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Good writers: Fix this clunky sentence I can't seem to fix
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Poast new message in this thread
Date: April 30th, 2021 9:48 AM Author: supple puce puppy As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C and containing D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376133) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:57 AM Author: rebellious obsidian international law enforcement agency "C was seen driving in the X area, with D as a passenger, by both A and B."
(no one gives a fuck whether A and B were driving or doing a standing 69 at the time they saw these faggots) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 12:01 PM Author: Violet Comical Shrine they do if its an auto case. Contrib or comparative play a role potentially. Better to keep it clean.
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Date: April 30th, 2021 2:10 PM Author: Spectacular degenerate abode Your sentence doesn't even say that A and B saw C and D, just that they passed them. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42377665) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2021 12:40 PM Author: Glassy sinister kitty As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42386999) |
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Date: February 25th, 2022 1:42 PM Author: deranged piazza Subject: Quick fixxx As A and B were driving in X, they passed a car driven by C containing D as a passenger.
EDIT: LMAO at the date |
Date: April 30th, 2021 9:52 AM Author: judgmental persian half-breed “As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C. D was a passenger in C’s car at the time.”
Would break up the sentences. Your original sentence isn’t terrible though. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:53 AM Author: Black magical jap cruise ship (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376148) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: supple puce puppy i thought about breaking it up -- it worse because it puts emphasis on "D was a passenger in C’s car at this time" -- which is a minor detail.
it doesn't really matter whether C or D is the driver. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:56 AM Author: judgmental persian half-breed Ah m, okay. For some reason I assumed that D was the main person. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376166) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:03 AM Author: supple puce puppy C and D are both involved. I continue to use the term "C's car" for clarity (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376201) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:51 AM Author: rebellious obsidian international law enforcement agency "at this time"
ROFL |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:54 AM Author: Violet Comical Shrine Need to clarify at some point whether A or B were actually driving. Or were they in two separate cars, both of which passed C. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376155) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: judgmental persian half-breed Yeah I just worked with the isolated sentence in question b/c I didn’t know what the surrounding sentences are like. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376160) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:04 AM Author: Violet Comical Shrine You can do it in another sentence, but it's going to be important to be clear who was driving in the passing car. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376205) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: Umber Dingle Berry State While driving in the X area, A & B passed a car that C was driving with a passenger, D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376157) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:57 AM Author: diverse hot native (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376168) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:58 AM Author: Plum motley jewess dog poop As A and B were driving separately in the X area, they passed a car driven by C which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376174) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: transparent mental disorder forum This suggestion isn't meant to be used word for word, just generally to give you the right idea on how to handle this sort of thing, please develop as part of an exercise in your own development as a lawyer. Really need to break this into clauses that explain everything.
As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C and containing D as a passenger.
WHEREAS A, B, C, and D are human persons domiciled in Jurisdiction Y
WHEREAS X is a certain area in Jurisdiction Y
WHEREAS A, B, and C are legally authorized to operate motor vehicles ("cars" and each individual such vehicle a "car")
WHEREAS on that certain date, A, B, and C were operating cars.
WHEREAS on that certain date, D was a passenger in the car operated by C.
Now, therefore be it resolved, on that certain date, the aforementioned cars traversed on intersecting paths in Area X.
[I assume by "passed" you mean "passed" as in "they passed by each other while headed in different directions," revise if you mean they were going the same way and A/B's cars passed/overtook C's car.]
