Three days ago, I was excited to see many of my online commentary comrades launch a bold new initiative called “We Are the Left” with a blistering, thinkfluential manifesto titled “An Open Letter on Identity Politics, to and from the Left.” The open letter was a rousing call-to-arms against so-called “progressives” who substantively oppose racism, sexism, homophobia, and other forms of bigotry, yet invent transparently-phony conspiracy theories like “class analysis” or “American imperialism” to undermine and distract from these important issues. We Are The Left was also fearless in calling out people being mean online- a phenomenon engineered and directed by these selfsame crypto-bigot fake progressives. Unfortunately, the response from the foul dudebro quarters has been predictably dangerous and unacceptable.

Something has to change. It is time for a new movement- a movement that centers empirically-correct progressive goals rather than vulgar, biased, conspiracy theories about dudebro boogeymen like “capitalism” and “the military-industrial complex;” and more importantly, a movement that excludes various forms of dudebros, harassers, and anime-themed communist blog hackers. I would humbly suggest this movement be called Whitingtonism in acknowledgment of the emotional labor I put into this project, but I am open to suggestions. Whatever we call it, here are five tenets I think we few good people can all agree on:

Ignorant white dudebros are not welcome. Before we take this too far, it must be acknowledged that not all people our bigoted society labels “white men” actually fit the description- I, for instance, am a PoC (half Frisian) and queer (in a non-reciprocal open relationship with a cis woman- deal with it). However, we must acknowledge that most white men are either Berniebro frat boys or violent gun-toting rednecks, and that many people who appear to be non-white, non-male, or LGBTQ are, in fact, white male sock-puppets. In other words, one need not be a literal white dude to be a white dude. Just because literal and figurative white men are the vast majority of the population doesn’t mean we can’t build a viable political movement without them- it is not our job to educate anyone.

No mercy for people who are mean online. Online rudeness is an epidemic, and much like the smallpox epidemic at the Siege of Fort Pitt, it is orchestrated by white dudebros to kill PoC. Stalking, doxxing, targeted harassment, and hacking a person’s Medium account to post Bolshevik slogans that could scare off potential investors to the blog owner’s app are all unacceptable behavior, no exceptions. We must not be afraid to combat people who engage in them with the most powerful weapons in the arsenal of the online politics warrior- stalking, doxxing, and targeted harassment. Yes, I unreservedly condemn this type of conduct, but sometimes the only way to stop unacceptable behavior is with unacceptable behavior- this is the paradox of online politics.

Embrace capitalism. We acknowledge capitalism has some bad aspects: exploitation, amoral ruthlessness, etc., but where would woke PoC superstars like Kanye West or Beyoncé be without it? And why condemn capitalism now, just when the tech industry and globalization are disrupting many of these bad aspects and replacing the old, dudebro capitalism of the last century with a new, intersectional capitalism for the 21st? Maybe instead of whitely denouncing capitalism, the left should take a look at capitalist phenomenons like #GiveYourMoneyToWomen, anti-g*mergate Patreons, and woke Spotify playlists that have done more to help vulnerable people than any bro-ridden, old-economy labor union.

Refuse to be distracted by foreign policy. The idea that American military and intelligence operations abroad are important is a delusion, and the only reasons a person could fall for it are that they don’t care about PoC, women, and LGBTQ people here in America, or they’re mad because the president is black. Criticism, or even discussion, of American foreign policy plays into the hands of the brocialists, and we must steadfastly refuse to do their work for them.

Hijacking a person’s Medium blog to broadcast communist propaganda is a vile act of abuse that could jeopardize a promising career in tech/thinkfluencing. Medium hackers are moral monsters- we condemn them in the strongest terms. We resolve to put this scum in prison. [Several potential signatories of this document asked that this section be shortened, removed, or edited for obscenity. I will leave the heading and this note until the controversy is resolved.]

I envision people of goodwill across the internet uniting around these five simple tenets and building a movement capable of purging the online discoursesphere of naughty behavior and dudebroism. Whitingtonist greetings to all my new comrades, and best of luck in the coming struggle.

CORRECTION 1: A section that labeled abusive Twitter users @Trumpbannfuhrer, @HimmlerPiss420, and @BuchenwaldPepe “prominent socialist bloggers affiliated with the Bernie Sanders campaign” has been removed pending a closer examination of their ideology/affiliations.

CORRECTION 2: I apologize to anyone who tried to view the earlier version of this document yesterday when it included transphobic language and disparaging comments about the racial characteristics of Slavic peoples. I think I was probably hacked by @AnimeYezhov again, so don’t blame me. (to @AnimeYezhov, if you’re reading: get this through your thick Russian brainpain- you are only digging your own grave deeper, you subhuman trash.)

FINAL NOTE TO THE TRAITORS IN OUR MIDST: I see several supposedly-good people who I’ve interacted with on Twitter have already betrayed me by disagreeing with parts of this manifesto. Present me with a signed, notarized confession and submit yourself to a struggle session by August 1, or you will be blocked, reported, and adjudicated a white dude.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3297952&forum_id=2#31010308)