CharlesXII, rating poasters as stupid aspects of the Star Wars Expanded Universe
| Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | Jet-lagged Wine Brunch Background Story | 11/08/18 | | drab fluffy degenerate | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | drab fluffy degenerate | 12/30/15 | | Big seedy institution | 12/31/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/31/15 | | Big seedy institution | 12/31/15 | | heady theatre | 12/31/15 | | Exhilarant amber yarmulke | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | startled new version | 12/30/15 | | Mischievous exciting address | 12/30/15 | | Black National Shitlib | 07/11/17 | | charcoal electric furnace | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | charcoal electric furnace | 12/30/15 | | lavender cracking forum | 12/28/17 | | mahogany water buffalo base | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | startled new version | 12/30/15 | | pink kink-friendly home foreskin | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | pink kink-friendly home foreskin | 12/30/15 | | Adulterous hall giraffe | 12/28/17 | | Swashbuckling becky site | 11/25/18 | | Mischievous exciting address | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | massive nubile genital piercing | 12/30/15 | | up-to-no-good diverse dysfunction marketing idea | 12/30/15 | | pearl frisky step-uncle's house kitty | 12/30/15 | | Motley scarlet trailer park jap | 12/30/15 | | up-to-no-good diverse dysfunction marketing idea | 12/30/15 | | Adulterous hall giraffe | 12/28/17 | | Arousing rehab french chef | 12/30/15 | | Mischievous exciting address | 12/31/15 | | Big seedy institution | 12/31/15 | | Embarrassed to the bone theater | 12/31/15 | | Haunting dragon ticket booth | 11/25/18 | | Passionate duck-like scourge upon the earth | 12/31/15 | | Swashbuckling becky site | 11/25/18 | | Tan Supple Puppy Volcanic Crater | 04/13/22 | | startled new version | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | wonderful out-of-control senate ceo | 12/30/15 | | Adulterous hall giraffe | 12/28/17 | | yellow cuck | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | yellow cuck | 12/30/15 | | Trip Candlestick Maker Mother | 12/31/15 | | odious temple | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | odious temple | 12/30/15 | | Disgusting mind-boggling abode | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | heady theatre | 12/30/15 | | awkward grizzly cuckold | 12/30/15 | | Mauve trump supporter | 01/03/16 | | razzle state | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | startled new version | 12/30/15 | | canary bisexual hissy fit | 12/30/15 | | Adulterous hall giraffe | 12/28/17 | | Indecent church famous landscape painting | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | stimulating opaque trust fund | 12/30/15 | | Indecent church famous landscape painting | 12/30/15 | | Adulterous hall giraffe | 12/28/17 | | awkward grizzly cuckold | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | awkward grizzly cuckold | 12/30/15 | | Misunderstood cowardly macaca nowag | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | Indecent church famous landscape painting | 12/30/15 | | canary bisexual hissy fit | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | canary bisexual hissy fit | 12/30/15 | | Cerise casino | 12/31/15 | | Cerise casino | 01/03/16 | | Misunderstood cowardly macaca nowag | 12/30/15 | | Chestnut Library Place Of Business | 12/17/16 | | Razzle-dazzle Office | 07/18/23 | | glittery slimy whorehouse | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | heady theatre | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | stimulating opaque trust fund | 12/30/15 | | Mauve trump supporter | 01/03/16 | | irradiated big-titted principal's office | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | irradiated big-titted principal's office | 12/30/15 | | up-to-no-good diverse dysfunction marketing idea | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | up-to-no-good diverse dysfunction marketing idea | 12/30/15 | | Motley scarlet trailer park jap | 12/30/15 | | elite piazza pistol | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | Shimmering harsh hospital tank | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | Henna locus | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | dull digit ratio menage | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | dull digit ratio menage | 12/30/15 | | pearl frisky step-uncle's house kitty | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | pearl frisky step-uncle's house kitty | 12/30/15 | | canary bisexual hissy fit | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | canary