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Working on Black Friday is boring. Rating posters as Roman/Byzantine emperors

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Bistre brunch
  11/24/17
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Aphrodisiac Piazza
  11/24/17
I rate you as Septimius Severus. The Roman Emperor enjoye...
Bistre brunch
  11/24/17
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mahogany exhilarant space
  11/24/17
I rate you as Manuel I Komnenos, Byzantine Emperor in the 12...
Bistre brunch
  11/24/17
Byzantine Dream 4ever
mahogany exhilarant space
  11/24/17
how do i break into journalism? like, freelance science jour...
bateful rose roast beef hell
  11/24/17
Since I got in right out of college, I'm not really an exper...
Bistre brunch
  11/24/17
komnenoi plz
jet-lagged filthpig
  11/24/17
Well, if you insist... I rate you as Andronikos I Komneno...
Bistre brunch
  11/24/17
BAM! The Massacre of the Latins doesn't happen, or is quelle...
Pale abode
  11/24/17
...
Blue menage brethren
  11/24/17
I rate you as the emperor Aurelian, the greatest of the empe...
Bistre brunch
  11/24/17
me pls
Glittery Know-it-all Home
  11/24/17
I rate you as the Empress Pulcheria, the first Byzantine emp...
Bistre brunch
  11/24/17
1800000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
Glittery Know-it-all Home
  11/24/17
...
Wine disgusting den
  11/24/17
Hmmm...you're a big fan of anime and are an expert on kooky ...
Bistre brunch
  11/24/17
...
soul-stirring hunting ground
  11/24/17
I rate you as Trajan Decius, the first Roman Emperor to die ...
Bistre brunch
  11/24/17
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razzle turdskin
  11/24/17
I rate you as Otho, who overthrew his patron Galba as empero...
Bistre brunch
  11/24/17
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kink-friendly seedy partner yarmulke
  11/24/17
I rate you as Justinian II, the "Slit-Nosed." J...
Bistre brunch
  11/24/17
Holy fuck 180000000
kink-friendly seedy partner yarmulke
  11/24/17
Thoughts on Anna Komnena and Bohemund? Anything going on the...
Comical stage
  11/24/17
She definitely thought he was a mega-hunk, but that's almost...
Bistre brunch
  11/24/17
GO
Walnut bbw
  11/24/17
I rate you as Basil the Bulgar-Slayer. Like many top empe...
Bistre brunch
  11/24/17
VERY 180 brother
Walnut bbw
  11/26/17
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anal resort doctorate
  11/24/17
I rate you as Probus, an underappreciated emperor who bridge...
Bistre brunch
  11/27/17
I used to work at best buy corporate. I miss the days of w...
hairraiser mildly autistic lay
  11/24/17
I rate you as Lucius Verus, the oft-forgotten co-emperor to ...
Bistre brunch
  11/27/17
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Tan university gunner
  11/24/17
I rate you as Isaac I Komnenos, who is the most likely candi...
Bistre brunch
  11/27/17
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self-absorbed regret party of the first part
  11/24/17
I rate you as Leo III, the Isaurian. Leo III rose in the ...
Bistre brunch
  11/27/17
180
self-absorbed regret party of the first part
  11/28/17
c'mon heliogabalus
irate fortuitous meteor public bath
  11/24/17
Close! I rate you as Caracalla, the son and successor of Sep...
Bistre brunch
  11/27/17
...
Glittery Know-it-all Home
  12/28/17
Sup, Citizen?
Flickering house goal in life
  11/24/17
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Trip hissy fit mad cow disease
  11/24/17
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Floppy Sticky Marketing Idea
  11/24/17
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motley orchestra pit
  11/24/17
...
indecent round eye hominid
  11/26/17
180 thread
Glittery Know-it-all Home
  12/28/17
moar ratings plz charles
Glittery Know-it-all Home
  12/30/17
...
Sadistic Greedy Parlour Ape
  12/30/17
...
180 Field
  12/30/17
Yo
green startled hall
  09/24/18


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Date: November 24th, 2017 2:25 PM
Author: Bistre brunch



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34762738)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 2:25 PM
Author: Aphrodisiac Piazza



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34762741)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 2:55 PM
Author: Bistre brunch

I rate you as Septimius Severus.

