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Neon Ash -- A short story be Scrivener's Error

Los Angeles, January 2025. I’m 40 now, sitting in a Ko...
scrivener's error
  04/01/25
...
scrivener's error
  04/01/25
Amazing work. Please post Chapter 2
Deranged Pangolin
  04/01/25
Did you get the subtle hint at what would happen in Chapter ...
scrivener's error
  04/01/25
I think it involves either a bullet, a noose, or an exit bag
Deranged Pangolin
  04/01/25
Below are the current hints. I think I need to -- at minimum...
scrivener's error
  04/01/25
Added some more foreshadowing and made it quite explicit in ...
scrivener's error
  04/01/25
brother, you had it right the first time imo. however, y...
sam hyde inseminating boner police's mouth via gjr
  04/01/25
I agree. It really is excellent work, and probably hits ...
Deranged Pangolin
  04/01/25
Thx
scrivener's error
  04/01/25
As for an actual Chapter 2, not likely. I'm doing a bunc...
scrivener's error
  04/01/25
can you make a master thread with links to your other storie...
sam hyde inseminating boner police's mouth via gjr
  04/01/25
This was great! Really rooting for him.
Senior Ethics Official
  04/01/25
Did you get the implication that the narrator started the Ja...
scrivener's error
  04/01/25
I did not. I should have, but I’m really high and just...
Deranged Pangolin
  04/01/25
Did you catch that the story is loosely based on the IRL of ...
scrivener's error
  04/01/25
I did gather that
Deranged Pangolin
  04/01/25
That actually wasn't in the first draft. Added that in once ...
scrivener's error
  04/01/25
who's the poaster?
sam hyde inseminating boner police's mouth via gjr
  04/02/25
Not getting how thats even related. Not mentioned in the sto...
Senior Ethics Official
  04/01/25
My goal is to subtly imply such. It's up to the reader to i...
scrivener's error
  04/02/25
I understood the implication that narrator was a firebug of ...
rear naked choke
  04/02/25
...
butt cheeks
  04/01/25
did you just run a bunch of xo threads through a chat gpt fi...
SkaddenArse
  04/01/25
...
Deranged Pangolin
  04/02/25
No. I'm writing a handful of very short stories each week in...
scrivener's error
  04/02/25
The story I'm currently working on is about a guy who has Mo...
scrivener's error
  04/02/25
There is no way these blocks of text are not at least partly...
Senior Ethics Official
  04/02/25
Pls elaborate. Specifically which phrases strike you as robo...
rear naked choke
  04/02/25
I see what you mean, but that's a mix of me working on my ch...
scrivener's error
  04/02/25
I like how you used a lot of words to not deny it's ai.
Senior Ethics Official
  04/02/25
To be very clear, I wrote it and AI did not write it.
scrivener's error
  04/02/25


Poast new message in this thread



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Date: April 1st, 2025 6:49 PM
Author: scrivener's error

Los Angeles, January 2025. I’m 40 now, sitting in a Koreatown dive bar called Neon Claw, sipping a vodka soda that tastes like battery acid and piss. The building shakes from the unusually strong Santa Ana winds blowing outside. The jukebox hums Light My Fire by the Doors as I flick my lighter under the table. The bartender’s got a neck tattoo of a praying mantis eating its mate. Fitting, right? Instead of tattoos, I my skin is etched with scars, claw marks, bite wounds -- a roadmap of betrayal etched into my back and face by a woman I used to call Lila. My ex-wife, the mother of my daughter, who I haven’t seen in years because the system’s a rigged Kike casino and I’m the sucker who keeps betting on red.

Back in 2016, they painted me as the villain in some Los Angeles courtroom circus: me, the "coercive, controlling abuser." A million bucks in legal fees later, Lila walked away with our daughter, my dignity, and my sanity, while I got a $10,000 fine for daring to snarl at the kikes in robes. They said I bullied them. I say I was the only one awake in a room full of sleepwalkers. The system's built to grind men like me into dust, and women like Lila? They know how to play the system.

It started at UCLA Law, 2009. She was a blonde firecracker, all cheekbones and dilatated pupils from the cocaine and Adderall -- floating through the Law Building like she owned the place. We didn’t hook up until 2012, after she landed a job at some soulless firm downtown. Dates were a blur. She'd slam back martinis until she’d black out. I'd try to keep up, until things would eventually explode into a fight about something stupid. I'd wake up with her broken nails embedded in my skin and her next to me, breath stinking of gin and emotional dependence. She’d spike my drinks: Xanax, MDMA, maybe some Viagra thrown in for kicks. Said it made me "less autistic." I’d stumble home with my dick raw and my head spinning, not knowing I’d just been her lab rat.