bisexual hissy fit | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | 180 brass twinkling uncleanness spot | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | dull digit ratio menage | 12/30/15 | | excitant area boiling water | 07/11/17 | | jet talented stead coldplay fan | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | jet talented stead coldplay fan | 12/30/15 | | up-to-no-good diverse dysfunction marketing idea | 12/31/15 | | Sick doobsian liquid oxygen preventive strike | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | Disgusting mind-boggling abode | 12/30/15 | | Sick doobsian liquid oxygen preventive strike | 12/30/15 | | pearl frisky step-uncle's house kitty | 12/30/15 | | Shimmering harsh hospital tank | 12/30/15 | | startled new version | 12/30/15 | | Indecent church famous landscape painting | 12/30/15 | | tantric field | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | Citrine skinny woman regret | 12/30/15 | | tantric field | 12/31/15 | | fantasy-prone dopamine school | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | Motley scarlet trailer park jap | 12/31/15 | | burgundy station | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | canary bisexual hissy fit | 12/31/15 | | Cerise casino | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/31/15 | | multi-colored den | 12/31/15 | | Cerise casino | 12/31/15 | | pearl frisky step-uncle's house kitty | 12/31/15 | | cordovan federal lay filthpig | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/31/15 | | Adventurous associate | 12/31/15 | | Primrose Magical Double Fault | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/31/15 | | mentally impaired round eye rigor | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | mentally impaired round eye rigor | 12/30/15 | | Sick doobsian liquid oxygen preventive strike | 12/30/15 | | Maroon Slap-happy Theater Stage Codepig | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/30/15 | | Maroon Slap-happy Theater Stage Codepig | 12/30/15 | | canary bisexual hissy fit | 12/30/15 | | pearl frisky step-uncle's house kitty | 12/30/15 | | Maroon Slap-happy Theater Stage Codepig | 12/30/15 | | Sick doobsian liquid oxygen preventive strike | 12/31/15 | | cordovan federal lay filthpig | 12/30/15 | | Shaky goal in life | 07/11/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 07/11/17 | | Embarrassed to the bone theater | 12/30/15 | | Adventurous associate | 12/30/15 | | heady theatre | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/31/15 | | Shimmering harsh hospital tank | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/31/15 | | Shimmering harsh hospital tank | 12/31/15 | | Aggressive topaz cuckoldry | 12/30/15 | | pearl frisky step-uncle's house kitty | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/31/15 | | Razzmatazz Silver Messiness | 12/30/15 | | Embarrassed to the bone theater | 12/30/15 | | Razzmatazz Silver Messiness | 12/30/15 | | Embarrassed to the bone theater | 12/30/15 | | Balding range | 12/31/15 | | Embarrassed to the bone theater | 12/31/15 | | Balding range | 12/31/15 | | Embarrassed to the bone theater | 12/31/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/31/15 | | Razzmatazz Silver Messiness | 12/31/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/31/15 | | Stirring disrespectful tanning salon | 12/30/15 | | Stubborn Flushed Parlor | 12/30/15 | | pearl frisky step-uncle's house kitty | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/31/15 | | canary bisexual hissy fit | 12/31/15 | | Carnelian business firm | 12/31/15 | | Stubborn Flushed Parlor | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/31/15 | | Stubborn Flushed Parlor | 01/03/16 | | At-the-ready Flirting Pisswyrm Location | 12/30/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/31/15 | | sienna floppy set gay wizard | 12/31/15 | | canary bisexual hissy fit | 12/31/15 | | Adventurous associate | 12/31/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/31/15 | | Motley scarlet trailer park jap | 01/01/16 | | Hairraiser church building | 01/02/16 | | lime galvanic nursing home therapy | 12/31/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 01/01/16 | | Aphrodisiac Mewling Indian Lodge Immigrant | 12/31/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 01/01/16 | | indigo gas station | 12/31/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 01/01/16 | | indigo gas station | 12/31/15 | | Hairraiser church building | 01/01/16 | | Balding range | 01/01/16 | | Hairraiser church building | 01/02/16 | | saffron vibrant jew crackhouse | 01/02/16 | | honey-headed idiot | 01/01/16 | | Hairraiser church building | 01/02/16 | | Electric Meetinghouse International Law Enforcement Agency | 01/02/16 | | Hairraiser church building | 01/02/16 | | Electric Meetinghouse International Law Enforcement Agency | 01/02/16 | | Shaky goal in life | 07/11/17 | | multi-colored den | 01/02/16 | | Hairraiser church building | 01/02/16 | | multi-colored den | 01/03/16 | | erotic main people | 11/21/17 | | bistre spectacular brethren | 01/03/16 | | Mauve trump supporter | 01/03/16 | | Hairraiser church building | 01/03/16 | | Cerise casino | 01/03/16 | | insane party of the first part really tough guy | 01/03/16 | | Hairraiser church building | 01/03/16 | | pearl frisky step-uncle's house kitty | 11/21/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 01/15/16 | | ungodly frozen kitchen | 12/16/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 07/18/16 | | massive nubile genital piercing | 12/17/16 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/17/16 | | vigorous infuriating persian | 12/17/16 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/17/16 | | multi-colored den | 12/19/16 | | startled new version | 11/21/17 | | erotic main people | 11/21/17 | | pearl frisky step-uncle's house kitty | 11/21/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/19/16 | | Hairraiser church building | 02/11/17 | | Painfully Honest Thriller Newt | 02/11/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 07/11/17 | | multi-colored den | 07/11/17 | | Poppy property | 07/11/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 07/11/17 | | Poppy property | 07/11/17 | | honey-headed idiot | 07/11/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 07/11/17 | | Fragrant plaza | 07/11/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 07/11/17 | | Sick doobsian liquid oxygen preventive strike | 07/11/17 | | multi-colored den | 11/09/17 | | jet talented stead coldplay fan | 11/09/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 11/10/17 | | fantasy-prone dopamine school | 11/10/17 | | gay black woman | 11/10/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 11/21/17 | | excitant area boiling water | 11/21/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 11/21/17 | | excitant area boiling water | 11/21/17 | | Balding range | 11/21/17 | | excitant area boiling water | 11/21/17 | | Balding range | 11/21/17 | | Trip Candlestick Maker Mother | 11/21/17 | | Charismatic crimson wagecucks | 11/21/17 | | Bateful heaven | 11/21/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 11/21/17 | | Charismatic crimson wagecucks | 11/21/17 | | Bateful heaven | 11/22/17 | | Marvelous Center | 11/21/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 11/21/17 | | Marvelous Center | 11/21/17 | | Magenta ladyboy | 11/21/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 12/14/17 | | startled new version | 12/16/17 | | purple mexican | 11/22/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 11/25/18 | | purple mexican | 11/25/18 | | abnormal garrison fanboi | 11/30/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 11/25/18 | | flickering house | 11/30/17 | | honey-headed idiot | 12/16/17 | | Hairraiser church building | 11/28/18 | | rose fat ankles pit | 12/28/17 | | racy hell | 12/28/17 | | Carmine deer antler | 11/08/18 | | Lemon Son Of Senegal Stage | 11/25/18 | | Jet-lagged Wine Brunch Background Story | 11/24/19 | | Navy kitty cat | 11/24/19 | | self-absorbed chapel | 04/13/22 |
Poast new message in this thread
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Date: December 30th, 2015 4:36 PM Author: up-to-no-good diverse dysfunction marketing idea
A MOFFERENCE was a secret conference held by the Imperial Central Committee of Grand MOFF[PiG]S in the secluded MOFFERENCE ROOM of their MOFFSHIP
I laughed so fucking hard when I read that. you can read it with at least a dozen different inflections and mental images, all equally hilarious
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29486089)
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Date: December 30th, 2015 2:08 PM Author: Hairraiser church building
I rate you as the baffling plot twist of The Third Law, one of the Marvel Star Wars comics. In this comic, Leia goes to the banking world of Aargau to get a loan for some X-Wings, but Darth Vader constantly tries to obstruct her. He's hindered by local law which bars him from using a weapon, though (and apparently he can't just bring in the Empire and boss around the planet, for some reason). Eventually he gets fed up and chops up the finance minister to stop the loan, but OH SNAP! Leia was tricking him and it's a fake finance minister and attacking him actually lets her get the loan or something.
