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Good writers: Fix this clunky sentence I can't seem to fix
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Poast new message in this thread
Date: April 30th, 2021 9:48 AM Author: adventurous abnormal idea he suggested temple As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C and containing D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376133) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:57 AM Author: pungent native "C was seen driving in the X area, with D as a passenger, by both A and B."
(no one gives a fuck whether A and B were driving or doing a standing 69 at the time they saw these faggots) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 12:01 PM Author: Pearly Resort they do if its an auto case. Contrib or comparative play a role potentially. Better to keep it clean.
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Date: April 30th, 2021 2:10 PM Author: Pontificating Ticket Booth Half-breed Your sentence doesn't even say that A and B saw C and D, just that they passed them. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42377665) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2021 12:40 PM Author: violet whorehouse hominid As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42386999) |
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Date: February 25th, 2022 1:42 PM Author: insanely creepy university multi-billionaire Subject: Quick fixxx As A and B were driving in X, they passed a car driven by C containing D as a passenger.
EDIT: LMAO at the date |
Date: April 30th, 2021 9:52 AM Author: brilliant low-t parlour ape “As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C. D was a passenger in C’s car at the time.”
Would break up the sentences. Your original sentence isn’t terrible though. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:53 AM Author: charismatic autistic bbw box office (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376148) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: adventurous abnormal idea he suggested temple i thought about breaking it up -- it worse because it puts emphasis on "D was a passenger in C’s car at this time" -- which is a minor detail.
it doesn't really matter whether C or D is the driver. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:56 AM Author: brilliant low-t parlour ape Ah m, okay. For some reason I assumed that D was the main person. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376166) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:03 AM Author: adventurous abnormal idea he suggested temple C and D are both involved. I continue to use the term "C's car" for clarity (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376201) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:51 AM Author: pungent native "at this time"
ROFL |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:54 AM Author: Pearly Resort Need to clarify at some point whether A or B were actually driving. Or were they in two separate cars, both of which passed C. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376155) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: brilliant low-t parlour ape Yeah I just worked with the isolated sentence in question b/c I didn’t know what the surrounding sentences are like. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376160) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:04 AM Author: Pearly Resort You can do it in another sentence, but it's going to be important to be clear who was driving in the passing car. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376205) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:55 AM Author: Odious maroon cuckold While driving in the X area, A & B passed a car that C was driving with a passenger, D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376157) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:57 AM Author: cruel-hearted boistinker (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376168) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:58 AM Author: shivering stain As A and B were driving separately in the X area, they passed a car driven by C which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376174) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: diverse point This suggestion isn't meant to be used word for word, just generally to give you the right idea on how to handle this sort of thing, please develop as part of an exercise in your own development as a lawyer. Really need to break this into clauses that explain everything.
As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C and containing D as a passenger.
WHEREAS A, B, C, and D are human persons domiciled in Jurisdiction Y
WHEREAS X is a certain area in Jurisdiction Y
WHEREAS A, B, and C are legally authorized to operate motor vehicles ("cars" and each individual such vehicle a "car")
WHEREAS on that certain date, A, B, and C were operating cars.
WHEREAS on that certain date, D was a passenger in the car operated by C.
Now, therefore be it resolved, on that certain date, the aforementioned cars traversed on intersecting paths in Area X.
[I assume by "passed" you mean "passed" as in "they passed by each other while headed in different directions," revise if you mean they were going the same way and A/B's cars passed/overtook C's car.]
Please handle and recirculate, thanks. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:03 AM Author: adventurous abnormal idea he suggested temple (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376203) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:25 AM Author: alcoholic step-uncle's house milk (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376657) |
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Date: May 4th, 2022 12:40 PM Author: Chrome At-the-ready Sanctuary Friendly Grandma Very clear, no ambiguity, reads like 1st order logic, I like it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#44453959) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: Erotic spot prole As A and B entered the X area, they looked at each other, and although none of them said a word, they understood each other perfectly. It was X area after all. Are there any Xs around, they wondered? They passed a beaten-up vehicle with ridiculous oversized chromed wheels with C as a driver and D as a passenger. X's! - thought A and B. C and D did not think anything. They were high. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376178) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: electric theater stage mental disorder (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376340) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: greedy toaster FRIENDLESS FAGGOT BIRDSHIT A was driving some FAGgOt BIRdshit car alone(some other NIFmGGA was drivomg alone in another car) they passed ALPHA TURD C , who has MANY DRINKING BUDDIES, SO NATURALLY HAD A PASSENGER (most likely an AZNgirl getting wet for MAMMOTH TURDCOCK) (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376183) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: blathering slate space gunner (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376187) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: diverse point (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376195) |
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Date: May 1st, 2021 12:19 AM Author: blathering slate space gunner (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42380818) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: blathering slate space gunner As A and B were sucking each other’s cocks in the XXX area, C drove by with D cumming in his ass. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376184) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: charismatic autistic bbw box office i think you nailed it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376191) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 3:36 PM Author: Walnut home (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42378174) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:00 AM Author: charismatic autistic bbw box office i hope everyone appreciates the mental illness being performed right now. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376189) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:28 AM Author: honey-headed messiness gaming laptop (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376669) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: drab aphrodisiac theater A and B passed D and C, who was driving. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376194) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:37 AM Author: Hot Sandwich (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376341) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:52 AM Author: pungent native sounds like a riddle (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376816) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: Vibrant Locus Blood Rage i hate this crap
As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed by D driving with C. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:05 AM Author: adventurous abnormal idea he suggested temple i wish this works and it sounds nice but it seems slightly off (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376206) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:06 AM Author: Vibrant Locus Blood Rage As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed by D (who was driving with C).