She lied about the birth control. Dug her talons into me during sex, forced me to finish inside her, grinning like a hyena while I begged to pull out. "It feels better this way," she’d slur, and I’d believe her because I was 29 and stupid and still thought women were human. Four months later, she’s pregnant. I stared at the sonogram, wondering how I got checkmated by a chick who once tried to stab me with a steak knife over a text from an ex I never even responded to.

The marriage was shotgun -- 10 gauge, slugs. She threatened a murder suicide if I didn’t sign the papers. We did it in some tacky Vegas chapel, her in a white dress she’d stained with red wine the night before, me in a suit I’d bought off the rack at TJ Max. She kept up the abuse: gave herself bruises with a hammer one night after biting my dick so the police would think that she's the victim. I stared at the blood on my dick that night, imagining how gasoline and a spark could fix it all. Postpartum, she got worse. Flew off to Austin with the baby, left me in a Century City condo with blood splatter on the walls and sheets.

The custody fight was a bloodbath. Her lawyer was a sleazy "Hollywood" type named Steiner. He fucked her the whole time and billed a million bucks for it. The kid’s lawyer, some feminist cunt named Moshebaum, charged $600 an hour to nod along in the courtroom and call me a mysogonist. They doctored photos -- Lila with fake bruises, timestamped bullshit -- while I had pics of her laughing at Griffith Park the next day, not a mark on her. Didn’t matter. The judge, a bloated relic with a comb-over, fined me for "hostility" and handed her the kid like a participation trophy. The kike lawyers laughed all the way to the bank, splitting the profits while I moved to a shithole in Fresno to lick my wounds. Fresno’s dry as hell -- taught me how fast brush catches when you’re drunk playing with a Zippo.

Now? I’m back in LA, a ghost in a city with no soul. I’ve got a Glock in my glovebox and a list of names scratched into the drywall of my Echo Park studio: Lila, Steiner, Moshebaum, the judge. I see them everywhere. Lila’s shacked up in the Palisades with some tech bro, feeding my daughter kale smoothies and lies about her dad. Steiner and Moshebaum are still bleeding men dry out at $600 an hour of their Century City offices. Me? I’m losing it. Last week, I smashed a bottle over a Chink's head at a gas station because he looked at me funny. The shattered glass glinted like embers. Felt good. Felt right.

Women like Lila aren’t just chaos; they’re armed chaos. The courts, the lawyers, the whole system -- it’s a Jewish fraud machine larping as a matriarchy dressed up as justice, and men are in the crosshairs. I puke after every meal, not because I’m sick, but because I can’t stomach the world anymore. Food tastes like ash, sex is a trap, and love’s a fairy tale for losers. I dream of driving to Lila’s house, kicking the door in, and finally getting some use out of my Glock. But then what? They’d lock me up, call me crazy, and she’d probably be revived at Ceders Sinae and then cry crocodile tears for the cameras.

Neon Claw’s emptying out. The mantis-tattoo bartender wipes the bar, eyeing me like I’m a stray dog. Maybe I am. I finish my drink, leave a crumpled twenty, and step into the night. The Santa Ana's give me hard smack to the face as I walk outside, but I'm used to that by now. I light a cigarette, watch the ember glow, and think about how easy it’d be to burn it all down: her house, their offices, this whole rotten city. The hills are tinder-dry this time of year -- Palisades especially. The list’s waiting. And me? I’m done swallowing the ash. They'll all swallow ash. One flick...

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804374)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 7:01 PM
Author: scrivener's error



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804407)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 7:04 PM
Author: Deranged Pangolin

Amazing work. Please post Chapter 2

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804418)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 7:07 PM
Author: scrivener's error

Did you get the subtle hint at what would happen in Chapter 2, if there were one?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804427)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 7:20 PM
Author: Deranged Pangolin

I think it involves either a bullet, a noose, or an exit bag

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804455)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 7:26 PM
Author: scrivener's error

Below are the current hints. I think I need to -- at minimum -- add some more foreshadowing into the first few paragraphs

"Los Angeles, January 2025."

"Lila’s probably shacked up in the Palisades with some tech bro..."

"I light a cigarette, watch the ember glow, and think about how easy it’d be to burn it all down: her house, their offices, this whole rotten city. The list’s waiting. And me? I’m done swallowing the ash. They'll all swallow ash."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804472)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 7:35 PM
Author: scrivener's error

Added some more foreshadowing and made it quite explicit in the last paragraph. I feel like its too explicit now, but I suppose no one will "get it" if it don't make it reasonably explicit.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804519)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 7:37 PM
Author: sam hyde inseminating boner police's mouth via gjr

brother, you had it right the first time imo.

however, you could have a chapter 2 about the chinaman.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804532)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 7:43 PM
Author: Deranged Pangolin

I agree.

