To those external foes of this great bort gazing upon the bloody condiment spectacle of our years, know that the rifts which divide us are transient; that our unity as brothers is enduring; and that our greatbort shall exist eternal upon the hallowed pages of history's tome. I would bid you pay respect to the holy ground of this Hidden Valley. But in a greater sense we cannot ourselves consecrate this graveyard land, for the task has already been taken by the courageous sacrifice of those Salad Day brothers who have fallen in this great conflict of Dressing.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2905701&forum_id=2#28096253)

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0fLtZNVoKvK

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2905701&forum_id=2#28118639)

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2905701&forum_id=2#31567474)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2905701&forum_id=2#28096162)

June 29

My Dear Mother and Father,

We have arrived on the outskirts of the Hidden Valley in great force of arms to prepare for the coming battle. I am in high spirits and good faith. We are amply supplied with ranch--four dollops to a man each day. The weather is fair; at night I sleep beneath the wide sky of stars, the crickets and frogs the chorus to our slumber.

This morning, General Wishbone addressed us and spoke eloquently on the cause for which we wage war. I tell you, to a man, we found inspiration in his words. Though I miss you dearly, know that I fight now for something greater than my own life: the integrity of this nation in its salad bars and seasoned wings, its carrot strips and crispy pickles, and the God-given right of men everywhere to accompany their meals with whatsoever condiment they may desire.

I do not know when I will next write--rumors of impending action run through the camp. But know that I love you both dearly. Tell Sarah that I keep her in my heart. And if you speak to Charlie, let him know, his foolish politics aside, he remains forever my brother in this life and the next.

Your son,

Willy

////////////////////

ARCHIVE RECORD

University of Virginia -- The Henson Dressing War Library

x84747.981.08 -- Preservation Copy

Major William Goldsborough

1st Kraft Regiment -- Maryland Dippers

June 29, 1863 A.D.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2905701&forum_id=2#28105414)

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0lAJfy1VOMs

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2905701&forum_id=2#28119136)

lol no, you're right but this is not one of them though

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2905701&forum_id=2#28096377)

*ritual performed wrong*

*circle explodes; dust and smoke slowly clear from the floor, revealing a monstrosity with penises for arms and anuses spaced evenly over its body*

*it suddenly jolts to life, anuseyes squinting, fixating on your silhouette*

"MY LIFE FOR THE BORT" it yelps, as poo pellets bounce out of its anusmouth

*night crew throws torch to you, monster frightened by the lights scurries into the bushes*

*bort populace now lives in fear from shitpoasting homo vampire attacks, night crew contingent afraid to poast at night*

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2905701&forum_id=2#28122554)

Sent from my Iridium

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2905701&forum_id=2#28122806)