This is it |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:07 AM Author: adventurous abnormal idea he suggested temple doesn't it need "D's car" (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376216) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:42 AM Author: Vibrant Locus Blood Rage it says he was driving, which means an automobile.
if you think specifying what kind of automobile is a key detail then can add that |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:05 AM Author: Pearly Resort Why do you need B, assuming A was driving. Don't say B was driving. Ever. If he wasnt.
As A was driving, they passed ... |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:06 AM Author: sickened magenta den stock car you have to make it more exciting. keep the reader interested.
"Where did this take place? In X. And what happened in X? A and B were together in a car. And what did that car do? Why it passed by another car, a car driven by C. And was C alone in that second car? No, no C was not. C was with D. That's right. A and B passed C and D. It's all true." |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:08 AM Author: Awkward trailer park new version Were A and B both at the wheel? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376217) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:13 AM Author: charismatic autistic bbw box office turns out it was a tandem bicycle. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376233) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:20 AM Author: Hot Sandwich (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376607) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:18 AM Author: Kink-friendly water buffalo As some faggot and his friend were driving in the restricted area, they passed a car driven by a nigger and containing some other faggot as a passenger. Regards, I hope this helps. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376246) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:26 AM Author: Rebellious jew The two cars passed in X. In one, A was driving B. In the other, C was driving D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376290) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:29 AM Author: drab aphrodisiac theater star crossed lovers. reads like brokeback mountain (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376306) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:31 AM Author: Rebellious jew still the best way to do it. He has more than a handful of items to hit: location, two cars, who was each driver and who was each passenger, that they passed.
This does it and leaves no uncertainty at all |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:34 AM Author: brilliant low-t parlour ape (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376330) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:35 AM Author: electric theater stage mental disorder Okay? Wow. Hey. Picture this: Cars A and B. Right? Going through section X. *makes large "X" using forearms* And boom! Right there, they pass car C. *makes "C" using hand* A car which, at the time, was containing D *unzips pants* as a passenger. *pulls cock out of fly* Any questions? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376331) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:40 AM Author: Mint heaven A and B, as was their custom from time to time, were engaged in that most fanciful of modern hobbies, navigation of modern paved roads in a device propelled by an internal combustion engine, whence, they happened to pass by and through the X area. It was delightful that time of year and a welcome respite from their usual tiresome surroundings. And, as fate or chance, or even perhaps the Muses had it, another fellow engaged in the very same hobby happened by. Of course, known to them, and combustion engine navigators the State over, twas C along with D. Both were fair fellows and known to A and B. As custom would insist they happened both to notice and acknowledge each other, hobbyists in the same pursuit as they were. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376358) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:44 AM Author: indigo naked wagecucks So, we need to talk about A driving around with B. Here's the thing: they were in X area, and what's problematic is they passed by C—yes, THAT C. C had a passenger at the time, D. Here's why that's not okay. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376389) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:45 AM Author: costumed field 400 km/h, 450 km/h, 500 km/h, 550 km/h; A could feel the force of the acceleration pressing him against the sport bucket seats of his Turbo Allegra Mk. 2, their soft, well-sourced alcantara cosseting his tightly leather chapped legs, the micromechanical motors within instantaneously adjusting to each minor perturbation in the vehicle's three-axis orientation to keep him perfectly balanced, its SWIFT systems scanning kilometers ahead of them in real-time and predictively modulating the various electromagnetic and anti-kinetic shielding systems in order to protect their passage as they rocketed upward toward the gateway to area X--area X, the Sacred Seat of Cybernetic Heaven, its secrets whispering to the hovels of his birthplace below, beckoning brave boys with the Siren Song: "Come, Unlock Our Treasurehosue of Wonder or Die Trying"; "It's a goddamn marvel--" that was B, his copilot jockey, in the seat beside him--he'd always liked the tech stuff, engineered things were his jig and jive and the natural knack he'd expressed for them had been evident since his Fourth Year when he'd spontaneously programmed a molecular excavator during off time while the rest of the class was at the playground; he and B had been practicing for this for over three years, secretive sessions when the sensor rings slipped from alignment every third week on Sunday for maintena--"we have a fucking BOGEY at 3 o'clock HIGH!" B screamed, interrupting his meditation on the past--the systems of the Allegra were fast, but B was faster and he'd spotted the incoming a split second before the computerized indication of the same: "Warning, SWIFT has detected an intrusion in the third--" he cut off the computer; he knew what he needed to know: C was moving to intercept them in his Outrigger, accompanied by D; they'd planned for this eventuality, both the conflict itself and the psychology of facing your own brother and cousin 45 kilometers up in the air, each precise maneuver tiptoeing on the razor thin edge between life and death, a minute miscalculation capable of throwing you off the wrong side into a fiery midair death--there was something poignant about it, the notion that he could die up here in an instant and to his friends and family in the warrens of Bressville below, toiling through their daily tasks with no comprehension of the enormous aerial pageantry above them, his life could blot out with no greater signifier than a vanishing spot of light in the sky; he banished the thought of this and other things as he shouted in the cockpit "let's smoke these fuckers" and pushed down hard on the throttle, the frame of the Allegra bending, straining, complying with the command as they soared to meet the enemy head on, he and B laughing aloud at the thrill of it all. