How Accepting The Hook-Up Culture Is Getting 20-Somethings Nowhe
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Poast new message in this thread
Date: July 30th, 2014 12:05 PM Author: Haunting black woman volcanic crater
Don't often see a girl's take on this. Saw a 22 year old female friend post it which is encouraging. It misses the crucial element of dissatisfaction in future serious relationships due to overexposure to higher quality cock or vag though.
Hookup culture is a disease.
http://elitedaily.com/dating/hookup-culture-non-relationship-generation-getting-nowhere/664654/
How Accepting The Hook-Up Culture Is Getting 20-Somethings Nowhere
How Accepting The Hook-Up Culture Is Getting 20-Somethings Nowhere
DATING • ERICA GORDON • JUL 29, 2014 - 11:10AM
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To say that our generation is inadequate when it comes to romantic relationships would be the understatement of the year.
Instead of relationships, it’s non-relationships that we’re condoning. Participating in today’s hook-up culture is easy and fun, but is it getting our generation anywhere? What are we gaining?
The real question is, what are we missing out on? The series of hookups and non-relationships leave us feeling unfulfilled; yet, barely anyone seems willing to do anything about it.
The Non-Date and the Non-Breakup
What thwarts me the most about the hook-up culture is the excessively nonchalant attitudes we all seem to deal with when it comes to someone we’re interested in.
Many people believe that playing it cool or not caring is considered attractive, but it’s actually quite discouraging.
A man I recently met (let’s call him Dick), who I shared a mutual attraction with, would of course send me text messages that read something like, “Hey, maybe we can meet up for a bit at some point this weekend?”
It’s the “maybe” and the “at some point” that gets to me. The epidemic of passive man is upon us. Let’s use Dick’s text message as an example: An underlying fear of coming across as too eager or being rejected is likely the cause behind this ambiguity.
I guess it’s no longer the norm to have even a hint of old-fashioned flavor to your courtship. These days, instead of being presented with a cute plan and a fun date idea for a specific day of the week, women are getting proposals of non-dates and casual hangouts.
A suggestion to consider would be to simply ignore texts that present nonchalant plans and proposals of non-dates, and suggest that he come up with an actual date idea.
It doesn’t matter if he figures out where he’s going wrong or not; the point is that you’re still making a difference by not participating or enabling, and by having a backbone.
Any man who sends me a text along the lines of, “Hey, Erica, would you like to go out for dinner on Friday night?” gets an automatic 10,000 points, especially if he asks at least a few days in advance.
More men should be asking women out with definitive plans in mind, instead of asking if they’d like to “maybe” hang out “sometime soon.”
You, however, have some control over the matter by being confident enough to not participate in the hook-up culture he is trying to set up here. Walk away from the hook-up arrangement, and you will walk into the arms of Mr. or Mrs. Right.
Traditional Dating is Dying Out
This generation needs to start dating again. I talk to women all the time who are losing hope that they’ll ever find a man who is actually willing to delete his Tinder account and just be with one awesome woman.
What these women need to realize is that traditional dating is dying, but it’s not dead yet. There are still men out there who do have the balls to take a risk or make a sacrifice for a special someone.
The hook-up culture is appealing in part because it is so low-risk. Keeping things casual ensures that you face much less rejection than you would if you were attempting to take it to the next level.
The casual nature of the hook-up culture and the non-relationship also guarantees that there won’t be that tearful breakup if things don’t work out.
Sometimes a friends-with-benefits relationship will continue for ages, partially because one or both parties is concerned that if it is taken further, there could potentially be a breakup followed by losing that person for good. It seems easier to keep things as they are.
Everyone seems to have a lot of options (especially if they are using online dating apps like Plenty of Fish or Tinder), and many have a fear of missing out (FOMO) on those options if they commit to one person.
To these people, I suggest taking a chance and giving up your other options. No risk, no reward, right?