BUT WAIT, there's more! It turns out Vader was just playing along and he actually just wanted the Crown Jewels of Alderaan, which Leia put up as collateral. Why does he want them? Well, it's not actually clear, but he manages to steal them while Leia is distracted with whatever counts as a plot in this comic.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29484978) |
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Date: December 30th, 2015 2:29 PM Author: Hairraiser church building
I rate you as the Sun Crusher, the most stupid superweapon in any work of fiction.
The Sun Crusher, thought up by well-known sci-fi dipshit Kevin J. Anderson, is a tiny one-man ship that has:
-Its own hyperdrive
-Torpedoes capable of exploding a sun, which move at basically lightspeed and are therefore unstoppable. Oh and those torpedoes also insta-destroy any ship they hit too.
-Armor so strong it can absorb the Death Star's superlaser
The ship is hijacked by Kyp Durron, who is basically the Star Wars equivalent of a school shooter and goes on a rampage blowing up Imperial systems and installations. Eventually he feels guilty and flies it into a black hole to destroy it, but survives by using the Force to wedge himself into a tiny message capsule (not flame).
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29485070)
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Date: December 30th, 2015 3:16 PM Author: dull digit ratio menage
I would prefer that you just call me Darth Bane and relate it somehow to how I got the lost Sith holocron, but I leave it in your capable hands.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29485489)
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Date: December 30th, 2015 4:51 PM Author: Hairraiser church building
Whoops, didn't mean to skip you.
I rate you as the revelation that the Solos are actually a dynasty of Corellian monarchs that Han Solo is probably descended from, which is cited by C-3PO as justification his blood is royal enough to justify marrying Princess Leia.
Later in the book C-3PO "discovers" that Solo's lineage is a fraud, but even this information may just be a fraud perpetuated by Luke to fulfill Han's wish to keep his origins obscure.
Yep, Han Solo is basically Prince Lonestar.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29486207) |
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Date: December 30th, 2015 5:54 PM Author: canary bisexual hissy fit
87928293929
you are cumming dangerously close ITT to making me hunt down the Jedi prince books you fucker
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29486665)
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Date: December 30th, 2015 6:42 PM Author: Hairraiser church building
TY friend.
I rate you as the alliance of non-human species that tried to overthrow the Republic and seize a top-secret virus the Emperor created that kills all humans it comes into contact with.
Naturally, this alliance of Wookies, Bothans, Twi'leks, and more was called the DIVERSITY ALLIANCE (not flame).
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29486937) |
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Date: December 30th, 2015 10:10 PM Author: Hairraiser church building
I rate you as Imperial Bioweapons Project I71A, which is literally just a generic zombie virus except in the Star Wars universe. The virus was created using the secrets of "Sith alchemy" by an ancient Sith lord hoping to achieve immortality, but instead he just gets turned into a zombie. A later Sith lord tries the same thing, with the improvement of trying to eat a Padawan's heart at the time of infection so the infusion of Midichlorians will let him overcome the virus and be immortal without wanting to eat brains. But she escapes and he also just becomes a normal zombie and then dies, LOL.
The virus was later revived by the Empire, though all this leads to is a Star Destroyer and an Imperial prison ship getting infected in one of the most stock zombie plots of all time.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29488552)
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Date: December 30th, 2015 10:19 PM Author: Hairraiser church building
ty friend
I rate you as Ziro the Hutt, who I guess may not even be Expanded Universe because he's actually in a frigging movie, namely the extremely awful 2008 Clone Wars movie. He's a Hutt who is also a weird gay Southern dandy stereotype:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsIALpfq8p8
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29488613) |
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Date: December 31st, 2015 12:05 AM Author: Hairraiser church building
I rate you as C-3PO's totally bizarre song to Princess Leia in The Courtship of Princess Leia, to try convincing her to marry Han over some other guy. I quote from the text directly:
"It was quiet, and Han could not quite get to sleep. Threepio walked around the room nervously and then said, 'Princess Leia, wouldyou like some relaxing music to help you sleep?'
