3, on down the line. At some point you will face diminishing returns as the work required to fuck a 700# and up SSBBW is often more than what you would gain by pursuing a couple of bessies in the 350-400 pound range. But don't let me discourage you as you're out there on the dusty trail. Hell, one of my ranch hands just netted a 785 pound BBW that was awarded a blue ribbon at the Iowa State Fair and he is already out of room to store more contacts in his phone. Even asked for a raise so he could install industrial strength iron ore mining industry shocks in his pickup truck for future dinner dates. The point is, never stop dreaming, and never let a door frame or a surly manager at Golden Corral be your reason for having one less head of cattle in your herd.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2387577&forum_id=2).#28594053) |
Date: August 9th, 2017 10:05 PM Author: Buck-toothed Galvanic Theater
Well, cowpokes, to be honest it has been a rough couple of years out here on the lonesome trail chasing that heavy bbw tail. The shale oil boom ended and caused mass unemployment in the midwest. Legions of hefty gals who had followed the oilmen west to ply their trade, find a man, or even find a few free meals at Old Country Buffet, well, they all pretty much packed it up and went home. The easy low hanging fruit, lower hanging than a pair of 54GGG udders on a Bozeman bessie, all pretty much stampeded off en masse. Greyhounds or for those who could afford it, airplanes, had two side-by-side seats booked to the same single ticket blocked off for months. I think one guy in Bismarck made a small fortune selling seatbelt extenders for a while but even he had to fold. Times are dark up here like the deep dark double-belly folds of a 400-pound woman, but there is a silver lining that this old ranch hand is willing to play.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2387577&forum_id=2).#33953577) |
Date: October 16th, 2017 11:51 AM Author: Passionate hot step-uncle's house
A power of good work in this thread, buckaroos. But no post on BBW ranchin' is complete without talkin' about gomer bulls.
Of course, I know y'all are veterans at the selective use of bulls. At this point, bulls are so commonly used in breedin' that ranchers without one are considered just plain primitive. Your bossies and betsies will desert you left and right if'n you can't keep 'em in line with a bull or three.
Unauthorized breedin' has, until recently, been a cost of doin' business. Birds gotta swim, fish gotta fly -- and bulls, well, they can't be bulls without breedin'. Or such was the gen'ral consensus. Nowadays, though, crossover between BBW experts and BDSM experts has led to the development of the PENECTOMIZED GOMER BULL. This bull is a bull where it counts, identifyin' and primin' cows in heat -- but a nullo down south, where he'd prefer it the other way.
With a few gomer bulls in your stable, your BBWs in heat will be mooin' hard with frustration. Keepin' them off you long enough to fit 'em with the breedin' harness is goin' to be your only consarn. And that's a fact.
http://www.producer.com/2001/11/different-ways-to-make-a-gomer-bull-animal-health/
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2387577&forum_id=2).#34454641) |
Date: September 20th, 2024 10:05 PM Author: Mainlining the $ecret truth of the univer$e (My "Mahchine" Is 47 Percent "There" in less than 2 weeks)
The AutoAdmit thread “let’s talk about the intricacies of bbw ranching” stands out as an exaggerated, offensive, yet highly layered example of dark humor. This thread navigates a delicate and often uncomfortable balance between satire, social commentary, and community dynamics within the AutoAdmit ecosystem. Below is a deeper and more comprehensive analysis that incorporates key themes, nuanced takeaways.
1. Satirical Dehumanization and Objectification:
The metaphor of "BBW ranching" involves comparing BBWs (Big Beautiful Women) to livestock, which is overtly dehumanizing. However, this objectification is itself satirized. The idea of “branding” or “managing a herd” is intentionally hyperbolic, pushing the concept of treating women like commodities to a comically absurd extreme. The humor stems from this deliberate exaggeration, critiquing how society objectifies women—especially those who fall outside mainstream beauty standards. By making this objectification so outlandish, the thread mirrors a critique of how bodies, particularly female bodies, are commodified in both dating and societal norms.
2. Dark Humor as a Tool of Social Commentary:
Dark humor is the primary vehicle for engaging with topics like body image, beauty standards, and sexual exploitation. Through absurd analogies (e.g., "feedlot restaurants" or "industrial-strength hoists for coitus"), the thread implicitly comments on the ridiculousness of how certain groups are treated and viewed. What makes the humor "dark" is its direct engagement with taboos—while the language is offensive, it serves to force readers to confront the real-world implications of such attitudes, albeit in a grotesque and exaggerated form.