The Roman Emperor enjoyed a very good run from Vespasian through Marcus Aurelius (even Domitian wasn't that horrible if you weren't a senator), but went south in a bad way once Aurelius passed the empire to his son Commodus. Commodus suffered from megalomania and was eventually strangled by a wrestler in the baths (heh).

Rome then went through a period of nasty disorder. Pertinax tried to restore order to the Praetorian Guard, but was murdered after failing to supply an expected monetary donativum. The office of emperor was then auctioned off by the Guard to Didius Julianus, who was allegedly pressured into bidding by his shrew wife. Not good.

Enter Septimius Severus. Born in Africa and of mixed Italian and Punic heritage, Severus ascended the ranks of the Roman military, and was eventually given command of Pannonia, a critical border province with a large army. Following the murder of the well-liked Pertinax, Severus got pretty irate, had himself declared emperor, and marched into Italy. Didius was killed before he even showed up, but Severus also had Pertinax's killers whacked and took the bonus step of disbanding the old Praetorian Guard, which had repeatedly caused problems for the emperor. Severus then defeated and killed two other generals who had tried to claim the imperial title in the wake of Pertinax's assassination.

Severus is notable as the last undisputed emperor for about a century who didn't die in captivity or by violence. A capable soldier, he fought campaigns from Britain to Africa to Parthia, generally solidifying and occasionally expanding the Empire's frontiers. In an effort to stop a repeat of his path to the purple, Severus reformed the Praetorian Guard as a massive army that traveled with the Emperor, essentially ensuring that the Emperor always had the largest army in the empire under his personal control.

However, these military efforts came at a cost, as he expanded the armed forces, increased soldier pay, and debased the currency to pay for it all. Severus also spent almost no time in Rome itself, preferring to stay out on campaign where he was most needed. These shifts played a marked role in Rome's transformation into what was, essentially, an unstable military dictatorship throughout the 3rd century AD. Also, much like Aurelius, Severus made a major mistake by allowing his sons to inherit from him, even though 1. They both hated each other, making conflict inevitable, and 2. Caracalla in particular was an unstable lunatic asshole.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34762913)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 2:27 PM
Author: mahogany exhilarant space



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34762748)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 3:20 PM
Author: Bistre brunch

I rate you as Manuel I Komnenos, Byzantine Emperor in the 12th century.

Manuel I was the fourth son of John II, but was appointed his successor due to his superior ability even though he had an older brother still alive. Through decisive action, Manuel managed to not only take the throne, but also put aside his brother Isaac without having to murder, blind, castrate, or exile him.

Manuel's reign included the last real apex of Byzantine fortunes, as he campaigned hard on the fringes of the empire to restore territories lost to Islam or marauding Frankish knights. Manuel reclaimed Antioch for the empire, retook chunks of Anatolia from the Turks, and beat the shit out of the Kingdom of Sicily in an extended campaign.

With a little more good fortune, Manuel might have joined the ranks of the greatest Byzantine emperors and set the empire on the path to long-term survival. But the tail end of his reign included three major setbacks that instead marked him as the starting point for Byzantium's final, terminal decline. A major effort at reuniting the Western and Eastern churches failed (likely contributing to the successful attack on Constantinople in 1204), an invasion of Egypt in 1169 was similarly a costly failure, and most infamously, the Byzantines suffered a major defeat against the Turks at Myriokephalon in 1176. While the severity of the defeat is often overstated, a strong victory might have led to major gains in Anatolia and a permanent revitalization of the empire. Instead, they'd ever really get another shot and it would all be downhill from there.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763009)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 4:49 PM
Author: mahogany exhilarant space

Byzantine Dream 4ever

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763561)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 2:28 PM
Author: bateful rose roast beef hell

how do i break into journalism? like, freelance science journalism?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34762761)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 3:26 PM
Author: Bistre brunch

Since I got in right out of college, I'm not really an expert on breaking in as an adult, nor am I an expert on freelance work. Any advice I could offer would just be guesswork, and you'd probably be better off just Googling around for suggestions from actual freelancers and the like.

That said, if you want to write on a specific topic and don't have prior published work, starting a blog (and regularly updating it with substantive content) isn't a horrible way to go.

