Dear Care and Feeding,

Five years ago, my partner cheated on me and got pregnant. We got past the infidelity, and I have raised her son as my own since the moment he was born. At what age is it appropriate to tell him that his social father and his biological father are not the same person? The biological father is not in the picture and seems to have no interest in being a parent. I think our son should be told eventually, but I think 4 is much too young. My partner disagrees. I would appreciate your advice.

—Dedicated Dad

Dear DD,

Thank you for being committed to your partner and practicing forgiveness and reconciliation. It’s not always possible, and it’s very hard. You sound like a really good father, and asking this question is a great next step.

My first query is in what way your partner disagrees with you. Does she think that your son should never be told eventually or does she think that 4 is not too young? I think that indeed he needs to be told at some point, and that 4 is absolutely too young.

My second question is to ask you how you would proceed with telling your child he was conceived via a sperm donor. Take that as your baseline, and try to remain essentially truthful while you do so. Lies of omission are easier to recover from. When he is an adult, you and your partner can decide how best to explain the situation vis-à-vis her infidelity. He may be angry, sad, confused, and hurt. He may worry that he was a colossal mistake. He may have concerns about the stability of your family. These are all emotions that he’ll find it easier to deal with as a man living independently. Not a 4-year-old.

I want to make sure you and your partner get right on the same page with this. It’s going to stir up a lot of feelings in both of you that you may think have been put to rest forever, and I think some couples counseling before things get too heated would be an excellent plan.

I am rooting hard for your little family.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4112417&forum_id=2#37072841)