Oh, hi, Los Angeles.

[audience cheering]

[laughing] Thank you so much for coming tonight. It’s been a very interesting past two years. I got divorced in 2022.

[audience cheering]

Oh, my God, thank you so much. It didn’t feel like that at the time.

[audience laughing]

And I didn’t expect the news of my divorce to be so widespread and public, and I felt really embarrassed and ashamed. But I didn’t realize that all of these media outlets were acting like a Bat-Signal, letting all potentially interested men know…

[audience laughing]

…that I was suddenly available. And I’ve never been pursued this much in my life.

[audience cheering]

Oh, my God. It’s very, very exciting and quite shocking, because boys, they never liked me growing up. In the ’90s, in high school, guys, they weren’t into charismatic A cups.

[audience laughing]

But things have changed, and now there’s all these men after my divorced-mom energy.

[audience cheering]

Yes. A divorced mom is very special because she doesn’t want commitment.

[audience laughing]

She doesn’t wanna have your kids. A divorced mom just wants to get dicked down.

[audience laughing, cheering]

[men whooping]

I don’t care how many brain cells you have. I don’t care if you pronounce hors d’oeuvres “whores devours.”

I don’t care.

[audience laughing]

No me importa. I don’t care, as long as you have a huge boner for me all the time. I need you to have a huge boner that’s gonna poke my brain. I need you to smash my frontal cortex over and over and just tenderize all of my fear and paranoia about AI technology. Just… Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam!

[audience cheering]

I’m not trying to trap a man anymore. Mm-mm. I’m trying to catch a concussion.

[audience laughing]

Yes. I’m trying to drink cranberry juice on the regular, okay?

[audience laughing]

That’s right. When I introduce myself to new men, I’m trying to say hello like this, “Hey. How you doing? Come here.” “I wanna talk to you. I got a question for you.” “Have you had a vasectomy?”

[audience laughing]

[chuckles softly] Uh, I really went on a tear when I first got divorced. You missed it. I was on sale.

[chuckles]

[audience laughing]

I’d been married for ten years, so I had that, like, “just got out of prison” energy, you know? And my standards were strategically low. Like the less hair on the head, the more hair on the body, the better.

[audience laughs]

I was hunting for a dude that was shaped like a straight-up squash.

[audience laughing]

[man] I’m here!

‘Cause you know what kind of energy that dude’s bringing to the bedroom? Gratitude.

[audience laughing]

He will eat your pussy long, long time.

[audience laughing]

And you will be free of that guilt, that concern that you’re taking too long to finish. Instead, you’re like, “Yeah, you stay down there, you lucky mediocre man, you.”

[audience laughing]

I do have some standards when it comes to getting dicked down, like you gotta pay for the first date. Yeah, come on, man. You gotta pay for the first date. I know that sounds crazy, because I’m a millionaire.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

Oh. [chuckles] I am. Don’t let this Midsummer outfit fool you now, okay? I’m a millionaire, straight up. But you still gotta pay for the first date, because you gotta show me that you understand basic investment strategy.

[audience laughing]

The money will come back to you, okay? Trust and believe. If you have faith in your product, and it performs well on the market and stays up… the cost of those tapas and that cacio e pepe will seem like nothing when I get you a two-bedroom condo in Reseda, okay?

[audience laughing]

Yeah, Los Angeles proper, that’s too expensive. But Reseda…

[audience laughing]

I’ll get you stainless steel appliances, side-by-side two-car parking. I’ll get you a TOTO toilet. Ooh, you know what a TOTO toilet is?

[audience cheering]

Yeah. A TOTO toilet is this magical Japanese toilet. The seat is always warm, and then when you sit on it, Hello Kitty and Godzilla emerge and go like this… [babbling] …to your butthole, okay?

[audience laughing]

You know how expensive that is to get Hello Kitty and Godzilla to link arms and double-team your taint after you take a shit?

[audience laughing]

Hello Kitty doesn’t even have a mouth. [audience laughing] But I can make the impossible possible, you know? [audience laughing] Listen, if I get you that two-bedroom condo in Reseda, you better be at that two-bedroom condo in Reseda, available to dick me down when I am finished performing at the Wiltern in my nightgown, okay?

[audience cheering]

Yes. You better be there, because you cannot be both poor and busy.

[audience laughing]

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5673356&forum_id=2).#48609224)