Date: August 22nd, 2004 2:32 PM Author: tantric legend Subject: An epic. Homer captured Odysseus. I captured Mathhelp.
8:00 AM---The dogs in Mathhelp's trailer park community begin fighting, waking our young hero up. He dresses and steps two feet to the right, entering the kitchen.
8:15 AM---Mathhelp and his 7 brothers eat their Spaghetti-Os while watching Fox News with their father, Chew-bacco, who yells in support at the analysis being fed to him by Fox News on the family's small television set. The patriarch then ties a Confederate flag bandana around his head and leaves for work, grumbling on the way about niggers and the death of Christianity.
8:30---Mathhelp goes to school, a run-down dilapidated building named after the late, great George Wallace. When asked who this man is, Mathhelp says "Who? Who are you talking about?" Wallace. "Oh, I don't know. The guy who made the school?"
9:00---Mathhelp's teacher downs another tranquilizer after answering the 34th question regarding what a circle is, what a radius is, what a circumfrence is...
10:00---Mathhelp attends his English class, where the wise and learned teacher tries repeadetly to explain to Mathhelp why "Is you going..." cannot be correct. She begins to cry as she reminds herself that she's a college graduate and doesn't need to put up with this.
12:00---Mathhelp walks home for lunch. His mother, whom the Good Lord has blessed with a full-figure tipping the scales at 500 pounds (while at the same time removing from her half of her adult teeth, for the Good Lord giveth and He taketh away), has made Mathhelp a heaping plate of microwaved cheesburger that had been saved in the fridge since the family trip to McDonald's last week. Mathhelp eats and watches TV. His brother turns it to the Discovery Channel and is hit in the head by his mother, who says that "such channels is for book learnin, and yer ain't in school right now, put it back on Fox."
1:00---Mathhelp returns to school, only to find that it has, for the third time this year, burned down. He figures this is great, as he clearly has all the education he needs. Mirthfully he skips home.
1:30---Mathhelp goes to the family computer and logs onto XOXO. He opens a thread called "Kerry demands all veterans be put to death" by his hero bothered, and in response to the mind-shatteringly brilliant entry called "Terrorism is bad" he responds "Yr rite, but these loonies don't get it." He then opens a thread entitled "The deficit is outrageous," but he is unsure as to what a deficit is, so he simply responds "yup" to bothered's "saddam needed to be killed."
2:00---Mathhelp stares vacantly at the TV for an hour.
3:00---Mathhelp's father returns home from work, loudly complaining about "damn fucking Kerry and his fucking faggot-loving politics." He sits down his sons and explains to them that God hates fags. Mathhelp begins asking provoking questions like "Who is Kerry?" and "What is AIDS?" after his father explains that Kerry and his fags will be cured by AIDS.
4:00---Mathhelp's younger brother turns on Jeopardy, at which point his father slaps him for "puttin on that liberal book shit." Mathhelp laughs and says "yeah!"
5:00---The family sits down to a wonderful meal of more Spaghetti-Os.
6:00---Mathhelp logs onto XOXO and opens a thread entitled "Bush single-handedly captures terrorist supsects in Pakistan," written in a lucid and convincing prose by bothered. Mathhelp sees that a person who has been reading about the Pakistani intelligence capabilities has written a lengthy post detailing the lack of U.S. assistance to Pakistani intelligence, when bothered responds with "saddam was bad." Mathhelp smiles at how well the person was put in their place, so he responds with "yes, that can't argue against that."
8:00---Mathhelp's family gather around the TV to watch O'Reilly. They all pat each other on the back during the segment on President Bush's speech in which he says that terrorism must be stopped. "See," says Mathhelp's loving patriarch, "that's the shit these Ay-rab loving Kerry supporters don't understand." mathhelp's younger brother then asks "Yes, but perhaps we should take into account Arab cultural factors. For example, I read that history has proven that the best way to engage Arabs is through a..." at which point he is slapped by his father for "talking that book shit."
