I give you two post-lockdown jobs. You pick which one you accept.
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Date: April 9th, 2020 1:01 PM Author: gold lodge
A. It's early 2021, and all of northern Louisiana has been lost to biker gangs. The only remaining outpost of federal control is Shreveport, LA, which is surrounded on all sides by bikers and can only be resupplied by air. You are offered a job as an FBI special agent fighting these gangs. While you reside in Shreveport (subject as it is to constant supply shortages) most of your job will involve you taking your highly modified government-issued Dodge Charger into gang territory and engaging in gunfights with outlaw bikers. You earn a GS-13 salary, which for Shreveport is something like $75k/yr.
B: It's early 2021 and the once-great state of Illinois is in dire financial straits. Governor Pritzker is long dead, having been replaced by a former state legislator who now goes by "Governor War Daddy". The Governor clandestinely employs a team of mercenaries known as "reapers" whose job it is to fan across the state and seize valuables from citizens, for the purpose of replenishing the state treasury. You are offered a job as a reaper. Officially, you have some bullshit HR job in Springfield, but in reality you are going to be criss-crossing the state in a former state police Chevy Tahoe, looking for coin collections, luxury cars, boats, really anything that War Daddy can turn into cash for the state. Pay is $65k/yr but many reapers supplement with shit they steal but don't report.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39976238) |
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Date: April 9th, 2020 3:02 PM Author: Crystalline swashbuckling weed whacker
can I pick A and have time/capacity for "reaping" to supplement my meager gs13 salary?
if not, can you estimate the average theft salary bump per year and the % increase in fatality with the job should i steal with job B?
thanks
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39977228) |
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Date: April 9th, 2020 1:22 PM Author: gold lodge
A: You work for the state government of New York as a "catchman", where your job is to capture feral children whose parents died or abandoned them during the pandemic and bring them to government camps, so that they can be enrolled in Governor Cuomo's re-civilization program. While catchmen are active across the state, you specifically are assigned to Queens. The state gives you an impounded pickup truck, a shotgun, and a bullet-proof vest. Other than that, you are on your own in post-apocalyptic NYC. Pay is $100k/yr but you are a contractor with no benefits or pension eligibility.
B: Following the Missoula Accords, the mysterious masked warlord known as "Cyrus Pharaoh" is in firm control of northern Idaho. He begins the "great reckoning", or the extrajudicial execution of his personal and political enemies within his territory. He wants you to be a gravedigger for a death squad. There is promotion potential to armed death squad member if you show promise and poise. Pay is 2.0 BTC per month, plus free food and lodging in one of Lord Pharaoh's paramilitary camps.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39976407) |
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Date: April 9th, 2020 1:49 PM Author: gold lodge
A: During the Great Chaos, many people did not make their loan payments or pay their credit card debt. Worse, the failure of multiple IT systems means that digital paper trails were often destroyed, leaving banks with no easy way of figuring out who owes them what. Gerald Proudcrest, the new CEO of Chase, wants to recoup what his once-great company has lost. He hires you as a collector of what is owed. Your job is to go through the surviving paper records, figure out who owes Chase large amounts of money, and then "seek justice, in gold or blood". The Proudcrest clan believes in incentives, so you will be compensated entirely as a portion of what you can recover.
B: Pastor Stoltzfus, a young and ambitious Mennonite, has succeeded his father as head of the theocracy that now runs Central Pennsylvania. Sin has been mostly eradicated in the realm, except for along the massive English highways that cross his land. They can't be closed down, as they bring in too much income. So you, Englishman, are hired as the morality police. You must travel the highways of central Pennsylvania enforcing the morality code, bringing anyone engaged in sinful activity to justice. You will be paid in kind, with crops, and also receive a small farm in the countryside.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39976650) |
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Date: April 9th, 2020 2:03 PM Author: gold lodge
A: As restaurant workers were decimated during the second and third outbreaks, our society has lost the knowledge of how to make an authentic, New York style pizza. One of the last surviving pizza shop owners in Manhattan, with his dying breath, named you his heir, giving you a safe which allegedly contains the recipe for authentic, New York style pie. He told his followers that "when the time is right", you would unlock the safe and bring authentic, New York style pizza back to the world. You've looked in the safe, and it contains nothing except old newspaper clippings about the 2000 NL Champion Mets. However, several dozen hardcore NYC pizza fans now look to you as some kind of messiah, and only you know that you're a fraud. You're on your own to figure out what the pay and benefits of this position might be.
