I was found disabled at age 19 and approved for SSI. I have now been on it, as well as DAC, for 14 years. I have a diagnosis of autism and major depressive disorder. At the time, it didn’t really occur to me that people would be nasty towards me for being on disability. I figured that since I was found disabled legally, I went through the proper process and my doctors agreed (they are the ones who said I needed it in the first place), I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was surprised when there was so much backlash from my family and others. I think it had a lot to do with me being young and the disability being invisible.

I eventually started to feel guilty about taking from people like they said, so I tried to work. At least 10 times. Every time, I would be unable to keep up with the demands of customers and managers. One of the reasons I was approved was due to my severe struggles with time limits. This was documented in IEPs since elementary school- I wasn’t able to complete time limited tests without shutting down completely. People kept saying I needed to “learn to deal with it”. I ended up feeling more guilty when I was working because I was a liability to the companies and I made customers lives harder. The longest I stayed employed was for 6 months. It was a hospital food service snd were so patient and understanding, but evenj in that time frame, I couldn’t improve my speed and accuracy to a point where I was actually benefiting the patients.

Other jobs I wasn’t able to keep long because I would shut down physically. I had a manger that got really stressed out and annoyed because I wasn’t moving fast enough or putting things in the right places. So I would try even harder to do it the correct way, push myself as hard as I could. Which led to a lot of shame and borderline self hatred when I couldn’t be a good employee like I wanted to, and knew that I was only causing more stress for my boss in an already stressful environment. I ended up hospitalized , and my doctor actually told me that it would be irresponsible for him to continue endorsing employment for me,

because it was putting me in a state where I could not function.

Any sort of slower paced job, I didn’t get past the interview stage or even get chosen for an interview in most cases. I tried to go to school and got put on academic suspension when I didn’t keep the required schedule because I couldn’t remember when I had class. I lived in group homes for years, but finally was able to move into an elderly and disabled apartment. People see that I am able to live independently and assume that means I can work but they don’t realize that I have to adapt my daily life to myself. Because it takes me so long to properly complete tasks, I will do one thing a day, ie. an entire day to clean my studio apartment, the next day is grocery day. Appointments are set for midday so I have enough time to get ready . I plan public transport trips meticulously. If I do something like lunch with friends or visiting a museum, I have to plan it for a day when I don’t have any obligations.

So I often feel torn. If I stay on my benefits, I’m taking from tax payers, and making a lot of people who don’t understand, angry. I have to come up with something when I’m asked casually (it happens a lot with uber drivers) what I do for work to avoid criticism. If I work, I cause problems for companies and for the people who use them. I still make people angry, just for a different reason. And make their lives harder. I’ve had two CDRs in 14 years and every time I stress myself out so much, because I truly don’t know what I would do if I lost my benefits… I would end up on the street and then people would also be complaining about that.

Sorry for the rant or if this sounds whiny. Just wondering if anyone can relate.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5871326&forum_id=2,#49916773)