Please handle and recirculate, thanks. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:03 AM Author: supple puce puppy (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376203) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:45 AM Author: soul-stirring home (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376392) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:08 AM Author: translucent rambunctious chapel (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376526) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:25 AM Author: hateful lettuce organic girlfriend (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376657) |
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Date: May 4th, 2022 12:40 PM Author: fear-inspiring out-of-control box office friendly grandma Very clear, no ambiguity, reads like 1st order logic, I like it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#44453959) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: azure police squad As A and B entered the X area, they looked at each other, and although none of them said a word, they understood each other perfectly. It was X area after all. Are there any Xs around, they wondered? They passed a beaten-up vehicle with ridiculous oversized chromed wheels with C as a driver and D as a passenger. X's! - thought A and B. C and D did not think anything. They were high. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376178) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:36 AM Author: Heady dun immigrant (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376332) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: Sadistic flirting private investor generalized bond (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376340) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: Red Beady-eyed Step-uncle's House FRIENDLESS FAGGOT BIRDSHIT A was driving some FAGgOt BIRdshit car alone(some other NIFmGGA was drivomg alone in another car) they passed ALPHA TURD C , who has MANY DRINKING BUDDIES, SO NATURALLY HAD A PASSENGER (most likely an AZNgirl getting wet for MAMMOTH TURDCOCK) (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376183) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: Titillating wagecucks (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376187) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: transparent mental disorder forum (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376195) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:18 AM Author: maroon overrated multi-billionaire (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376249) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:47 AM Author: Mahogany Contagious School (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376406) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:36 AM Author: concupiscible church depressive (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376713) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:37 AM Author: soul-stirring home (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376724) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 12:32 PM Author: Vigorous rough-skinned brunch (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42377057) |
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Date: May 1st, 2021 12:19 AM Author: Titillating wagecucks (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42380818) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: Titillating wagecucks As A and B were sucking each other’s cocks in the XXX area, C drove by with D cumming in his ass. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376184) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: Black magical jap cruise ship i think you nailed it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376191) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 3:36 PM Author: geriatric frozen range (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42378174) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: Black magical jap cruise ship i hope everyone appreciates the mental illness being performed right now. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376189) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:28 AM Author: erotic institution (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376669) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: mustard stirring ticket booth keepsake machete A and B passed D and C, who was driving. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376194) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: metal patrolman hall (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376341) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:52 AM Author: rebellious obsidian international law enforcement agency sounds like a riddle (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376816) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: Spruce double fault marketing idea i hate this crap
As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed by D driving with C. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:05 AM Author: supple puce puppy i wish this works and it sounds nice but it seems slightly off (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376206) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:06 AM Author: Spruce double fault marketing idea As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed by D (who was driving with C).
This is it |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:07 AM Author: supple puce puppy doesn't it need "D's car" (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376216) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:42 AM Author: Spruce double fault marketing idea it says he was driving, which means an automobile.
if you think specifying what kind of automobile is a key detail then can add that |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:05 AM Author: Violet Comical Shrine Why do you need B, assuming A was driving. Don't say B was driving. Ever. If he wasnt.
As A was driving, they passed ... |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:06 AM Author: Dark Principal's Office Sneaky Criminal you have to make it more exciting. keep the reader interested.
"Where did this take place? In X. And what happened in X? A and B were together in a car. And what did that car do? Why it passed by another car, a car driven by C. And was C alone in that second car? No, no C was not. C was with D. That's right. A and B passed C and D. It's all true." |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:08 AM Author: peach property Were A and B both at the wheel? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376217) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:13 AM Author: Black magical jap cruise ship turns out it was a tandem bicycle. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376233) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:20 AM Author: metal patrolman hall (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376607) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:18 AM Author: maroon overrated multi-billionaire As some faggot and his friend were driving in the restricted area, they passed a car driven by a nigger and containing some other faggot as a passenger. Regards, I hope this helps. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376246) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:26 AM Author: curious national The two cars passed in X. In one, A was driving B. In the other, C was driving D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376290) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:29 AM Author: mustard stirring ticket booth keepsake machete star crossed lovers. reads like brokeback mountain (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376306) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:31 AM Author: curious national still the best way to do it. He has more than a handful of items to hit: location, two cars, who was each driver and who was each passenger, that they passed.
