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Saw Mission Impossible: Final Reckoning. WTF is Cruise doing?!
| A Real Life Male Model | 06/12/25 |
| A Real Life Male Model | 06/12/25 |
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Date: June 12th, 2025 1:20 PM Author: A Real Life Male Model T. Cruise had this format down where he was basically guaranteed summer blockbusters forever:
1. Do James Bond without Bond-fanatic-baggage 2. Opening scene: escape from previous bad guy in exotic locale 3. Roll iconic theme song 4. Intersperse rest of movie with exotic locales, tuxedos, modelesque villainesses, ugly but sophisticated bad guys. Have a few fist fights, a few car chases (in super cars), lots of gadgets, a MacGuffin that saves the world, and a ticking clock of destruction at the end. Self-contained, two hours, fast food.
For Final Reckoning, this faggot built a 2h47m movie, not only apparently building off the one that came before, but on the whole franchise. The first, I shit you not, 30 minutes are entirely exposition, and rapid flashbacks to previous films.
Instead of introducing a character, and giving them some functional 30s backstory (oh, thats his buddy; that's his brother-in-law; that's a villain), they would just cut to some other movie.
This was side by side with 7 characters standing around, doing rapid-fire exposition.
"Ethen, the Entity is an AI super-virus who has infiltrated global networks."
"Which means it has infected every government on earth."
"That includes the nuclear arsenals."
"Which are falling under the Entity's control, even now Ethan."
"Which means... we are living in its reality."
"The only way to disable it is to retrieve its source code, using the program Luther wrote."
*flashback to Luther in a previous movie for 4 seconds*
"This program is now buried in an S-class Russian nuclear sub"
"This sub crashed on March 12, 2012 in the North Baltic"
*cut to sub crashing*
"Which means someone has to get down there."
"There is only one way down...."
And its this for like 30 fucking minutes. All group talking.
And one of the crew is a blonde girl, whose name we are not even given (we see her flashbacks from another movie), who inexplicably only speaks French. So while everyone is talking English, she just pipes in with French repeatedly.
The movie finally gets moving after about an hour. And he has the fist fights, the car chase, the ticking clocks (this time there are about six clocks).
The stunts are 180, esp the long airplane sequence.
Cruise gets to stare at the camera and shout, "YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON THE INTERNET."
A girl gets to tell him, "Long hair looks better on you."
There are ZERO exotic, Bondy locales. He goes to the Arctic Sea and once to South Africa.
The best gadget is just a smart wetsuit.
The Potus, of course, is a WOC. The only talented secret service agent is a short asian girl. The most bad-ass submarine seaman is a dyke.
Just a shit movie, when all he has to do is simple James Bond shit. Sad. |
Date: June 12th, 2025 1:24 PM Author: A Real Life Male Model Also theaters suck. I went to an "expensive" one, only choice near me. $38 two people. Still has black teens on their cell phones.
This new waiter service model sucks, as there were multiple times 2+ waiters were walking right in front of me during the film. Faggots just order burgers at minute 28 of the movie.
Also, somebody farted audibly.
Way better to stay home |