The golden droid stood in the center of the stone room, eyes shining, head tilted to one side.
'Music?' Leia asked.
'Yes, I've written a song,' Threepio said. 'and I thought you might appreciate it if I sang it to you.' His tone said that he'd be offended if she didn't listen.
'Leia frowned, and Han rather pitied her. He'd never heard Threepio sing, but he couldn't imagine that it would be much good. 'Sure,' Leia said hesitantly, 'but maybe just the first verse.'
'Oh thank you!' Threepio said. 'I've titled my song, 'The Virtues of KING Han Solo!''
A musical intro with horns and strings began playing, and Han found himself a bit surprised. He knew that Threepio could mimic other voices, and he'd heard the droid give some nice sound effects when telling stories to the Ewoks, but he'd never heard music coming from the droid. Threepio did a rather convincing impression of a full symphony orchestra.
Then he began swirling in dance, doing a soft-shoe that scraped and echoed over the stone floors, and the droid sang in a deep voice that sounded an awful lot like Jukaas Alim, one of the galaxy's more popular singers:
He's got his own planet/Although it's kind of wild.
Wookiees love him/Women love him.
He's got a winning smile!
Though he may seem cool and cocky/He's more sensitive than he seems.
(Chorus sung in accompaniment with three women who all sound like Leia)
Han Solo,
What a man! Solo.
He's every princess's dream!"
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29489312) |
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Date: December 31st, 2015 12:23 AM Author: Hairraiser church building
I rate you as Luke falling in love with Callista Masana, a Force ghost living inside a spaceship's computer.
Amusingly, before she became a computer ghost, Ming hailed from the planet Chad.
Eventually Masana gets a real body because another female Jedi wants to commit suicide to be with her dead lover (long story), so she lets Masana occupy her body. But she ditches Luke anyway for complicated reasons and after wandering the galaxy for thirty years gets eaten by a Lovecraftian tentacle god, but that's a story for another time.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29489398) |
Date: December 30th, 2015 5:48 PM Author: Embarrassed to the bone theater
i think this is the first time i've ever submitted myself to one of these threads.
1. where are you getting these from? surely, you aren't just remembering them from being a fan?
2. for a long time i've considered reading all of the star wars books because i've heard how intricate and cool the stories are. you have completely destroyed any chance of that happening. everything you've pointed out would have pissed me off.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29486625) |
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Date: December 31st, 2015 1:06 AM Author: Hairraiser church building
Ty, glad I could entice you to participate.
1. I read a decent number of Star Wars books (maybe 10-15) while I was a kid, including several of the ones I'm ruthlessly mocking here. Other than that, I've spent a lot of time reading Wookieepedia for kicks. I also have played a lot of Star Wars games and a lot of those draw on EU material.
2. They aren't ALL garbage, but yeah, exploring Star Wars in-depth requires a high tolerance for bizarre bullshit.
Edit: Whoops, forgot to rate you!
I rate you as the fact that every random background character in the Mos Eisley cantina scene, without fail, has some preposterous backstory involving galactic intrigue to explain their presence there when Luke and Obi-Wan walk in. For instance:
-The hammerhead dude (http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/2/2c/MomawNadon.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/500?cb=20151229195251)? Oh, he was a high priest on the planet Ithor who got exiled after he revealed the secrets of their agricultural techniques (yeah) to the Emperor. Don't worry, he pops up in like ten different books and eventually is allowed back.
