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itt i rate living on a binary scale of BEARABLE or UNBEARABLE
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Date: November 14th, 2010 3:32 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk unbearable (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547165) |
Date: November 14th, 2010 3:42 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547177) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 3:48 AM Author: Misunderstood House-broken Digit Ratio What's wrong, buddy? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547191) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:01 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk everything is painful. everything good has been ruined. the world would be better without me and i hate being here. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547221) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:18 AM Author: Sooty Goal In Life Partner (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547236) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:19 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk i *NEED* to die (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547238) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:21 AM Author: Sooty Goal In Life Partner (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547241) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:21 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk i really really really want this to end. what can i do (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547242) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:28 AM Author: Sooty Goal In Life Partner (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547249) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:30 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk i'm already an organ donor i don't have access to a gun |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:31 AM Author: Misunderstood House-broken Digit Ratio i don't think you should kill yourself (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547253) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:33 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk the problem is that i don't want to kill myself. i just want to escape from this pain and dying is the only way i can think of that would definitely work. so i want to die (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547255) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:35 AM Author: gold mental disorder what's going on in your life man (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547257) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:38 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk there are a few threads about it. it doesn't matter, though. i know tons and tons of people have much worse problems, objectively. but i can't help crying every day and wanting to cut myself open, jump out every open window i see, and throw myself in front of cars. it is really really hard to bear (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547263) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:36 AM Author: Misunderstood House-broken Digit Ratio wanting to die over a guy/girl is kind of silly, tho (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547258) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:37 AM Author: Sooty Goal In Life Partner (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547261) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:50 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk it's not really that. i mean yes i hurt tremendously every time i think about the fact that we will probably never be together again, but that's not the only thing. every time i think of what i did exactly three months ago, god it was happening right now or just about to, and what it did to everyone and how fucking disgusting and awful and immoral and stupid it was, i feel a regret so strong that it goes beyond wanting to go back in time and take it back - i want never to have been born; i want everything in the world to be something completely different. and knowing that i can't change what i did or its effects makes me want to rip apart. you guys don't understand that NOTHING WILL EVER BE OKAY AGAIN. nothing. i know i sound like i'm being melodramatic but it's really really hard to deal with. i've probably cried for two hours today, and today was a better day than average. whenever i'm alone i think about it and cry and don't feel like i can last another day without exploding. on the worst days i don't feel like i can last another five seconds and i start walking toward a street or window or whatever. tonight i really wanted to cut myself open to atone or something but my suitemate has my knife from last time. i don't post here for attention; i post here because it's so bad i have to try to articulate it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547280) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:54 AM Author: embarrassed to the bone menage box, just stop please. get on meds if you are not already.
you have the whole world in front of you. you are extremely bright, and young, and cute. you are being completely fucking retarded if you are seriously contemplating suicide. |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:58 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk meds wouldn't help because it's not a chemical thing - i'm grieving or whatever over something i killed. god i wish meds were a possibility.
i'm not contemplating suicide; i just wish i could die. lately i've been wishing i would get cancer and then there would be an end in sight and that would be such a relief.
but i'd never kill myself. i'm too much of a pussy. something about the idea of suicide is so intuitively unnatural. i'd almost feel like i was cheating |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:04 AM Author: Misunderstood House-broken Digit Ratio of course it's a chemical thing. your assessment of "NOTHING WILL EVER BE OKAY AGAIN. nothing." is not based on a clear-headed, rational evaluation of your circumstances. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547303) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:08 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk no, it's like... no matter how objectively ok my life is, i'll never not be being eaten alive by guilt and self-hatred and regret. based on the past few months i can say rationally and with confidence that i've ruined my (subjective experience of) life. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547309) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:10 AM Author: Misunderstood House-broken Digit Ratio you're claiming both that 1) you will be consumed by guilt for the rest of your life because you cheated on a boyfriend, and 2) you don't suffer from a chemical imbalance in your silly ape brain?
i think you're gonna have to pick one or the other |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:14 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk i smiled through my tears at your moniker (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547321) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:07 AM Author: claret roommate although we like to attach extreme significance to individual people, we're all a lot less unique than we think.
learn from your mistakes and move on. there are plenty of fish in the sea -- and there's a lot more to life than romantic relationships; it's just a small part that we are evolutionarily programmed to pursue for the purpose of babby making |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:12 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk it's it just him, though. it's the fact that I DID THIS.
like what if you were drunk driving and killed your neighbor who was like this 13 year old boy and his parents emailed you every day like "you are an evil person, you ruined my life" and the person in the passenger's seat of your car, who had coaxed you into drinking, called you ten times a day and left whiny voicemails like "why can't we be friends again"
and someone was like "hey don't worry about it man there are plenty of other 13 year olds out there" |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:16 AM Author: Misunderstood House-broken Digit Ratio oh, now you're the moral equivalent of a reckless killer of teenage boys? how much longer before you start telling us that you're essentially hitler (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547323) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:17 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk there are plenty of people who would agree that cheating is a hundred times worse than driving drunk (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547326) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:18 AM Author: Misunderstood House-broken Digit Ratio you could probably find people on this board who would tell you that cheating is worse than killing jews, but that doesn't make it so (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547327) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:30 AM Author: embarrassed to the bone menage what you did was fucking shitty, but you were 19. you haven't forgiven yourself, but trust me, you are already forgiven to everyone else, because of youth itself, which is erring but infallible. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547346) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:33 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk i can think of some people to whom i'm not forgiven (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547353) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:46 AM Author: embarrassed to the bone menage well, you will be forgiven in time even by those. it's simply impossible for a normal person to hold a life long grudge against someone as young as you are, because to do so would mean this person would have to disregard the qualities of youth itself. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547369) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:48 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk 19 is old enough to know (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547370) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:49 AM Author: embarrassed to the bone menage it's still young enough that no one reasonable will hate you or even think much less of you for long. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547373) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:52 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk we weren't even officially together, and the weekend before he had planned to fuck some other girl (but his friend did instead). but i PROMISED (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547375) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 6:01 AM Author: embarrassed to the bone menage It doesn't even fucking matter. time and youth (which is just a function of time I guess) > ALL, everything else is secondary. stop being an emo fgt, both you and twist won't remember this in a few years. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547380) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:20 AM Author: claret roommate lol, 180 analogy
in all seriousness though - you should cut ties and move on or make amends. this limbo stage sounds like pure shit.