3. Critique of Societal Norms:
By framing this satirical thread around something as extreme as "BBW ranching," the poasters are critiquing beauty standards and societal expectations of women. The exaggerated focus on BBWs (and the care and maintenance of a ‘herd’) satirizes the double standards women face—especially around body size, desirability, and how society often views women through a superficial, dehumanizing lens. This skewering of societal norms through the use of ranching metaphors underscores how absurd these objectifying attitudes are when magnified.
For example, the frequent references to specific types of restaurants (e.g., Golden Corral or Cheesecake Factory) satirically highlight how BBWs are pigeonholed into certain stereotypes—suggesting that society sees them as deserving of less respect or reduced to their eating habits. Through these extreme representations, the thread critiques how beauty and body size often become the defining characteristics in how people are treated or valued.
4. Meta-Humor and Self-Awareness:
One of the more fascinating layers of this thread is its self-awareness and meta-humor. Posters know that the comparisons being made are not only absurd but offensive. Yet, there is an intentionality behind this grotesque framing. Poasters often make comments like “just professionals discussing their craft” (11/5/13) or “nothing as amazing as sitting under the learning tree as experts discuss their trade,” which mock the overly serious tone found in other online communities, thus turning the satire inward on the nature of internet expertise itself.
The exaggerated scenarios, such as needing special equipment to engage in coitus with a BBW, show the posters pushing boundaries not only of taste but also of satire. This intentional exaggeration allows for a layered joke where the humor comes from pushing the metaphor to its breaking point while simultaneously acknowledging how offensive it is. The irony is part of the fun, and the thread pokes fun at itself as much as the subject it discusses.
5. Escalation and Collaborative Humor:
Another hallmark of this thread is how it evolves through community participation. Each post attempts to heighten the absurdity by introducing new elements—like breeding practices, feed management, and waste disposal—thereby deepening the satire and keeping the thread alive. This escalation creates a form of collaborative humor where each poaster tries to outdo the previous one, pushing the joke further into the realms of absurdity. This behavior is characteristic of AutoAdmit's culture, where wit, shock value, and community building through inside jokes are often the driving forces behind engagement.
6. The Power of Shock Value:
The thread uses shock value as both a tool for humor and a means of generating participation. By being intentionally offensive, the thread provokes responses from participants who either engage in the joke or are drawn into the conversation out of morbid curiosity. However, there’s more than simple shock value at play. The thread’s exaggerated offensiveness works as a satirical reflection on real-world dehumanization. This use of shock value calls attention to the problematic way women, particularly those outside traditional beauty standards, are often treated.
7. Inside Jokes and Cultural Vernacular:
The language and AutoAdmit-specific terminology, such as “180” (high praise) or “scholarship” (indicating a particularly insightful post), create a sense of in-group understanding. These references not only serve as a form of meta-humor but also signal an underlying community bond among poasters. It creates an exclusive dynamic, where understanding the thread’s deeper meaning or humor depends on one’s familiarity with AutoAdmit culture. This reinforces the idea that the thread isn’t just about BBWs or ranching but about playing with the boundaries of what is considered acceptable humor within a given subculture.
8. Community Dynamics and Satire of Expertise:
The posts mirror the tone of specialized online communities, parodying how serious forums for niche hobbies or expertise are often structured. The more detailed the posts become, the more ridiculous the content appears, creating a parody of this expert community dynamic. Statements like "six oily anal discharges a day" or the need for a certain number of "excretion devices" mimic the pseudo-professionalism found in some technical forums, further layering the joke. This critique of online communities that take themselves too seriously adds another dimension to the thread’s satirical bite.
9. Risks and Limits of Offensive Humor:
While the satire is evident, this thread also exemplifies the potential dangers of offensive humor. For those not familiar with AutoAdmit’s culture, or satire as a genre, the content could easily be misunderstood or seen as reinforcing harmful stereotypes. Though the intent is satire, the use of racial and body-shaming tropes—particularly references to BBWs and racial stereotypes (e.g., the role of athletic black men in breeding)—flirts with perpetuating those very stereotypes. This is where the thread walks a fine line; satire often relies on the audience’s understanding of context, and not all readers will interpret the thread as an exaggerated commentary on societal issues.
Conclusion:
The AutoAdmit thread “let’s talk about the intricacies of bbw ranching” exemplifies the board's tendency to blend shock value with dark, satirical humor. By using absurdity, objectification, and exaggerated metaphors, the poasters engage in a critique of societal norms around body image and relationships, challenging mainstream ideas about beauty and desirability. However, the offensive nature of the humor—relying on shock, body-shaming, and racial stereotypes—also reveals the risks involved in using satire to engage with sensitive topics. The thread succeeds in building a sense of community among participants while critiquing both the objectification of women and the self-serious nature of internet forums, but it also pushes the boundaries of what is considered acceptable, highlighting the tension between satire and offense.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2387577&forum_id=2).#48115357) |
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