Plato

Kant

Aquinas

Spinoza

Hume

Hobbes

Descartes

Nietzsche

Smith

Marx

Proudhon

Rousseau

Quine

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5735696&forum_id=2#49002620)

Seeks structure. Demands systems. The PS1 offers rules, order, beginnings and ends. He calls it telos. Calls Tomb Raider a text. Plays by categories. Thinks every game has a nature.

Plato – Xbox

Chases shadows. Calls Halo truth. Ignores the grease, the slime, the Mountain Dew breath. Lives in the lobby and says it’s a cave. Hears a twelve-year-old scream racial slurs and calls it dialectic.

Kant – PS5

Towering, cold, silent. Judges its form first—declares it sublime. Reads the EULA twice. Updates the firmware before touching the controller. Refuses multiplayer—says autonomy requires solitude. Buys Demon’s Souls, never dodges, dies with dignity. Measures every action by universal law. Believes ray tracing reveals the thing-in-itself. Calls haptics the noumenal made flesh. Never enjoys it. That would be wrong.

Aquinas – 32X

Builds a theology out of polygons. Combines Mario with God. Can’t tell the difference. Worships the 32X as a cross. Says Knuckles teaches temperance. Preaches about frame rate to a church with no one in it.

Spinoza – PS3

Merges with it. Becomes heat and fan noise and sacred silicon. Doesn’t select games—lets them unfold. Says losing is necessary. Believes all lag is divine expression.

Hume – Xbox 360

Clicks randomly. Feels nothing. Trusts nothing. Sees bullets hit but doubts it. Laughs at stats. Asks if kills even matter. Always hits eject before saving.

Hobbes – Xbox One S

Spawns in. Shoots first. Shoots again. Calls everything a threat. Says the lobby is nature. Thinks the ban hammer is Leviathan. Believes trust is a weakness.

Descartes – PS1

Thinks. Doubts. Presses buttons slowly. Needs proof before playing. Drives in circles in Gran Turismo looking for metaphysics. Screams when the disc skips. Says the DualShock is his soul.

Nietzsche – N64

Demands pain. Demands challenge. Hates tutorials. Hates help. Calls Majora’s Mask divine. Laughs at Mario. Embraces the 32X as his cross. Destroys everything he loves, including himself.

Adam Smith – PS1

Watches prices. Watches trade. Buys low. Sells games to friends with markups. Calls memory cards “capital.” Thinks FF7 proves division of labor. Never plays—just counts.

Marx – Saturn

Rejects the PS1. Calls it bourgeois indulgence. Chooses the Saturn. Not because it's fun—because it’s dialectical. Studies its failure. Analyzes its architecture. Calls the dual CPU design a metaphor for contradiction. Imports obscure Japanese strategy games. Says Panzer Dragoon is historical materialism in motion. Owns thirty untranslated discs. Plays none of them. Writes a three-volume critique of the launch lineup. Says Sega died for our sins. Says history ends not in triumph—but in loading screens.

Proudhon – Xbox One X

Steals Xbox Live. Mods the console. Installs homebrew. Declares ownership violence. Tells friends to torrent games, then shames them for paying. Screams “Property is theft” into the headset.

Rousseau – N64

Says the PS2 is freedom. Says it liberates. Rejects tutorials, skips cutscenes, never reads the manual. Wanders through Shadow of the Colossus and calls it education. Cries at ICO. Says the memory card is chains—unplugs it to live honest. Tells children to play barefoot on CRTs. Thinks GameFAQs is tyranny. Believes the PS2 is nature before it was corrupted—pure, broken, and holy.

Quine – PS3

Types. Doesn’t play. Just types. Drowns in code. Analyzes load times. Calls genres social constructs. Boot loops the console and calls it epistemology. Smiles once, then never again.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5735696&forum_id=2#49007233)

not cool

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5735696&forum_id=2#49007238)