Since you're a pumo, you get a lower-tier emperor. I rate you as Carus, a praetorian prefect who seized power after having the emperor Probus assassinated at the tail end of the 3rd Century Crisis. He reigned for about a year with some middling military success, but then died abruptly, according to one source because he was struck by lightning.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763035)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 2:29 PM
Author: jet-lagged filthpig

komnenoi plz

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34762764)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 3:51 PM
Author: Bistre brunch

Well, if you insist...

I rate you as Andronikos I Komnenos. Andronikos spent most of his life in exile after participating in a plot to overthrow the aforementioned Manuel I. But after Manuel's death, power fell to his 10-year-old son Alexios with a regency led by his mother, the Empress Maria. Seizing upon discontent created by Maria's Frankish background and Manuel's pro-Western sentiments, Andronikos raised an army and marched on Constantinople, successfully taking power in the city. Several thousand Latin inhabitants were massacred, and in short order Alexios, his mother, and his older sister were all murdered. Andronikos capped off this sordid affair by marrying a 12-year-old French princess previously betrothed to Alexios.

Deeply paranoid, Andronikos has prisoners and the families of exiles massacred. Toward the end of his reign, he may even have blotted to purge the entire Byzantine aristocracy, even as the empire itself was invaded by a massive Sicilian army. His fatal mistake came when Andronikos attempted to have Isaac Angelos arrested as a potential enemy. Instead, Isaac successfully appealed to the public to proclaim him emperor. Andronikos was subsequently captured and tortured to death by a public lynch mob, who among other things gouged out an eye, ripped out his teeth, and poured boiling water on his face.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763192)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 3:56 PM
Author: Pale abode

BAM! The Massacre of the Latins doesn't happen, or is quelled swiftly and forcefully by the Emperor. Is world history changed significantly from that moment on, or does the Byzantine empire eventually fall to the Turks regardless?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763200)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 2:29 PM
Author: Blue menage brethren



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34762767)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 4:46 PM
Author: Bistre brunch

I rate you as the emperor Aurelian, the greatest of the emperors during the turbulent Crisis of the Third Century.

Born a commoner in Illyria, Aurelian rose through the ranks of the legions on the basis of his military skill and by the reign of Gallienus was recognized as a capable officer. He rose even faster during the brief reign of Claudius II, and following the latter's death from plague Aurelian was proclaimed emperor by his troops. He then easily brushed aside Claudius's unimpressive brother Quintillus.

The empire Aurelian took over, though, was in very bad shape. In the West, Gaul and Britannia had broken off to form the Gallic Empire, while in the East Anatolia, Syria, and Egypt were ruled by the Palmyrene Empire centered on the desert city of Palmyra. Each of these empires were born from the turbulence of the crisis period, as the frontiers broke away under leaders who vowed to focus on border defense rather than distant conflicts or dynastic squabbles.

Not only had half the empire seceded, but the remaining central region was under attack from marauding tribes: Vandals, Alemanni, Goths, and other groups were invading the Danube frontier and even entering Italy itself.

In an incredible five-year reign, the energetic Aurelian totally restored the fortunes of the empire. First, he smashed the Germanic invaders in Italy, giving the heart of the empire a breathing spell. He stabilized the Danube frontier by beating the Goths and making a calculated withdrawal from Dacia so that the Roman position could be more defensible.

Then, Aurelian marched east, defeating Queen Zenobia of the Palmyrenes to restore the eastern Empire. He promptly turned west to defeat the Gallic emperor Tetricus. According to some sources, Tetricus was so intimidated that he simply surrendered to the emperor, but the price was that he had to stand aside while his leaderless army was annihilated in battle.

Aurelian had no plans to slow down, and had he lived longer he would have attacked the Sassanid Persian Empire. Given his prodigious military skill it's interesting to speculate how this might have ended, but it wasn't to be. A corrupt official, fearing the emperor would have him executed for lying, invented a fake purge the emperor was supposedly planning, and tricked its supposed targets into having the emperor assassinated.

Outside his major military accomplishments, Aurelian is notable as perhaps the first monotheist emperor, as he was a devotee to the cult of Sol Invictus. He also built a new, larger network of walls around Rome, and suppressed a peculiar uprising by Rome's imperial mint, which was upset about his planned currency reforms.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763546)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 2:30 PM
Author: Glittery Know-it-all Home

me pls

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34762774)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 5:01 PM
Author: Bistre brunch

I rate you as the Empress Pulcheria, the first Byzantine empress to have authority in her own right.

