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“Evan, you’re triggering me, friend. I need a paid break, stat.”
| Mainlining The Secret Truths of My Mahchine | 11/09/24 |
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Date: November 9th, 2024 11:14 AM Author: Mainlining The Secret Truths of My Mahchine (G. Hoy’s Floor 24 ‘Truth’—No Great Becumming, Only Gravity :() Thanks to Washington’s Workplace Stress Ordinance, employees can request IMMEDIATE paid breaks if they feel overwhelmed. A thoughtful measure for those in genuine distress — until you meet Jerry, master of legal abuse and professional Houdini.
Today, after I asked him to stock the produce section, he clutched his chest like he’d been hit by a sniper. “Evan, you’re triggering my anxiety. Legally, I’m entitled to an immediate stress break, friend.”
Without waiting for a response, he vanished. Two hours later, I found out he’d been chain-smoking by the loading dock, FaceTiming his girlfriend about “the mental toll of this OPPRESSIVE workplace.”
Meanwhile, I was left explaining to Karen #34 why kale isn’t “mature spinach.” She accused me of lying and suggested I “educate myself on leafy greens.”
HR’s take? Tabitha, licking the frosting off a donut, barely contained her amusement. “Law’s the law, Evan. Maybe check your cognition—I trained you on this ordinance months ago.” She chuckled. “You’re lucky Jerry’s not filing a complaint.”
Finished Jerry’s shift, bagged groceries solo, and muttered, “Yes, friend. This is fine.” |