by Jessica Rosenbaum, New York Times Sunday Magazine

Of all the promises made by the 45th president on the campaign trail, none was as optimistic - and ambitious - as his pledge to repair a homosexual chatroom user's badly damaged anus. One month after Trump took office, however, he appears to have backtracked on the pledge, dashing the hopes of Autoadmit poaster Benzo and with them the hopes of a nation.

Widely favored across the political spectrum, the pledge was considered Trump's "moon shot" - an appeal to American exceptionalism in an otherwise mean-spirited campaign. "I don't much care for the sodomites," said one Trump voter, "but if he can fix that thing, he can fix anything."

The initiative was initially a source of controversy in progressive circles. While proponents envisioned the pledge as a stepping stone to coverage of anal rejuvenation and anoplasty under the Affordable Care Act, several vocal critics denounced the initiative as heteronormative and unnecessary. One prominent critic was quoted online as nonchalantly dismissive, saying simply "He likes to fuck. Hehe."

To quell the controversy, Trump took the unusual step of inviting critics to inspect the broken fuckhole in person. Attendees included Jason Robespierre, notoriously excommunicated from the IFNB for admitting he experienced sexual gratification as Mr. Perrod's training twink, and Daniel Dooberstein, profiled by the Times in April as the "comfort boy of the Teamsters."

Dooberstein and Robespierre were cavalier before the summit. Robespierre said "I've seen it all in the changing room at Pounder's Place. How bad can it be?" Mr. Dooberstein arrived naked on a leash held by a tall, muscular, bearded man in a wheelchair. The mood was very different after the summit, however. Mr. Robespierre, an avowed athiest, made the sign of the cross as he told the times, "It's like a fireworks accident back there." Mr. Dooberstein emerged from the meeting in chinos and a button-up shirt. Visibly shaken and pale, he said nothing. A month later, he was engaged to be married. His chaperone is said to have entered a twelve-step program immediately after the visit.

Despite the newfound consensus that Benzo's infrastructure was in dire need of repair, scientists expressed skepticism that the poaster's fuckhole could be fixed. One of the world's foremost fuckhole surgeons, Dr. Paulette has repaired fuckholes believed to have been fucked beyond redemption. "It's beyond repair," Dr. Paulette told the Times in December. "Frankly, and medically speaking, it's worse than the holocaust. The holocaust was an atrocity committed by men, but that fuckhole...that fuckhole is the work of the devil."

Nonetheless, Trump reprised his promise following his narrow electoral college win. At a rally in Columbus, Ohio, shortly before taking office, Trump told the crowd "Folks, you've seen the pictures. We've never seen anything like it. It's a disaster. But you know what? We're gonna fix it, folks. We're gonna make that fuckhole great again!"

Benzo's anus was a top priority of the Trump administration during his first weeks in office. On his fifth day in office, Trump's administration prepared an Executive Order for the "Repair, Transplant, or Prosthetic Rejuvenation of Benzo's Anus and Rectum." The Order earmarked $30 million in funds for research, reconstructive and plastic surgery, grafting, and physical therapy.

However, before the president could sign the Order, it was leaked anonymously. The leak was apparently motivated by disillusionment within the administration. One of Trump's close advisors told the Times off the record that the $30 million earmark was "an embarrassment," and "nowhere near enough" to repair the damaged boistinker.

Senator Bernie Sanders, an outspoken critic of the president, found a degree of irony in the situation. Following the public release of the draft order, Sanders tweeted: "Trump cant fix leaky shitter bc of shitty, leaky administration. SAD!"

The irony was compounded a week later, when a renowned Syrian fuckhole surgeon was denied entry at LAX. Dr. Assambo, who specialized in procedures on Afghan "dancing boys" - a celebrated cultural touchstone, rite of passage, and means of procreation in the gay Islamic community - was to attend a conference at Stanford on the topic of Benzo's backside. After learning that his visa had been revoked, Dr. Assambo indicated he would no longer be willing to assist in the project. "Death to Benzo," said the doctor, "and death to America."

The setbacks appear to have dampened the president's enthusiasm for the project. In the weeks following the release of the order and Dr. Assambo's ouster, Trump refused to address questions on the topic. At Thursday's press conference, however, Trump addressed the fuckhole with uncharacteristic resignation.

"We're going to drain the swamp. We're going to fix the economy. We're going to make America great again." "But," the President concluded, "Some things can't be drained. Some things can't be fixed."

"I've inherited a mess," he said. "It's a disaster. Benzo, you know, he let in a lot of bad hombres. Too many."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3530106&forum_id=2],#32651221)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3530106&forum_id=2],#32653956)

hardest i've lol'd in months

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3530106&forum_id=2],#32653989)

Bumped twice, I haven't ruled out bumping a third.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3530106&forum_id=2],#32673667)

God damnit this is perfect

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3530106&forum_id=2],#47971979)