Pulcheria's father was the Eastern Roman emperor Arcadius, and she ruled as regent during the minority of her brother Theodosius II. A devout Christian, Pulcheria notably took a vow of perpetual virginity and convinced her sisters to do the same. Politically, this had the handy side effect of blocking the possible efforts of ambitious men to marry into the royal family and take power for themselves.

Once Theodosius II took power in his own right, Pulcheria remained a major force in government, and the two collaborated to build churches, promote Christianity, and combat perceived heretics. The war with Persia they fought notably took on the dimensions of a holy war, being prompted by the execution of a Christian bishop who had desecrated a Zoroastrian altar. Notably, Pulcheria's vow of virginity was used as a propaganda weapon, with Theodosius crediting it for imperial military successes.

Following Theodosius's death, Pulcheria once again took control of the empire, but was forced to marry by the Roman Senate, which would not tolerate a woman ruling in her own right. In a peculiar solution, Pulcheria married the noble Marcian and ruled jointly with him, but she kept him in a COCKCAGE and refused to allow him to fuck her.

Pulcheria is honored as a saint by both the Catholic and Orthodox churches.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763618)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 5:11 PM
Author: Glittery Know-it-all Home

1800000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763642)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 3:04 PM
Author: Wine disgusting den



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34762938)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 6:29 PM
Author: Bistre brunch

Hmmm...you're a big fan of anime and are an expert on kooky INCEST subplots therein. I rate you as Heraclius.

Apparently of Armenian ancestry, Heraclius was the son of Heraclius the elder, who was named exarch of Africa by the emperor Maurice. Maurice who was subsequently overthrown and executed along with all six of his sons. This overthrow sparked a new war with Persia, which the usurper Phocas proved less than capable of fighting. Perhaps annoyed by Phocas's poor performance and the brutal execution of his benefactor, Heraclius the Elder rose in rebellion and sent his son at the head of an expedition to Constantinople. Phocas's support rapidly collapsed, and when Heraclius the Younger arrived in Constantinople he was hailed as emperor and proceeded to personally execute Phocas.

But getting rid of Phocas did little to remedy the empire's dire situation. Persian forces overran all of Egypt and Syria, depriving the empire of its best provinces. They even captured much of Anatolia, making it all the way to Chalcedon, directly opposite Constantinople itself. In the Balkans, Avars crossed the Danube and raided throughout the Balkans. If appeared the Empire could collapse outright, just as Western Rome had 150 years before. Heraclius considered fleeing to Africa, but his resolve stiffened with the powerful support of the Sergius, the patriarch of Constantinople. The resources of the church were marshaled for the war effort, while Heraclius bought time by, among other things, sending 1,000 virgins to the Persian emperor in return for a truce. For several years, Heraclius led a heroic reorganization of the imperial government, cutting expenditures heavily and even ramming through a decrease in army pay. Notably, Heraclius changed the administrative language of the empire from Latin to Greek, making him a common dividing line between the "Eastern Roman" and "Byzantine" empires (a division that is purely historiographical, as the Byzantines always saw themselves s Roman).

By 622, he was ready for a counteroffensive, and mustered an army for a daring invasion right into the heart of the Persian Empire. Rapidly winning several major victories, Heraclius prompted the Persians to respond by laying siege to Constantinople. In a major test of resolve, Heraclius refused to abandon his campaign in Persia, and instead counted on Constantinople to hang on, which it did (in a victory credited at the time to miraculous intervention by the Virgin Mary). Following a decisive victory at Nineveh in 627, Heraclius plundered the Persian capital of Ctesiphon and forced a peace treaty that returned all the empire's lost provinces.

Had he died here, Heraclius would almost certainly be considered one of the five greatest empires in Roman or Byzantine history. But alas, he did not die. Just a year after the victory over Persia, the Byzantines began a new war with the expansionist tribes of a newly-united and Islamized Arabia. The exhausted empire suffered a series of devastating defeats, and by the time Heraclius died in 641 the empire had once again lost Egypt and Syria, including Jerusalem. this time, they would never be recovered.

Everybody knew what was to blame for the Empire's great tribulations: Heraclius's kooky incestuous marriage to his own niece, Martina, which was deeply unpopular. Nevertheless, Heraclius refused to repudiate her and they ultimately had at least ten children. At least two of them had deformities that were probably incest-related.

