Bros - I'm only going to talk to you just for a minute or so this evening. Because...

I have some very sad news for all of you, and I think sad news for all of our fellow citizens, and people who love peace all over the Internet, and that is that I am still a 25 year old virgin.

(Horrified screams and shouts)

I dedicated last summer to love and to sex with an actual woman. I poasted in the cause of that effort. In this difficult day, in this difficult time for the Internet, it's perhaps well to ask what kind of a shitboard we are and what direction we want to move in.

For those of you who have sex - considering the evidence evidently is that celibate men have single-handedly advanced civilization - you can be filled with bitterness, and with hatred, and a desire for revenge.

We can move in that direction as a country, in greater polarization - sex-havers amongst sex-havers, and virgins amongst pillow girlfriends, filled with hatred toward one another. Or we can make an effort, as I did, to understand and to comprehend, and replace that silence, that shame of megapoasting that has spread across our land, with an effort to neg, escalate and close.

For those of you who have sex and are tempted to be filled with incredulity and mistrust of the persistence of this shtick, against all celibates, I would only say that I can also feel in my own heart the same kind of feeling. Every member of my fraternity was fucked, and they were fucked by sewer skunk white girls.

But I tried to make an effort in real life, I tried to make an effort to sarge, to get beyond this rather difficult approach anxiety.

My favorite poet was Estrada. He once wrote: "Even in our sleep, dreams that my mom will not forget fall poast by poast upon this bort, until in my own despair comes coitus through an awkward time with [MODS!]."

What we need from the Internet is not escort services; what we need from the Internet is not clean cut bros; what we need from the Internet is not cock-blocking and white-knighting, but is aspie relationship advice with a comprehensive theory of hypergamy applicable toward every possible set of hot babes, and a lexicon of acronyms for every fucking thing, whether it be in real life or whether it be shit that didn't happen.

(Interrupted by applause)

So I ask you tonight to stop poasting, till tomorrow at least, to say a prayer for the chastity of phi beta cappuccino, yeah that's true, but more importantly to call up a girl that he can date - a girl with the understanding and that compassion of which I spoke.

I can do well in this sarge. I will have difficult times. I've had difficult times in the past. And I will have difficult times in the future. It is not the end of bitch shields; it is not the end of flaked dates; and it is not the end of last-minute resistance.

But the vast majority of virgins, the vast majority of non-Asians anyway, in this country get to have sex eventually, get to make babby, and get to have semi-regular sexual gratification from a real live uncoerced woman that abides in our land.

(Interrupted by applause)

Let us dedicate ourselves to what the Geeks wrote so many years ago: to game the averageness of man and make cheerful a girl with big tits.

Let us dedicate ourselves to that, and make a player out of phi beta cappuccino. Thank you very much.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2201748&forum_id=2#22783524)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2201748&forum_id=2#22784818)

Date:

March 9th, 2007 2:03 PM

Author:

lonelyvirgin

This e-mail will be dispatched to the entire YLS faculty within the next five minutes. I've assembled a

spreadsheet with their addresses and every single one of them will be notified about what our darling little

Heide has done. I post this here as a warning to all those who would try to regulate the more antisocial

posters- we have the power now.

-----------------------

Dear Yale Law faculty,

I write to you now about a very important issue that affects a non-trivial number of you. Although you

undoubtedly deal with self-entitled, spoiled students on a regular basis, there’s one person in particular

whose history I feel you must be made aware of before problems arise. Heide Iravani, a student in your 09

class, has a felon as a father who stole money from the World Bank to buy her horses. I kid you not, she

asked her father for horses so he took money from an organization aimed at helping the poor. Just imagine

how hard she must have begged him in order to commit such an odious crime. One could make the argument that her character at ten is not representative of her values as an adult, if it wasn’t for the recent evidence to the contrary. She spent in excess of $150 to remove material that was in the public domain, simply because she found it offensive that it emphasized her good looks. If such reckless use of money in the name of free speech suppression is not indicative of a damaged character, I don’t know what it is. Best of luck to you in managing this liability, it is regretful that the admissions process can’t encapsulate the entire person.

XOXO

HTH

Patrick Bateman (Harvard Law School 08)

References:

http://www.unc.edu/news/archives/apr04/udall042604.html

http://www.highbeam.com/doc/1P2-915261.html

http://abcnews.go.com/US/print?id=2912364

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2201748&forum_id=2#26533194)