We should also be willing to risk feeling that embarrassment and awkwardness you’re dealt when you lay your feelings on the line and you’re rejected.
Remember: No pain, no gain, and what you can gain is a real relationship with true intimacy, and the sense of happiness and fulfillment that comes with it. These tremendous gains will be worth the wager you took to get there.
A Communication Breakdown
It’s fair to state that humans are complicated beings with complicated thoughts. Unfortunately, today’s communication formats don’t allow complicated thoughts to present themselves appropriately.
Since all we’re doing is texting each other all the time, we’re used to communicating in a brief, simple and casual way. We need to bring back the phone call.
For communicating in between get-togethers, a phone conversation allows for thoughts and words to flow more effectively. Conversations don’t flow the same way via text, and it’s harder to truly get to know each other and for relationships to blossom.
One of the biggest benefits of properly communicating is that you’re getting rid of that awful feeling of uncertainty you have when you’re not sure where you stand with someone you like.
Unfortunately, we are often unsuccessful at the open type of communication. We have been conditioned to play games and play it cool instead of being open and honest.
We think that showing we care or verbalizing how we genuinely feel can lead to losing the person we’re interested in.
Whoever cares less wins… or so we think.
Plenty of Options and Plenty of Hookups, But Still Lonely
It’s rare for a woman of our generation to meet a man who treats her like a priority instead of an option. Some of the loneliest, most unhappy people I know, have a ton of options and have no problem finding someone to spend the night with.
However, they’re lonely because they don’t have anyone they let themselves care enough about to develop a true connection with.
Even the sex feels empty. The only real way to have amazing sex is to have it with someone you share true intimacy and feel totally at ease with. Is there any real intimacy in the hook-up culture?
How much are you even enjoying these hookups?
Hooking Up Ultimately Leads to Heartbreak
Many women tend to think the guy they’re hooking up with might fall for them. This is something they secretly hope will happen, and they convince themselves that a series of hookups with the same guy will ultimately lead to him wanting something more.
This lingering hope causes women to reluctantly participate in the hook-up culture, in hopes that he will wake up one day and realize it’s been her the whole time.
It reminds me of some Taylor Swift song — and accordingly, it’s a common enough problem that I’ve seen several women crushed when this dream dies.
A Post-Dating World
There was a time when being in a relationship seemed easier to accomplish. Perhaps this was during a time when online dating was less prevalent and people had less options getting in the way of commitment.
This was a time when more people gave it their all, and actually openly communicated their feelings with each other. Now we think we might like to be exclusive with someone we think is special, but we don’t dare say it out loud.
You can be a willing participant in the hook-up culture, but what happens when one day you decide you want to be in a relationship?
To the men out there: It’s worth sacrificing other options for a special lady, and please bring back the traditional date. You will score major brownie points with women.
As for the women out there: Let’s drop the delusion that a series of hookups will hook a boyfriend, and instead hold off on sex until a commitment has been made.
Let’s find fulfillment by taking some risks, harboring self-discipline and laying our hearts on the line the good, old-fashioned way. You’ll be a better person for it, and maybe even grow up a little along the way.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2631967&forum_id=2#26028546) |
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Date: July 30th, 2014 12:38 PM Author: snowy 180 lay
In 2004, historian Thomas Frank wrote a book titled What's the Matter with Kansas? Politically, the book leans left. But its central inquiry is apolitical: Why do Americans so often vote against their own interest? Why, for example, would an unemployed person support a presidential candidate who wants to reduce welfare? It's a complicated, multilayered paradox (and Frank's book is appropriately nuanced). But such a question can also be answered simply: Voters don't know who they are. They don't view themselves objectively, because no person can. Instead, they see themselves as a self-generated projection of who they could be, striving for whatever best-case scenario they consider plausible. The contradiction between what they think and how they feel does not pose a problem; as far as they can tell, no contradiction exists. That's the matter – that's the problem – with Kansas. It's also my problem, and I'm not even registered to vote.