-That guy who picks a fight with Luke (http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/2/2e/DrEvazan.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20091205001558)? Why, That's Cornelius Evazon, some nutso surgeon who hopes to use cyborg parts to achieve immortality. That guy whose arm Obi-Wan cuts off? He was a partner to Evazon, but he gets MAF after Evazon's replacement for his arm is shitty and he pursues him across the galaxy seeking revenge.
-That weird thing that looks like Satan (http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/f/f3/Labria.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20061120112021)? Don't even get me started. He has an insanely long backstory that involves fleeing his planet after committing war crimes and having an extensive collection of rare albums.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29489557) |
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Date: December 31st, 2015 11:19 AM Author: Hairraiser church building
In light of your awesome F-Zero moniker, I rate you as Blob Racing, the primary betting sport on the gambling planet of Umgul.
It's exactly what it sounds like. Gelatinous blobs race each other through obstacle courses (like MESH screens and desiccant floors) while gamblers place bets on which blobs will triumph, making use of data such as protoplasm samples from each of the blobs.
The book Jedi Search spends a loooooot of time talking about Blob Racing.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29490769) |
Date: December 30th, 2015 7:54 PM Author: Aggressive topaz cuckoldry
180, holy shit.
is there ANYTHING in the star wars books worth reading? doesn't look like it
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29487419) |
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Date: December 31st, 2015 1:29 PM Author: Hairraiser church building
I rate you as Star Wars author Karen Traviss' bizarre obsession with the Mandalorians, the race Boba Fett belongs to.
Early EU works basically established the Mandalorians as honorable but bloodthirsty space-Spartans who clashed with the Jedi from time to time while taking advantage of lightsaber-resistant armor.
However, Karen Traviss, who has authored about ten Star Wars books, became totally obsessed with the Mandalorians and basically decided to make them all have cheat codes. She did this because she personally viewed the Jedi as some kind of Nazi Party lording it over the galaxy with their Ubermensch superpowers, and turned Mandalorians into huge Mary Sues so there could be non-superpowered people to fight them. So, she transforms them from honorable bloodthirsty space-Vikings into some Cincinnatian ideal of peaceful farmers who only fight when they have to and whose only flaw is loving their families and people too much.
Traviss also turns the Mandalorians from tough warriors into super-soldiers who can butcher Jedi head-to-head. As part of this, she makes up some canon about Boba Fett having killed more Jedi than anybody in history, even though he'd never been portrayed killing a Jedi even once and his showing in Return of the Jedi makes him look like a putz who had no idea how to handle a lightsaber.
It gets worse from there. When Han Solo's son Jacen Solo turns evil and tries to take over the galaxy (yeah it happens in the EU too), Traviss suggests the Mandalorians could easily kill him but they're just too busy being awesome and above petty conflict to do so, but they do condescend to teach Jacen's sister Jaina how to battle a Jedi, completely humiliating her in the process by showing how they're way better fighters (even though Jaina was established as one of the Galaxy's best fighters).
Oh and she also drones on and on and ON about Mandalorian society and how their planet has found a huge trove of Mandalorian iron (the stuff that blocks lightsabers) which could allow them to build a huge fleet and invincible army that could probably take over half the galaxy if they wanted to but they don't because they're just chill and awesome like that.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29491528) |
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Date: December 31st, 2015 3:25 PM Author: Razzmatazz Silver Messiness
Are you reading up on these as you go or were you a Star Wars fanboy as a child?
Nothing against you if you were – we all had (and have) our diversions. Just curious.
And apologies if you’ve answered this question already above. I can’t tell if you have – the thread is a bit of a jungle at this point.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29492523) |
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Date: December 31st, 2015 3:14 PM Author: Hairraiser church building
np man, it happens.
I rate you as the fact that Wookieepedia's page on planet-destroying superweapons has sixty-seven such weapons: http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Superweapon/Legends
Some highlights, besides the previously mentioned Galaxy Gun and Sun Crusher (which really needed their own entries):
-The orbital nightcloak, a network of hundreds of satellites that can snuff out a planet by blocking sunlight and turning it into a ball of ice.