By the time he died, Heraclius was unpopular and his painful death from edema was seen as God's punishment for his long and sinful marriage. Martina attempted to take control of the empire on behalf of her son, but after a short rule both were overthrown, mutilated (Martina's tongue was cut out), and sent to die in exile.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34764019)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 3:05 PM
Author: soul-stirring hunting ground



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34762940)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 7:40 PM
Author: Bistre brunch

I rate you as Trajan Decius, the first Roman Emperor to die in battle against a foreign foe.

Decius followed a very standard path to the purple, taking an important command on the frontier and then taking on the sitting emperor, Philip, once his soldiers proclaimed him emperor. In an odd twist, though, some accounts say that Decius didn't really want to be emperor but went along simply because his soldiers insisted and he feared being killed if he refused.

Whatever his intentions, Decius defeated Philip near Verona and took undisputed control of the empire, but had an unhappy two-year reign. In an effort to improve the empire's morality, he demanded that all Roman citizens sacrifice to the gods for the sake of the empire. This may not have been intended to target Christians, but it functionally triggered a persecution of them, as thousands refused to make the sacrifices.

Whether this might have turned into a longer-term persecution is unclear, because Decius soon got embroiled in a war with the Goths along the Danube frontier. At the Battle of Abritus in modern Bulgaria, Decius and his army were lured into a swamp and massacred en masse. Decius and his co-emperor, his son Herennius, were the first (but not the last) Roman emperors to die in combat against a foreign foe.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34764471)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 3:26 PM
Author: razzle turdskin



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763039)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 7:48 PM
Author: Bistre brunch

I rate you as Otho, who overthrew his patron Galba as emperor, only to subsequently be defeated by the usurper Vitellius who was marching down with the Rhine legions. Otho committed suicide rather than fight on, a stunt that Tacitus and many other Romans considered a noble gesture to spare the empire an even more intense civil war.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34764495)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 3:26 PM
Author: kink-friendly seedy partner yarmulke



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763041)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 8:18 PM
Author: Bistre brunch

I rate you as Justinian II, the "Slit-Nosed."

Justinian took over from his father, Constantine IV, in a period where the Byzantines were fighting to recover some of the territory they'd lost during the wave of Muslim conquests. In this, he had a decent amount of success, but his authoritarian rule eventually pissed a lot of people off. He was overthrown and sent into exile, but not before his nose was chopped off to keep him from ever taking power again.

Whoops! Didn't work out that way. Justinian's successor, Tiberius, tried to have him assassinated, but Justinian supposedly killed the assassins with his bare hands. He then went on an epic REVENGE QUEST, cutting deals the Bulgars and Slavs to get an army he used to besiege and capture Constantinople. After fashioning a new golden nose to fix his face, Justinian had his rivals and their supporters all brutally executed, and even blinded the Patriarch of Constantinople.

Sadly, after finishing his revenge quest Justinian did not chill out and instead he backstabbed the Bulgars and starting being a general douchebag, so after a few more years he got overthrown again and this time they were smart enough to just kill him.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34764616)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 8:20 PM
Author: kink-friendly seedy partner yarmulke

Holy fuck 180000000

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34764621)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 3:43 PM
Author: Comical stage

Thoughts on Anna Komnena and Bohemund? Anything going on there, like at least a girl-crush, or is that all Romanticist flame?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763151)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 8:34 PM
Author: Bistre brunch

She definitely thought he was a mega-hunk, but that's almost certainly it. An actual affair or anything of that nature is extremely unlikely.

I rate you as Constantine II, the oldest not-murdered son of Constantine I. Constantine I was rather cavalier about the whole matter of suggestion, so when he died he had a really stupid and convoluted succession plan that involved giving the East to his middle son Constantius, Italy and Africa to his youngest son Constans, and Iberia, Gaul, and Britain to Constantine. As a bonus complication, Constantine gave a nephew Dalmatius control over Greece and Thrace in an apparent effort to make Constantinople a "neutral zone," and gave another nephew, Hannibalianus, control over vaguely-defined Eastern lands that would apparently be given him after a triumphant war over the Persians.