I reside in perpetual Topeka.
http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/kanye-and-lebron-preview-chuck-klostermans-i-wear-the-black-hat-20140616
same shit goes on with dating
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2631967&forum_id=2#26028731) |
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Date: July 30th, 2014 12:40 PM Author: smoky newt
Studies show most people - MALE AND FEMALE -- assume they're above average. Thus, most people by definition can't assess themselves clearly, and it's unrealistic to believe women should need to do this more often than men. Plus, there's the whole issue of women thinking differently than men. They assume guys might be assessing them as a total person (looks, intellect, personality, etc.) and not just appearance.
Nope, the easiest things is to just be honest about what you're after. Otherwise, you're basically lying/manipulating girls to get sex from them, since you know most want something more than just fucking and believe you do, too. Few girls will fuck a guy they believe is out to just P&D them, so operating honestly is the best possible soliution.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2631967&forum_id=2#26028742) |
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Date: July 30th, 2014 12:45 PM Author: Coral outnumbered roommate menage
>> Studies show most people - MALE AND FEMALE -- assume they're above average. Thus, most people by definition can't assess themselves clearly, and it's unrealistic to believe women should need to do this more often than men. <<
Except the difference is that women can sleep up WAY easier than men can sleep or date up, which helps justify a woman's inflated view of herself.
It's not like most guys are swimming in NSA sex with 8s but then find themselves unable to lock down a 6+.
That's why guys will often say of a girl, I'd fuck her but I wouldn't date her. We will go down to have sex. Women can do the opposite.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2631967&forum_id=2#26028766) |
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Date: July 30th, 2014 1:12 PM Author: Boyish Useless Travel Guidebook Coldplay Fan
It has nothing to do with looks. Dumb Thought Catalog chicks like this author have nothing to offer a man but sex. They don't do housework, aren't supportive, have no depth, are self-involved, don't do anything interesting, aren't maternal.
Why would you sacrifice so much of your life to support a person like that and eventually raise a family with them? You wouldn't.
Honestly I find most average-ish girls are better "wife material" than hot ones. Hot girls are extremely selfish most of the time.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2631967&forum_id=2#26028880) |
Date: July 30th, 2014 12:35 PM Author: lilac arousing internal respiration filthpig
That is a booty call text. He didn't ask you out on a specific date because he doesn't want to go on a date. If you didn't arrange to meet and fuck him upon receiving such texts, you would stop getting them.
You can also ask him to do something. Maybe buy him dinner at a nice restaurant and court him. We're equals, right?
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2631967&forum_id=2#26028710) |
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Date: July 30th, 2014 4:34 PM Author: Swashbuckling indian lodge
I admit I haven't been in the dating game a long time, but I would get bored very quickly if I thought a girl was making me wait a certain number of dates. I'm too old and busy for that sortof bullshit. Also, unfortunately in this day and age there are many girls (e.g., bluesmoke) who are looking for free drinks / dinner and have no intention of taking things to the next level.
I quite honestly would never do a P&D on purpose (because it seems like a waste of my time) but would lose interest very quickly if I thought I was being taken for a ride by a bluesmoke type. If a girl could really convince me that she is NOT just in search of a free ride, that might be OK, but she would definitely be taking a risk by playing the waiting game that I would get bored or distracted. Some would say "HE'S NOT REALLY INTO YOU IF HE IS GOING TO GET DISTRACTED" but maybe its just he is unemployed or has a lot of spare time to spare or is otherwise undesirable. You definitely may be sorting out the creeps, but you might also be sorting out the serious but busy guys with little patience or time to spare. Sex adds a seriousness to the relationship and sometimes its better to get that going sooner rather than later. It also shows the guy you aren't going to waste his time.
Despite all the press to the contrary, my guess is that a high percentage of successful long term relationships these days progressed to sex very quickly. And I have literally never met a guy who "thought lesser of" a woman for having sex with him quickly in a dating context (which does not include fucking some guy from a bar you barely know). Most men think they are god's gift and totally expect the girl to fall for him quickly (and I'd recommend to any women that you try to make the guy think that is the case even if it isn't true).