-The World Devastators, which literally rip a planet apart to power gigantic factories inside that in turn produce droid-operated fighters and shit. Just one of fucking FOUR different planet-killing superweapons that appear in the Dark Empire series, along with the Galaxy Gun, the Eclipse-class SSD, and the Sovereign-class SSD.
-The Darksaber, a copy of the Death Star's superlaser without the rest of the station, which is built by Durga the Hutt to use as an extortion device.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29492384) |
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Date: December 31st, 2015 4:38 PM Author: Hairraiser church building
I rate you as Abeloth, the Bringer of Chaos, the main antagonist of the 9-book Fate of the Jedi series, the last major series completed before Disney nuked the Expanded Universe.
Abeloth is basically a Lovecraftian tentacle monster, created when a normal human woman seeking immortality drank from the Font of Power and bathed in the Pool of Knowledge, two water sources that doubled as fonts of Dark Side energy (which I guess is now just magic poison). The power warped her into an ageless superpowerful being of darkness, who was imprisoned for hundreds of thousands of years and then released when Jacen Solo becomes a Sith Lord.
Abeloth's powers include:
-Consuming living things and then being able to take their appearance (she does this to Luke's ex-girlfriend, most notably) while also absorbing their souls. She uses this power to get herself elected President in an attempt to achieve the destruction of all civilization in the galaxy.
-The ability to control plants
-Driving Force-sensitive people insane with "Force psychosis"
-Teleportation and telekinesis
-Possessing people, independent of the whole "eat them and steal their soul" thing
There is a scene in the books where a Sith acolyte suckles on one of Abeloth's tentacles.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29493055) |
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Date: December 31st, 2015 4:55 PM Author: Hairraiser church building
Ty friend.
I rate you as Han Solo being unable to take part in The Glove of Darth Vader because, even with the Empire still very much a threat, he's decided to retire and move to space suburbia:
“I’ve always dreamed of having a place of my own, and I figure it’s about time Chewie and I built my dream sky house.”
Yep, Han's just gonna settle down in nice domestic tranquility with Chewbacca. He even mentions Lando offering him a lease on a plot of "sky" near Cloud City.
Han's sky house ends up becoming a bit of a recurring element in the Jedi Prince series, with Han throwing a housewarming party in book 3 where he puts on an apron to make "a spicy Corellian meal on his nanowave stove." But then the sky house is never ever mentioned again in any future books even though the series was Expanded Universe canon. Poor Han, never able to enjoy his dream sky house.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29493126) |
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Date: January 1st, 2016 1:59 PM Author: Hairraiser church building
I rate you as the recurring Captain Planet-style subplots that pop up in almost all of the Jedi Prince books:
-In The Glove of Darth Vader, the characters bemoan the Empire killing "whaladons" on Mon Calamari for their tasty meat, which is only allowed to be eaten by moffs (which makes me wonder how they can kill so many; there can't be THAT many moffs).
-In The Lost City of the Jedi, the dastardly Trioculus uses his "Treaded Neutron Torches" (TNTs!) to set the Yavin rain forest on fire while searching for said Lost City.
-In Zorba the Hutt's Revenge, Lando teaches Ken all about Cloud City's nasty smog problem, which makes it hard for Leia to handle the open air of Han's sky house.
-In Mission from Mount Yoda, the climax occurs on Duro, a once-lush planet ruined by its use as a massive toxic waste dumping ground.
-In Queen of the Empire, the planet Chad is wracked by permanent severe storms because its economy revolves around Lactils, space cows that produce a ton of milk but also expel huge amounts of methane, causing CLIMATE CHANGE.
-I can't recall the one from Prophets of the Dark Side, but shit, it probably had one too.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29498397)
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Date: January 2nd, 2016 5:32 PM Author: Hairraiser church building
Those dastards.
I rate you as the Cosmic Balance religion, strongly featured in The Truce at Bakura. Cosmic Balance believes that every occurrence in the universe has an opposite reaction somewhere else, so if somebody has good luck another person elsewhere has bad luck, etc. They hate the Jedi because they believe by using awesome Force powers they are making the lives of other people shitty.