This does it and leaves no uncertainty at all |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:34 AM Author: judgmental persian half-breed (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376330) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:35 AM Author: Sadistic flirting private investor generalized bond Okay? Wow. Hey. Picture this: Cars A and B. Right? Going through section X. *makes large "X" using forearms* And boom! Right there, they pass car C. *makes "C" using hand* A car which, at the time, was containing D *unzips pants* as a passenger. *pulls cock out of fly* Any questions? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376331) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: Heady dun immigrant (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376336) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:44 AM Author: Thriller casino yarmulke So, we need to talk about A driving around with B. Here's the thing: they were in X area, and what's problematic is they passed by C—yes, THAT C. C had a passenger at the time, D. Here's why that's not okay. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376389) |
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Date: February 22nd, 2022 10:00 AM Author: cracking jew (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#44008882) |
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Date: February 25th, 2022 1:39 PM Author: cracking jew (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#44032706) |
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Date: May 4th, 2022 12:31 PM Author: bespoke factory reset button temple (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#44453902) |
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Date: June 22nd, 2022 9:31 AM Author: henna cocky juggernaut university wow (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#44722507) |
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Date: June 22nd, 2022 9:34 AM Author: greedy zippy black woman (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#44722517) |
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Date: June 22nd, 2022 9:44 AM Author: Submissive Main People (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#44722548) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:49 AM Author: Ruby Laughsome Digit Ratio High | level | legal work (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376422) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:28 AM Author: erotic institution (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376672) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:55 AM Author: Internet-worthy love of her life trust fund Each of A and B were driving in AREA. They both passed a car driven by C with D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376456) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:05 AM Author: saffron antidepressant drug lodge A and B passed a car driven by C, who was transporting D as a passenger, as they drove through the X area. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376505) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:07 AM Author: Orange gas station two people, a & b, drove past c driving with d in his car. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376517) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:13 AM Author: frum rigor resort C and his passenger D were traveling in X area. A overtook and passed them. B overtook and passed them too. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376555) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:19 AM Author: Aqua floppy sex offender kitty cat As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C, which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376600) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:24 AM Author: Hairless splenetic toilet seat Haven’t read any of the replies, so someone else may have made the same suggestion, but I’d go with:
While driving in the X area, A & B passed a car containing C (driver) and D (passenger). |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:27 AM Author: geriatric frozen range This was basically gromjoh's poast above except his was more concise. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376665) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:34 AM Author: cracking jew (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376704) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:40 AM Author: transparent mental disorder forum (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376736) |
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Date: February 22nd, 2022 10:01 AM Author: cracking jew (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#44008887) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:33 AM Author: self-absorbed pontificating gaming laptop corn cake writing MFE's, any resources on improving clunky writing? I recently jumped from GOV to tech (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376695) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:33 AM Author: transparent mental disorder forum Did you try the hydro hack? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376699) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:40 AM Author: Bearded effete potus queen of the night What’s that (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376738) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:41 AM Author: transparent mental disorder forum You should drink more water, you're probably dehydrated. This will, among other things, improve cognitive function and therefore improve your writing. While you're at it also check your posture I bet you're slouching right now. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376746) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:49 AM Author: soul-stirring home (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42376800) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:17 PM Author: Bull Headed Fortuitous Meteor Just write in the active voice with short simple sentences, subject verb object. Not hard (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42377389) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:16 PM Author: Bull Headed Fortuitous Meteor A and B saw C driving in X (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42377381) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:28 PM Author: outnumbered passionate menage hissy fit andy and brad were driving around brooklyn when they passed carl and dave in their car.
this doesn't define who is driving and who is riding though.
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:38 PM Author: alcoholic new version I am gay (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42377484) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 3:36 PM Author: geriatric frozen range great thread (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42378176) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 3:39 PM Author: Gay Mind-boggling Stock Car Shitty writing is putting too much into one sentence. A and B were driving in the X area. [query: are they both driving separate cars?] C driving D passed them. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 8:29 PM Author: Dark Principal's Office Sneaky Criminal A and C, drivers, were in different cars, driving through area X, and with them were B and D, passengers; B was with A while D was with C; A and B passed by C and D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42379691) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2021 12:50 PM Author: Dark Principal's Office Sneaky Criminal (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42387061) |
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Date: May 23rd, 2021 3:44 PM Author: Dark Principal's Office Sneaky Criminal (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42509184) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2021 12:36 PM Author: transparent mental disorder forum Where are we on this? Thank (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#42386977) |
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Date: February 22nd, 2022 10:06 AM Author: orchid parlor electric furnace As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C in which D was a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#44008916) |
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Date: February 25th, 2022 1:44 PM Author: rebellious obsidian international law enforcement agency OP, does this help? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#44032743) |
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Date: June 22nd, 2022 9:32 AM Author: Arousing Deer Antler i don't think anyone reads shitlaw shitpaper so it doesn't matter. aren't state court judges borderline retarded? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#44722512) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 12:23 PM Author: Pet Relief Area (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#49827186) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 12:42 PM Author: UN peacekeeper "and containing D as" -> "in which D was", otherwise fine (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#49827205) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 1:15 PM Author: hmmm i think weather is fraudlies Lots of helpful suggestions in this thread but I’m not sure we’ve got it figured out just yet. Let’s put a pin in it and move on. OP: what’s the next sentence? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#49827228) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 2:57 PM Author: Pet Relief Area (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2],#49827363) |