B: You are living in a camp for survivors near what used to be Secaucus, NJ. Most people in the camp are focused on basic things like cleaning the latrines, repairing the fence, trying to re-establish plumbing, etc., or learning valuable skills like ditch-digging or wound dressing. However, one camp resident, who wears much nicer clothes than the rest, approaches you. He says that he has now inherited the intellectual property of the former company called Campbells. He is planning to re-establish Campbells once the world gets back to normal. However, no marketing people appear to have survived. He asks you to give up your daily tasks and focus 100% of your energy on how to make people care about Spaghetti-O's again. For now, he can offer you only your own private tent in the camp (most people have to share) and all the food you need, but he promises you that one day you will be a marketing executive in the re-established Campbells.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39976778) |
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Date: April 9th, 2020 2:24 PM Author: gold lodge
A: When government collapsed in western Arkansas, the local population turned to the only source of law and order still available to them: the federal courthouse in Fort Smith, Arkansas. Today, the surviving judges of the United States District Court for the Western District of Arkansas rule over their district as enlightened oligarchs, settling all disputes in accordance with binding 8th Circuit precedent. However, the district has been infiltrated by so-called "Tenners" - ruffians from across the border in Oklahoma who preach 10th Circuit precedent to the people. You are hired as a "special master" to eliminate these encroaching Okies, or at least chase them back to their own jurisdiction.
B: Before the internet went down, you were able to download and print every major weather forecasting model's predictions for what the weather will be like in Nebraska for the next 1.5 years. Then you drove your car through dangerous territory to Nebraska, where it finally broke down outside of Lincoln. Now, you can probably impress the locals by being able to predict the weather for a little bit. How this translates into pay and benefits is up to you.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39976934)
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Date: April 9th, 2020 2:47 PM Author: gold lodge
A: In the center of Waterloo, IA is a historical curiosity: a functional grocery store. The store sells produce, meat, and dairy to the public, or at least those who make it through security. Due to constant raids by gangs, the store has heavily armed men at the entrance and on the roof, ready to deal justice to any would-be attackers. The owner, a man who clearly has never had any legal training or even talked to a lawyer before, hears about your legal prowess and wants to hire you as his legal advisor. He wants to make sure he runs his supermarket "by the book". Poor fool: unlike you, he didn't watch the Chief Justice's final speech, announcing that every man would now be governed by "his own common law". He clearly would believe anything you tell him. Pay is a 6-pack of toilet paper a week plus any food you can eat. You can also live in the store, protected by the armed guards.
B: "Eutowpia" is series of barges latched together, floating in the middle of the Mississippi River, somewhere between Davenport, Iowa and St. Louis, Missouri. Eutowpia is run by a guy calling himself "Good Time Tim" and his band of armed guards, who successfully prevent any gang members or raiders from getting from the shore to the barge. Good Time Tim offers a simple deal: if you give him all that you own on the shore (at least $20k worth of property), he allows you to live on his barge, which is basically a constant drug-assisted orgy. People from all over the USA come to give Tim everything they own, so that they can spend the rest of their lives taking part in a fuckfest and not worrying about their safety. Most die after just a few months. You are hired to help manage Tim's assets. You will work on the barge, and live in a segregated area for Tim's employees, where you are expected to be sober and not fuck any of your coworkers. It's still business casual there. The penalty for leaving your area and going to the orgy/drug area is death.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39977112) |
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Date: April 9th, 2020 3:22 PM Author: gold lodge
A: Father Collins, who claims to be a Catholic priest, runs a small shrine to the Virgin Mary along the NJ Turnpike. Many devout Catholics go there and claim to have experienced miracles. Many donate money to the shrine. Father Collins confesses to you (for some reason) that he isn't a real priest, and that he fakes all of the miracles. He claims he isn't doing this for money (he does take a cut of donations people make to the shrine, but only enough to meet his basic needs) but is doing it to make people feel better in these hard times. He offers to hire you as a research assistant, to help him fake better miracles. He says he can offer you a share of whatever additional contributions come to the shrine from miracles you engineer.