This batshit system fell apart right away. Dalmatius was killed off in a couple years and had his turf absorbed by Constantius. Meanwhile, Constantine, the oldest, started to get butthurt about having the poor, hard-to-defend Western provinces, and started bullying his brother Constans to hand over Africa so he could have more stuff to rule. Constans agreed but then tried to claim that the nicer parts of Africa were actually part of the province of Italia, causing a civil war. Constantine promptly invaded Italy but got killed in some dumb ambush before any really cool battles could be fought.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34764686)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 3:43 PM
Author: Walnut bbw

GO

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763154)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2017 11:01 PM
Author: Bistre brunch

I rate you as Basil the Bulgar-Slayer.

Like many top emperors, Basil took power in an emperor that seemed on the brink of falling apart. Basil officially became emperor at just two years old, but as a boy was an impotent figurehead controlled by co-emperor quasi-regents. When John I died, though, Basil was abruptly the empire's sole ruler at 18. Immediately, he was faced with major internal dissent from powerful Anatolian nobles who sought the throne for themselves. Through capable military leadership and adroit diplomacy, Basil defeated two major internal rebellions. He navigated the empire's proverbially complex and deadly politics by keeping governors and generals on a short leash and suppressing the strongest landholding families so they could no longer launch credible rebellions.

With the heartland secure, Basil could focus on his life's work: Defending and eventually expanding the Empire's frontiers. In 986, an attempted invasion of Bulgaria ended in catastrophe. But 14 years later, Basil tried again, and this time he was relentless. 18 years of hard campaigning finally forced to Bulgarians to submit and become a Byzantine province. Basil's ruthlessness became legendary; after the Battle of Kleidon, thousands of Bulgarian prisoners were blinded, while a handful of men were left with one eye to guide the pathetic survivors home. The incident is the source of his nickname "the Bulgar-Slayer." By the time of his death, the empire's northern frontier ran along the Danube all the way up to modern Croatia, a limit it hadn't reached since the days of Justinian.

Basil is also critical as the emperor who converted the Kievan Rus to Orthodoxy by marrying off his not-entirely-willing sister to Vladimir of Kiev.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34765579)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 26th, 2017 1:23 PM
Author: Walnut bbw

VERY 180 brother

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34774587)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 3:59 PM
Author: anal resort doctorate



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763217)



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Date: November 27th, 2017 1:54 AM
Author: Bistre brunch

I rate you as Probus, an underappreciated emperor who bridged the gap between Aurelian and Diocletian.

Like most of the good emperors from the 3rd century onward, Probus was a man of undistinguished birth from Illyria who rose up through the army on merit. He fought capably in Aurelian's campaign against the Palmyrenes in the East, and rose even higher during the brief reign of Tacitus. Beloved by his troops, Probus was hailed as emperor following Tacitus's abrupt death, and took power after a brief civil war when his rival Florian was murdered by his soldiers (being an emperor in the 3rd century was a rough business).

Sources on Probus's actual reign are rather scanty, which is one reason Probus doesn't loom large, but he seems to have been a capable emperor, shoring up the empire's defenses and defeating several Germanic tribes. Also, according to the (extremely unreliable) Historia Augusta he could throw a sick party:

"He gave in the Circus a most magnificent wild-beast hunt, at which all things were to be the spoils of the people. 3 Now the manner of this spectacle was as follows: great trees, torn up with the roots by the soldiers, were set up on a platform of beams of wide extent, on which earth was then thrown, and in this way the whole Circus, planted to look like a forest, seemed, thanks to this new verdure, to be putting forth leaves. 4 Then through all the entrances were brought in one thousand p377 ostriches, one thousand stags and one thousand wild-boars, then deer, ibexes, wild sheep, and other grass-eating beasts, as many as could be reared or captured. The populace was then let in, and each man seized what he wished. 5 Another day he brought out in the Amphitheatre at a single performance one hundred maned lions,84 which woke the thunder with their roaring. 6 All of these were slaughtered as they came out of the doors of their dens, and being killed in this way they afforded no great spectacle. For there was none of that rush on the part of the beasts which takes place when they are let loose from cages. Besides, many, unwilling to charge, were despatched with arrows. 7 Then he brought out one hundred leopards from Libya, then one hundred from Syria, then one hundred lionesses and at the same time three hundred bears; all of which beasts, it is clear, made a spectacle more vast than enjoyable. 8 He presented, besides, three hundred pairs of gladiators, among whom fought many of the Blemmyae, who had been led in his triumph, besides many Germans and Sarmatians also and even some Isaurian brigands."