TLDR; there's a balance you need to strike and fixed rules are stupid
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2631967&forum_id=2#26029980) |
Date: July 30th, 2014 12:45 PM Author: Bespoke becky old irish cottage
Feminist hypocrisy aside (she's a feminist who needs a man to "win her over" like some 15th century maiden), the fact is that women are equally likely to be as scared if you're *too* pushy. If some guy is like hey let's do THIS at THIS time on THIS day, chicks these days are all about how they are sooooooooooooo busy and they have sooooooooooo much to do at their soooooooooo important job and in between yoga and traveling maybe I can date a guy.
So when you text her hey want to get a beer at this new place by the lake on saturday afternoon, she is like "omg why is this guy being so pushy about it."
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2631967&forum_id=2#26028771) |
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Date: July 30th, 2014 2:35 PM Author: garnet hyperventilating corner son of senegal
Pretty much exactly what you describe just happened to me. I set up a first date for the next day with a girl, she texts at 6 pm the day of saying she doesn't have her car and doesn't know what to do, so I pick her up, date goes well, she suggests hanging out again.
The next week we set up a date (or so I think) for saturday a few days in advance. She sounds excited, but then I don't hear from her when I suggest where and when to meet. She texts that Friday afternoon saying she's been super busy at work and is broke b/c she just switched jobs and asks if we can postpone until she gets paid. I'm like fine, then she says how about next week unless she's still broke. So then I offer to buy her a couple drinks one night this week and haven't heard back from her since.
WTF. Girls supposedly want a gentleman or a guy who will at least make plans, but then seemingly flake out on anything scheduled in advance. FWIW this girl is 24.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2631967&forum_id=2#26029381) |
Date: July 30th, 2014 2:03 PM Author: soul-stirring blue brunch
Monogamy very rarely works out. It really should not be the default, it should be seen for the rare exception that it is.
People need to be far less presumptuous about what the object of their attraction actually wants, and, ya know, maybe ask them before trying to tie them down against their will.
The marriage-track dating pool is only a smallish subset of the dating pool. It's like a small hot tub within the pool. It's nice, but most people want to swim around for a while before they sit down and relax.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2631967&forum_id=2#26029195) |
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Date: July 30th, 2014 2:36 PM Author: soul-stirring blue brunch
I'm well aware of how xo sees this issue. It does vary by poasters.
It's just fascinating how many people are gunning for monogamous relationships before they even want them, and well before they're in any sense ready for them.
If you're looking for a gf in a bar, you're doing it wrong. People who frequent bars looking for a mate are walking red flags.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2631967&forum_id=2#26029385) |
Date: July 30th, 2014 3:49 PM Author: Khaki Jew
Text messaging has really changed relationship culture, both sexual and friendship.
In the past, it would be necessary to arrange to do something at a particular time and place, and breaking that commitment could be difficult. You had to make a phone call and hope the person picked up, or at a minimum would hear your voice mail canceling plans. Standing someone up was a big social no-no worthy of scorn.
Nowadays, making definite plans is only a commitment until something better rolls along, and you can simply text the person day of that you won't be able to make it. There is less of an incentive to make actual definite plans, because improvisation is always possible. This has pervaded into dating life.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2631967&forum_id=2#26029787) |
Date: July 30th, 2014 5:47 PM Author: racy infuriating dilemma
it's funny that the broad cultural and XO cliche remains that women are very emotionally and socially astute and intuitively understand men, and we are the frothing idiots in the equation.
then you read the author from the OP and julia's comments in this thread. these are two people have ostensibly spent some substantial time contemplating these things and have strong opinions on them, and yet they are completely fucking oblivious to many of the basic realities of dating and relationship dynamics. pretty fucking funny overall.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2631967&forum_id=2#26030362) |
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