B: Once the government lost the ability to regulate banks, banks responded with mass layoffs of their compliance staff. Today, banks regularly make irresponsible financial moves and scam consumers, with little consequence. Among unemployed compliance SMEs, a legend grows: the legend of "The Regulator", a demagogue who will rally the people against the banks and restore bank supervision and enforcement. So far, The Regulator has not come. You are approached by a group of former compliance officers who ask you to pretend to be The Regulator. They want you to start criss-crossing the country giving stirring speeches about the need for bank regulation. The hope is that banks will THINK you are The Regulator (even though you don't have the birthmarks he is supposed to have) and will respond by beefing up their compliance departments. Then, newly re-employed compliance staff will funnel you part of their paychecks in gratitude.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39977426) |
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Date: April 9th, 2020 3:44 PM Author: gold lodge
A: The year is 2025 and after many years of misrule by Joe Biden and Stacey Abrams, the people want Trump back. There's just one problem: Trump and his entire family were killed by an angry mob back in 2021. Well, an enterprising former military officer comes to you, and wants you to pretend to be Jared Kushner. They will explain the physical differences between you and Jared Kushner by saying that you got plastic surgery to evade your enemies. The goal is to create a popular uprising to put you, the last surviving Trump, on the throne in Washington DC. At that point, of course, the military cabal that hired you would expect certain favors from you.
B: The year is 2025, and the government of the Northeast is ready to declare Manhattan fit for human habitation again. The government has decided that, given the number of landowners who have died and the destruction of many records, the easiest thing to do would be to have an old fashioned land grab, where whoever is the first to get to a particular parcel of MFH can claim it. However, for equity reasons, a small number of plots have been set aside for disadvantaged individuals. You are hired to process claims from these disadvantaged individuals. It is of course illegal for you to accept a bribe, and you would be punished harshly if caught, but you have the power to decide whether a particular applicant is disadvantaged enough to merit free land in MFH and this is a fucking valuable thing.
B:
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39977568) |
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Date: April 9th, 2020 4:01 PM Author: gold lodge
A: A mysterious man in a turban asks you to come into the alley with him. You agree, and he explains that he is a mahout, or a professional elephant driver. He confesses that he is terminally ill and wants to pass down everything he knows to somebody, but none of his kids are interested. He points out that many warlords and gang leaders are stealing elephants from zoos as a status symbol, and many of them will soon realize that they have no fucking clue what they are doing and will seek out the services of a mahout. He also says that even if that doesn't happen, a good mahout can make big money serving Indian weddings in New Jersey. He has no elephant and will train you on fake model elephants, but says he can still teach you all you need to know about how to control and drive elephants.
B: Law and order has been restored in America's major cities, but bandits still roam the countryside. Civilization depends on the large armored truck convoys that transport resources between cities. These are like our BIG RIGS, but even bigger, with thick armor and machine guns on top. The mechanics who repair these trucks make big money, and their jobs are passed down from father to son only. An armored truck mechanic who has only daughters offers to adopt you, allowing you to be trained in armored truck maintenance. This is technically legal, but you will never be accepted as a true peer by your fellow truck mechanics, who will always view you with suspicion and will conspire against your professional success.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39977689) |
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Date: April 9th, 2020 4:24 PM Author: gold lodge
A: You life a safe, but very poor, life in Truthtown, a walled city located somewhere in what used to be Oklahoma or North Texas. Truthtown has one rule: you are not allowed to lie. Anyone who is caught lying is painfully executed in the public square. One day, the Education Minister of Truthtown comes to you. He thinks you are a former professor at Columbia University: in fact, you are not, but your name is one letter off from a guy who was. Given your academic pedigree, the minister offers you the job of superintendent of Truthtown's public schools, a lucrative job that will give you sway in government and prestige. You are confident that nobody who currently lives in Truthtown would be able to tell that you are not the former Columbia professor. However, the town occasionally accepts refugees from the outside, if they have valuable skills.