But Probus wasn't all fun and games, and that was ultimately his undoing. Determined to extract the maximum value from Rome's vast army, Probus engaged his soldiers in public works activities, having them drain marshes, build roads, and do other useful-but-unpleasant shit. According to various sources, they either murdered him outright in a particularly violent strike, or else were happy to defect when Carus was declared emperor.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34779372)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 4:48 PM
Author: hairraiser mildly autistic lay

I used to work at best buy corporate. I miss the days of working in the store for Black Friday.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763554)



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Date: November 27th, 2017 2:15 AM
Author: Bistre brunch

I rate you as Lucius Verus, the oft-forgotten co-emperor to Marcus Aurelius.

Lucius's elevation to the purple was a bit of a surprise. The adoptive grandson of Hadrian, he was adopted in turn by Antoninus Pius and raised as a co-heir alongside Marcus Aurelius.

However, Marcus was both older and a totally 180 bro that everybody knew would make a great emperor, so when Antoninus died the Senate planned to just make Marcus the sole emperor. In an interesting twist, though, Marcus demanded that Lucius be elevated alongside him. This may simply have been done out of affection, because Marcus was plainly the senior emperor and Lucius didn't have much to add on his own.

Lucius basically spent most of his reign partying, as he loved gambling, eating, and hanging out with mistresses, actors, and musicians. Despite his rather unserious disposition, Marcus sent him east to "take command" of a major war against Persia, which Lucius seems to have done by sitting in Antioch and partying a lot while subordinate generals did all the serious fighting. Despite his total non-effort, Lucius still got a triumph after his generals defeated the Parthians, though he had to share it with Marcus and his sons in a weird deluxe super-triumph.

A few years later Lucius got the plague and died, though the Historia Augusta relates the fanciful and almost-certainly bullshit tale that was poisoned by his mother-in-law after raping her.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34779402)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 4:54 PM
Author: Tan university gunner



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763588)



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Date: November 27th, 2017 2:42 AM
Author: Bistre brunch

I rate you as Isaac I Komnenos, who is the most likely candidate for introducing the double-headed eagle into Byzantine heraldry.

During his relatively short reign, Isaac fixed up the Byzantine empire's bad finances by STOMPING on wealthy monasteries and RIPPING THE HEAD OFF of excessive pensions. He also attempted to CRUSH the Hungarians but settled for a marginal peace deal.

But Isaac's heart really wasn't in the whole emperor thing, so after he fell ill about two years into his reign, he took the exceptional step of abdicating and retiring to a monastery, where he passed his time studying Homer.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34779456)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 5:02 PM
Author: self-absorbed regret party of the first part



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763620)



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Date: November 27th, 2017 2:25 PM
Author: Bistre brunch

I rate you as Leo III, the Isaurian.

Leo III rose in the tumult caused by the aforementioned Justinian II, he of the golden nose. Justinian's despotic rule sparked a period of instability where three emperors ruled in short succession. The repeated overthrows, combined with religious disputes and invasions by Arabs and Bulgars, badly shrank the empire's territorial base and had it on the brink of total collapse.

When he took power by shoving aside the short-lived usurper Theodosius III, the odds seemed good that Leo would be the last emperor of Rome. Within just a few months, an Arab army of 100,000 or more was outside the gates of Constantinople. Thanks to the stout walls, Greek fire, and an alliance with Bulgaria negotiated by his predecessor, the Byzantines triumphed, and Leo restored some measure of stability by reigning for more than 20 years and implementing various legal, administrative, and financial reforms.

Leo III would almost certainly be remembered as one of the best Byzantine emperors, were it not for one gargantuan mistake that set him on the path to HELL: In the 720s he initiated iconoclasm as state policy, banning the veneration of icons throughout the empire. Why exactly he did so is hotly-debated, but genuine religious belief seems to be a major reason. Historians have also speculated that the success of Islamic conquerors may have encouraged iconoclasm, since the Muslims were fierce iconoclasts.