A notable "feature" of the religion is that followers have children in pairs; one of them is marked for a good life of education, prosperity, and prestige while the other is condemned to poverty and suffering in order to ensure balance.
A major reason this religion was created was so a chick on Bakura could have romantic tension with Luke (because her faith contrasts with her vaginal tingles; too real,I know). That in turn makes it pretty funny because after this book the romance is dropped entirely.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29506612) |
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Date: January 2nd, 2016 5:42 PM Author: Hairraiser church building
Yeah, I've mostly been focusing on 1. Things I actually read, and 2. Stuff that's really, REALLY stupid.
Also, while New Jedi Order and Black Fleet may not exactly be great, their quality issues mostly stem from being too dull or action-focused; they aren't exactly infested with outright stupid shit. But I'll try.
I rate you as Chewbacca dying because the wind was too strong and it blew him away from the Millennium Falcon right before a gigantic moon smashed into the planet Sernpidal.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29506681) |
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Date: January 2nd, 2016 11:48 PM Author: Hairraiser church building
I rate you as Admiral Thrawn's bizarre plan for starving Coruscant into submission with invisible asteroids.
You see, Thrawn gets 22 asteroids and straps cloaking devices onto them, then shows up outside Coruscant and fires them all off into orbit, where they fly around waiting to hit shit. But he ALSO fake-launches over 250 additional asteroids that don't exist, but you see, they're all INVISIBLE, so the Rebels don't know they exist. So, the Rebels actually easily find and destroy the 22 real ones, but they're convinced hundreds are out there waiting to smash up Coruscant, so they keep the shields up (which prevent ships from passing in or out) and are in danger of starvation.
It all would have totally worked, if not for a smuggler showing up and letting them know it's all flame.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#29508811) |
Date: July 18th, 2016 9:16 AM Author: Hairraiser church building
The Jedi of the Old Republic had a "Service Corps" for Jedi who failed their Jedi Knight trials or for regular Jedi who just didn't want to be Knights.
The largest branch of this Service Corps was AgriCorps, where Jedi would use their Force powers to be...really good farmers.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#30958801) |
Date: July 11th, 2017 3:46 PM Author: Fragrant plaza
180 thread
Have you read some of the comics as well?
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#33751536) |
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Date: November 21st, 2017 4:14 AM Author: Hairraiser church building
I rate you as the 60+ different kinds of lightsaber crystals that are described in various EU materials. Some of the dumber ones include:
Barab ingot - A lightsaber crystal that is so hot (due to "absorbing radiation") it makes the things it hits catch on fire. This is clearly some huge advantage I guess.
Allya's Redemption: Creates a lightsaber that poisons people with acid...somehow.
Rainbow gems: Silicon-based lifeforms that can also make lightsabers in a pinch. Also used as jewelry that is apparently so valuable a tiara of rainbow gems is "worth the price of an entire solar system."
Ghostfire crystals: Produce an almost-invisible colorless lightsaber that makes no sound. Spooky stealth lightsaber!
Stygium crystals: Instead of just making the lightsaber invisible, these crystals make the wielder invisible.
Dahgee crystals: Create lightsabers with zig-zag blade patterns.
Kaiburr crystals: Give Wolverine-style rapid-healing powers.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#34737550) |
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Date: November 28th, 2018 11:28 AM Author: Hairraiser church building
I rate you as Melvin Fett, Boba Fett's embarrassing incompetent cousin.
http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Melvin_Fett
Despite also being a Mandalorian bounty hunter, Melvin Fett is embarrassingly incompetent. He accepts a bounty on Senator Jar-Jar Binks to boost his reputation, but is unprepared to find him on Tattooine's harsh climate, as he thought he was going to a "dessert planet." Later, Melvin mistakenly captures a Jar-Jar commemorative sofa cup, believing it to be the senator himself.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3083098&forum_id=2#37314278) |
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