you didn't kill, maim, or permanently injure anyone.
you might carry it with you for a while, but the doods involved, and you, will all eventually have new significant others which means you 1) won't feel as badly anymore and 2) will be distracted and care less b/c of the new guy |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:22 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk i permanently injured people mang (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547332) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:26 AM Author: claret roommate no, you didn't. what you did is more equivalent to tazoring someone -- they are surprised, upset and feel harmed by it, but it's not actually a big deal in the long run.
remember thinking how fucking stupid romeo and juliet were? |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:30 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk it was a big deal in this case. i mean he's ok now but the extent to which he wasn't ok for the two months following was... scarring.
r&j were pretty rational actors man idk |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:41 AM Author: claret roommate men have gone to war, seen their best friends mutilated and killed, and managed to get on with their lives. don't let teenage romance become too important.
life is short, youth is even shorter, it's retarded to spend too much time upset and dwelling on the past.
he was hurt, but he's over the hump, and will be completely fine. this shit can fuck with your head, especially when you're young -- but try to be a little more existential about it. |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:43 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk the fact that people have faced worse things doesn't say anything about subjective experience
and i mean he was unbalanced to begin with. eggshell plaintiff and shit |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:49 AM Author: claret roommate true, but maybe it can help put things in perspective a little bit.
the baby crying about its dropped lollipop is subjectively devastated,
you and him will both think of this as trivial someday
edit: all the more reason to not feel as morally culpable |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:54 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk the point of the eggshell skull thing is that i AM culpable. plus i had prior knowledge (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547376) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 6:02 AM Author: claret roommate what you did was shitty, and you should feel badly - but you're taking it way too far. being hard on yourself doesn't make things better for anyone - learn from this and move on.
it's really not that big of a deal - there is no permanent damage that you need to carry with you and atone for. |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:11 AM Author: embarrassed to the bone menage the fact that you sincerely wish death when you are 19, and healthy, and not starving, or suffering from some sort of physical pain, is almost certain proof that you have severe depression and/or other mental issues. Sure, you believe you have a cause for your emotions and that you have guilt or regret or whatever, but your emotional response isn't really proportional at this point, and if it's becoming debilitating, and posing a threat to your well being, you should seek treatment. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547317) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:16 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk i mean i'm getting a psych eval on the 29th but i'm sure they're just going to say that i'm like mourning or whatever and need to gtfoi
i guess it's unusual that it's not getting better (it might be getting worse) but idk that's just an issue of my not being able to deal with things |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:17 AM Author: embarrassed to the bone menage show them some of your posts in this thread, they will put you on meds, TRUST ME.
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:20 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk my therapist knows i cry all the time and cut myself a few times and lay in the road for ten minutes once, and she supports the psych thing just because i'll feel better having looked into it. she didn't even recommend it; a lady i talked to on our psych services hotline at 2 am a couple weeks ago did.
and she (my therapist) knows everything sooo |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:28 AM Author: embarrassed to the bone menage Does she have prescription power? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547342) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:31 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk no but she would've been like hey you should get an evaluation (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547350) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:34 AM Author: embarrassed to the bone menage her lack of prescription power is the only reason she didn't give you meds. Go see someone who has prescription power. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547355) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:37 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk that's what i'm doing on the 29th. what i'm saying is that she never even recommended that i see someone who can prescribe, which she would have if she thought it was likely to help (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547360) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:41 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk also: people who have been depressed say i'm not bc i'm miserable instead of empty/apathetic/unable to register emotions. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547366) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:48 AM Author: embarrassed to the bone menage that makes no sense. you wouldn't be depressed if you were apathetic. maybe dysthymic, but not depressed to the point of wanting to kill/cut self.
i don't see how you are making a distinction between being depressed and being miserable. they are the same thing. |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:51 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk idk there were some other things he talked about in that thread... i think you were in it too and had had similar experiences. anyway he says i'm not depressed. and another "friend" just emailed me with the diagnosis self-obsession. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547374) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:36 AM Author: claret roommate pick up an extreme sport, it might cheer you up and change your outlook on life -- and even if it doesn't, your odds of dying go way up (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547259) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:39 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk video not available on mobile. describe? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547266) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:43 AM Author: claret roommate awesomeness (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547271) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:44 AM Author: gold mental disorder Not sure the OP (or anyone on this board) is ALPHA enough for this (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547273) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:49 AM Author: claret roommate edit: op is box, you are probably right w/ the exception of boor (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547278) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 5:56 AM Author: ocher cracking rigor milk i'm going to sleep. ty guys. sry so annoying. i just can't do it irl cuz everyone else has problems too. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16547378) |
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Date: November 14th, 2010 4:56 PM Author: Pearl sexy tattoo famous landscape painting *gives you a flower* (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1479391&forum_id=2#16550095) |