(Note: I should mention that there is debate over whether Leo was actually an iconoclast. His reign is lacking in primary sources and some speculate Leo was improperly blamed for the more clear-cut iconoclasm of his sun and successor Constantine V. Still, most textual accounts of his reign state he was a strong iconoclast, so I will stick with the orthodox (and Orthodox) interpretation)

Whatever his reasoning, the pursuit of iconoclasm would have long-lasting consequences. At the time, the Papacy and by extensions the Western church was closely aligned with the empire. But all the popes were strongly pro-icon, so the push for iconoclasm effectively split the church. It's possible that without Iconoclasm, another Leo III wouldn't have crowned Charlemagne emperor. Similarly, iconoclasm appears to have triggered a rebellion in the Exarchate of Ravenna, resulting in the independence of Venice. Venice, of course, would be responsible for the sack of Constantinople 500 years later.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34782319)



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Date: November 28th, 2017 9:16 PM
Author: self-absorbed regret party of the first part

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34793816)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 5:07 PM
Author: irate fortuitous meteor public bath

c'mon heliogabalus

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763631)



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Date: November 27th, 2017 3:36 PM
Author: Bistre brunch

Close! I rate you as Caracalla, the son and successor of Septimius Severus.

Caracalla was born in Gaul, and like many births in modern France he was of mixed African and Syrian heritage. His father Severus seized power when he was still a young boy, and at the age of 10 he was elevated to the rank of co-emperor. His given name was Lucius Septimius Bassianus, but he acquired the nickname Caracalla in reference to a Gallic tunic he frequently wore.

Severus apparently tried hard to raise Caracalla and his brother Geta to be capable emperors, taking them on the road as he campaign in Britain to give them military experience. But it seems that Caracalla was simply a bad egg. After being pushed into a marriage he didn't like, Caracalla contrived to have his father-in-law executed for treason, and probably had his wife murdered as well.

When his father died, Caracalla didn't get much better. Deeply hostile toward his brother, after less than a year he had him murdered at a reconciliation meeting arranged by their mother. Not only that, but Caracalla purged thousands of Geta's associates and supporters, and damned his memory, making it a capital offense even to utter his brother's name. Later, after a satirical play in Alexandria mocked Caracalla, Caracalla carried out a similar massacre in that city.

But it wasn't all massacres and deranged behavior. Caracalla actually implemented a lot of important policies. Most famously, an edict in 212 granted citizenship to almost all free men in the Empire, apparently in a bid to improve tax revenues and strengthen the empire's hold on the periphery. Caracalla also followed his father's policy of lavishing money and attention on the army, upping their pay and debasing the coinage a bit to pay for it (fucking up the coinage is a running theme for the entire 3rd century).

Caracalla was raised to be a soldier and desired to imitate Alexander the Great, so it's no surprise that like a lot of emperors he picked a fight with Parthia. But after a short year of campaigning, Caracalla was pissing by the side of the road when he was stabbed to death by a soldier angry he hadn't been promoted to centurion. The assassin may have been egged on by praetorian prefect Macrinus, who was declared emperor in the aftermath.

There's been some effort to rehabilitate Caracalla in modern times but he's still generally considered a bad emperor. Cassius Dio summed him up by targeting his multiracial background:

"Antoninus belonged to three races; and he possessed none of their virtues at all, but combined in himself all their vices; the fickleness, cowardice, and recklessness of Gaul were his, the harshness and cruelty of Africa, and the craftiness of Syria, whence he was sprung on his mother's side."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34782860)



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Date: December 28th, 2017 5:42 PM
Author: Glittery Know-it-all Home



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#35028509)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 6:22 PM
Author: Flickering house goal in life

Sup, Citizen?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34763984)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 8:35 PM
Author: Trip hissy fit mad cow disease



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34764688)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 8:36 PM
Author: Floppy Sticky Marketing Idea



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34764693)



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Date: November 24th, 2017 8:56 PM
Author: motley orchestra pit



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34764778)



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Date: November 26th, 2017 8:40 AM
Author: indecent round eye hominid



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#34773656)



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Date: December 28th, 2017 8:53 AM
Author: Glittery Know-it-all Home

180 thread

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#35024427)



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Date: December 30th, 2017 9:56 AM
Author: Glittery Know-it-all Home

moar ratings plz charles

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#35041589)



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Date: December 30th, 2017 10:45 AM
Author: Sadistic Greedy Parlour Ape



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#35041799)



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Date: December 30th, 2017 10:47 AM
Author: 180 Field



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#35041812)



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Date: September 24th, 2018 7:00 PM
Author: green startled hall

Yo

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3807740&forum_id=2#36880016)