B: You live a fabulous life in the city of Nemi, which is wealthy because it sits atop an old oil rig that still gives oil. In fact, you are the Vice-Mayor of Nemi, a job that comes with few responsibilities but a big paycheck and access to whatever vice you like (drugs, alcohol, women, men, whatever). Just one catch. Every 5 years, there is an "election". What that means is that one person is allowed to challenge you for Vice-Mayor, and then you and that person must fight to the death, with the winner getting to be Vice-Mayor.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39977817) |
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Date: April 9th, 2020 5:42 PM Author: Razzle abnormal jap area
B
TWO MEN ENTER
ONE MAN LEAVES
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39978358) |
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Date: April 9th, 2020 8:10 PM Author: gold lodge
A: There is no longer a demand for lawyers, but law schools continue to exist, churning out thousands of new graduates each year, so that when our legal system exists again there will be plenty of trained legal practitioners. There is just one issue: without judges to clerk for, there's no way to rank these new law grads by prestige other than school rank and GPA which is of course insufficient. You are paid $20k/yr by a consortium of T14 law schools to serve as a "judge". In practice, this means you do whatever you do, but on top of that you must hire a few "clerks" every year and mentor them in whatever way you can. These clerks are fresh out of law school and pretty useless but you're allowed to use them as additional labor. When you first start doing this you are a "magistrate" and are not prestigious to clerk for, but after some number of years you will become a "district" and then "COA" judge and become more prestigious.
B: Palantir recruits you, claiming to be impressed by the fact that you are an XO poaster. "Look," your contact tells you, "COVID-19 was actually released by American intelligence in an effort to cripple China, but backfired horribly. If anyone ever finds out, my clients are totally fucked. Your job is to be a sleeper disinformation agent: if anyone ever spills the beans about this, you are to immediately start saying horrible things about them online to discredit them. Also don't get any ideas of being the whistleblower yourself, if you do that we'll find and kill you and your entire family." You are paid a $20k/yr retainer every year, and then if you are activated you are paid $35/hr for all the flaming you do online.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39979428) |
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Date: April 9th, 2020 8:38 PM Author: gold lodge
A: After the China Flu ravages America's cities, the USA becomes a mostly rural, agricultural society. Based on distant memories of the plague times, people are still obsessed with having everything "deep cleaned" but have mostly lost knowledge of how to do it. Deep cleaning is seen as more of a religious ritual, a way to purify things on special occasions. People have their barns deep cleaned before their daughter's wedding, or have their homes deep cleaned if they believe a demon has been visiting them. You are one of the many itinerant deep cleaners who go from town to town, farm to farm, village to village, performing a deep cleaning for anyone who needs one. It's up to you what you actually do. You are paid whatever they can afford. Some pay you with gold or silver, others pay you with "head money" (old USA fiat currency), some pay you with a fresh pie or a baby goat.