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376393) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 10:55 AM Author: lilac swashbuckling business firm regret Each of A and B were driving in AREA. They both passed a car driven by C with D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376456) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:05 AM Author: Spectacular Aquamarine Stage A and B passed a car driven by C, who was transporting D as a passenger, as they drove through the X area. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376505) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:07 AM Author: irradiated unhinged parlor two people, a & b, drove past c driving with d in his car. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376517) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:13 AM Author: pea-brained ivory area C and his passenger D were traveling in X area. A overtook and passed them. B overtook and passed them too. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376555) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:19 AM Author: sexy poppy state As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C, which contained D as a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376600) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:24 AM Author: Galvanic demanding gas station Haven’t read any of the replies, so someone else may have made the same suggestion, but I’d go with:
While driving in the X area, A & B passed a car containing C (driver) and D (passenger). |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:27 AM Author: Walnut home This was basically gromjoh's poast above except his was more concise. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376665) |
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Date: February 22nd, 2022 10:01 AM Author: cracking plum place of business feces (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#44008887) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:33 AM Author: Excitant seedy volcanic crater writing MFE's, any resources on improving clunky writing? I recently jumped from GOV to tech (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376695) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:33 AM Author: diverse point Did you try the hydro hack? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376699) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:40 AM Author: Razzle pink house laser beams What’s that (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376738) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 11:41 AM Author: diverse point You should drink more water, you're probably dehydrated. This will, among other things, improve cognitive function and therefore improve your writing. While you're at it also check your posture I bet you're slouching right now. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42376746) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:17 PM Author: Lascivious Casino Just write in the active voice with short simple sentences, subject verb object. Not hard (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42377389) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:16 PM Author: Lascivious Casino A and B saw C driving in X (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42377381) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:28 PM Author: concupiscible primrose cuckoldry background story andy and brad were driving around brooklyn when they passed carl and dave in their car.
this doesn't define who is driving and who is riding though.
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Date: April 30th, 2021 1:38 PM Author: Onyx Pit Toilet Seat I am gay (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42377484) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 3:36 PM Author: Walnut home great thread (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42378176) |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 3:39 PM Author: passionate coral associate bawdyhouse Shitty writing is putting too much into one sentence. A and B were driving in the X area. [query: are they both driving separate cars?] C driving D passed them. |
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Date: April 30th, 2021 8:29 PM Author: sickened magenta den stock car A and C, drivers, were in different cars, driving through area X, and with them were B and D, passengers; B was with A while D was with C; A and B passed by C and D. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42379691) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2021 12:50 PM Author: sickened magenta den stock car (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42387061) |
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Date: May 23rd, 2021 3:44 PM Author: sickened magenta den stock car (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42509184) |
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Date: May 2nd, 2021 12:36 PM Author: diverse point Where are we on this? Thank (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#42386977) |
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Date: February 22nd, 2022 10:06 AM Author: Shaky appetizing queen of the night As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C in which D was a passenger. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#44008916) |
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Date: February 25th, 2022 1:44 PM Author: pungent native OP, does this help? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#44032743) |
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Date: June 22nd, 2022 9:32 AM Author: Razzle-dazzle Translucent Incel i don't think anyone reads shitlaw shitpaper so it doesn't matter. aren't state court judges borderline retarded? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#44722512) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 12:23 PM Author: Pet Relief Area (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#49827186) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 12:42 PM Author: UN peacekeeper "and containing D as" -> "in which D was", otherwise fine (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#49827205) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 1:15 PM Author: hmmm i think weather is fraudlies Lots of helpful suggestions in this thread but I’m not sure we’ve got it figured out just yet. Let’s put a pin in it and move on. OP: what’s the next sentence? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#49827228) |
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Date: April 19th, 2026 2:57 PM Author: Pet Relief Area (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2Elisa#49827363) |