It really is excellent work, and probably hits a bit close to home for many on this site.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804566)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 9:07 PM
Author: scrivener's error

Thx

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804900)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 7:51 PM
Author: scrivener's error

As for an actual Chapter 2, not likely.

I'm doing a bunch of 1-off short stories to explore characters. Once I find the characters that most resonate with me, I'm going to use them as characters in my novel.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804607)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 7:07 PM
Author: sam hyde inseminating boner police's mouth via gjr

can you make a master thread with links to your other stories?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804428)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 7:45 PM
Author: Senior Ethics Official

This was great! Really rooting for him.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804575)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 7:57 PM
Author: scrivener's error

Did you get the implication that the narrator started the January 2025 Palisades Fire?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804646)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 8:03 PM
Author: Deranged Pangolin

I did not. I should have, but I’m really high and just had a Sixth Sense moment

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804674)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 8:11 PM
Author: scrivener's error

Did you catch that the story is loosely based on the IRL of a well-known poaster?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804705)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 8:25 PM
Author: Deranged Pangolin

I did gather that

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804763)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 8:34 PM
Author: scrivener's error

That actually wasn't in the first draft. Added that in once I realized the similarities.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48804805)



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Date: April 2nd, 2025 1:21 PM
Author: sam hyde inseminating boner police's mouth via gjr

who's the poaster?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48806785)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 10:48 PM
Author: Senior Ethics Official

Not getting how thats even related. Not mentioned in the story i read.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48805165)



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Date: April 2nd, 2025 12:46 PM
Author: scrivener's error

My goal is to subtly imply such. It's up to the reader to interpret how he sees fit.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48806639)



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Date: April 2nd, 2025 1:23 PM
Author: rear naked choke

I understood the implication that narrator was a firebug of some sort but that's the extent of it

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48806792)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 10:49 PM
Author: butt cheeks (✅🍑)



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48805173)



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Date: April 1st, 2025 11:10 PM
Author: SkaddenArse

did you just run a bunch of xo threads through a chat gpt filter?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48805244)



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Date: April 2nd, 2025 1:02 AM
Author: Deranged Pangolin



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48805484)



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Date: April 2nd, 2025 12:51 PM
Author: scrivener's error

No. I'm writing a handful of very short stories each week in preparations of writing a novel. The goal is to quickly explore some characters to find the ones that really resonate with me. I'm going to take the 4-5 characters that really resonate with me blend their stories together into a mosaic narrative, similar to the movies Magnolia and Crash.

I'm only posting the ones here that have lawyer themes (and/or gay sex themes). I also find that posting them here motivates me to be more thorough with my editing.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48806665)



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Date: April 2nd, 2025 1:01 PM
Author: scrivener's error

The story I'm currently working on is about a guy who has Morgellons. Eventually it moves to his dick, causing him to compulsively pick at his dick. This evolves into a fetish, leading him to start inserting acupuncture needles into his dick so he could be sexually aroused by the sensation of pulling them out. Ends with him having his dick amputated after a series of infections.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48806712)



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Date: April 2nd, 2025 2:11 PM
Author: Senior Ethics Official

There is no way these blocks of text are not at least partly ai drivel. The turns of phrase are overly clever in some ways and tellingly robotic in others. Read enough ai shit and u see its tells. This is 80% ai though i will grant u at least read and edited lightly.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48807055)



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Date: April 2nd, 2025 2:15 PM
Author: rear naked choke

Pls elaborate. Specifically which phrases strike you as robotic?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48807089)



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Date: April 2nd, 2025 2:40 PM
Author: scrivener's error

I see what you mean, but that's a mix of me working on my character / scene descriptions and transitions, which used to be a big weak point of my writing, and being forced + lazy with my wordplay, eg. puns, double entendre, etc. I'm working on these basic fiction techniques, but I'm not very good at them yet. I also tend to prioritize fluid (god willing, even poetic) prose over being literal. I stand by that.

An example is the following "The bartender’s got a neck tattoo of a praying mantis eating its mate. Fitting, right? Instead of tattoos, I my skin is etched with scars, claw marks, bite wounds -- a roadmap of betrayal etched into my back and face by a woman I used to call Lila."

Flows well, but it's try-hard and nonsensical. Eg. tattoos and claw marks aren't actually scars.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48807313)



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Date: April 2nd, 2025 5:27 PM
Author: Senior Ethics Official

I like how you used a lot of words to not deny it's ai.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48808309)



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Date: April 2nd, 2025 6:58 PM
Author: scrivener's error

To be very clear, I wrote it and AI did not write it.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5703303&forum_id=2#48808656)