B: In the same society as above (mostly rural USA), every village has a "Line-Sayer", an official who has memorized the lineage of every village resident. The chief purpose of a Line-Sayer is to prevent inbreeding, but a good Line-Sayer also serves as a town historian, memorizing the great deeds of everyone's ancestors. Once a town hires you are a Line-Sayer, you are expected to stay there for the rest of your life, making sure to take on an apprentice when you are older so that the oral knowledge of everyone's lineage is remembered. Leaving a town without training a replacement is considered a great offense and townsfolk may try to track you down. You are not really paid; you're given a patch of free land at the edge of town and expected to use it to support yourself.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39979619) |
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Date: April 9th, 2020 8:45 PM Author: gold lodge
A: During the Great Dying, the government declared New Orleans uninhabitable and most of NOLA's population fled. This was of course a epidemiological disaster as the refugees spread the pestilence and caused many deaths, but an interesting consequence is that a lot of the southern and southwestern United States became culturally New Orleans-ized and now jazz and voodoo is really popular all over the place. You have gotten really good at pretending to be possessed by a voodoo spirit and so you are able to convince people that you are a powerful voodoo priest. You go from town to town as an itinerant voodoo priest, performing whatever ritual voodoo followers need you to do. They pay you with whatever trinkets or small valuables they have.
B: Legends tell of a magical faraway land called "Korea" where the government was able to stop the plague. Many people, especially young women, fantasize about running away to Korea, though many village wise men say there's no evidence that such a place exists. Still, references to Korea on old statues in some towns keeps the faith alive. You go from town to town claiming to know the Korean language and teaching people "Korean", and you're able to get at least a few students everywhere you go. Trouble is, you don't actually speak Korean. You're teaching them Finnish, which you learned on Duolingo during quarantine.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39979690) |
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Date: April 10th, 2020 12:25 AM Author: gold lodge
A: While wandering across the countryside, you come across a large, castle-like house. You tell the guards that you have trade goods: batteries, to be specific. They let you in and you are taken to the house's master. He is a former tech executive from Seattle who fled to the country when the plague began, and is now living a lonely existence in a remote place. He is a huge jazz guy, and laments not having anyone to jam with. He offers to let you stay with him, if and only if you are willing to learn the jazz saxophone. Free room and board (and the protection of his security guards) is the only payment.
B: Your car breaks down in the middle of what used to be a national forest, but you are rescued by a band of outlaws. Upon learning that you used to post on a message board for lawyers, they tell you their predicament. After the plague, their society devolved so much that law and equity were un-merged. This worked well for a while, until the Governor appointed a sadistic madman as Chancellor. Now, the Chancellor and his equally wicked Vice-Chancellors roam the land, dispensing the "governor's justice" but really just being dicks to everyone. They want you to help them defeat the Chancellor and restore real equity to the land. They can provide the weapons and the fighting skill, you can provide the legal arguments to justify their actions. They cannot offer you much more than daily rations of food, but they did just save your life.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39981143) |
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Date: April 10th, 2020 12:13 PM Author: gold lodge
A: In a lush mountain valley in what was once West Virginia, a man known only as "The Fiber King" runs a utopian society. The premise of this society is simple: nobody has to use toilet paper, because everyone eats a diet extremely high in fiber. The followers of the Fiber King grow psyllium husk in the valley, and process it themselves into psyllium husk, which everyone takes every day in abundance. The Fiber King gives regular speeches to his followers, warning of the evils of dependence on toilet paper. However, this utopia is under siege by local brigands who raid the psyllium fields. The Fiber King offers to hire you as head of security. Your job would be to figure out how best to secure the fields from attackers. If the psyllium husk crop is harmed, the entire utopia will collapse. There is no money in this utopia so your pay is in free room/board plus fiber.
B: A man called "Patient X" is found to have infected over 2,000 people in NYC. Patient X was asymptomatically infected with the virus, and spent a week flagrantly violating the stay at home order. Hundreds of the people he infected died as he appears to have had a particularly virulent strain. Patient X happens to be a very wealthy BIGLAW partner. He is now looking to hire a personal assistant, who will help him manage his money, help book all of his appointments, arrange his security, etc. This is because he got doxxed and became a huge social pariah, and all the people who used to work for him quit. Pay is $120k/yr.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39983143) |
Date: April 9th, 2020 8:09 PM Author: bateful new version codepig
krampus, you found your calling man
whatever line of work you're currently in, stop
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4503360&forum_id=2#39979422) |
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