9:00---Mathhelp logs onto XOXO one last time to ask questions like "Who's that?" "What are you referring to?" "What are you saying?" "What did he say?" and then post brilliant musings like "9-11 made the world different" "Saddam killed people" "Iraq wants to be free" and "The government kills terrorists." Pudsmack asks Mathhelp how he interprets current U.S. action against provincial Shiite rulers in Iraq against the historical backdrop of British action in Iraq during the 1930s. Mathhelp says that "Saddam killed his own people. Or didnt' you know that?"
10:00---Mathhelp crawls into bed with his brothers, while Mathhelp's dad explains to them that Mexicans are stealing jobs, that gays are trying to break up Christianity, and that Bush is working by Jesus' hand.
10:30---Mathhelp falls into the tranquil calm of sleep, having lived yet another day where he not once touches a book, thinks for himself, forms any thought that we might call 'deep', explores the world beyond his limited scope of vision, ruminates on opposing viewpoints, questions the propaganda of authority figures, or tries to improve himself in his thoughts and character.
Date: August 22nd, 2004 10:09 PM Author: tantric legend
Your enemies are people who are opposed to you in your personal beliefs. Mathhelp's enemies are those designated as such by the ideology of his parents and peers. You have thought about who your enemies are and why they are such; he has blindly accepted it without thought.
I don't care about anyone's beliefs, it's whether they were obtained by rational thought or just spoon-fed.
Date: August 22nd, 2004 10:34 PM Author: tantric legend
Well, had I known that intelligent people frequented this forum, I would have had more such parts, instead of keeping in mind the appreciation of low humor found among the rabble of APGuy, jude, etc.
Date: August 23rd, 2004 12:26 AM Author: diverse mildly autistic locale Subject: In defense of my sometimes low and often crude humor,
I'd like to point out how this is quite reflective of our almost diametrically opposed senses of conceit. While you often point out how you're so above everyone, I've come to realize that there is much to be learned from even those you would dismiss as base. Similarly, I feel we shan't dismiss simple humor merely because it doesn't make us step back and examine ourselves, or gasp in awe at the irony of it all.
It's often easiest to dismiss things we can't quite explain, and I really think that's what you're doing here. No, I'm not saying you can't understand low humor; on the contrary, for its universality would not allow it. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you joke around with your friends in such a manner or hoard Three Stooges tapes in your home (your little shame will be our little secret). There is some undeniable, unidentifyable thing that makes low humor great, admit or not, pudsmack.
Date: August 23rd, 2004 12:57 AM Author: diverse mildly autistic locale Subject: I want to make love to your handwriting.
Those oval o's are undoubtedly an excellent match to my lengthy shaft. I'd like to run my meat along the smooth curves of those perfect w's as the constricted loops of the e's accomodate my adroit tongue.
Date: September 20th, 2004 2:05 PM Author: narrow-minded degenerate
That was my favorite part, too, though I confess I am uncomfortable with a board member being raked on for the amusement of others (and also umcomfortable about my own evil that must lurk within as even feeling this story was nasty and hurtful to another, I still couldn't help but giggle several times, and I apologize to Mathhelp for that).
It seems to me that Pud thinks Mathhelp not very bright, and while I don't know Mathhelp well enough to comment much on his intellect, my guess is that Pud is quite a bit higher on the IQ scale. I've never felt it nice for tall kids to pick on little kids as it's not a fair match.
So Pud, and remember I still love and adore you even though I confess I can't support your hurting a fellow board member here, do you feel it fair for you to do a beautifully biting commentary on the day in the life of someone when you feel that the person couldn't begin to match the wit to fight back?
We're not all given gifts. As I have noted, I was sure born with none other than the typical decent health and ability to know a good marriage pick from a crummy one. But you have a fantastic gift of wit and word. When someone has a gift, I've never felt they owe it to society to use it for society's good, but I have on the flip side felt they should at least not use it to cause harm.
I know humor to be so important to health and happiness, but really admire it far more when it isn't at someone else's expense, especially someone who didn't ask to be ridiculed (or did he and I just missed it?) and sure isn't doing something to gain fame and fortune to place him in the "expect to be given grief" pool. Okay, sorry to be mothering you. Sigh. I just wish you could do a piece where you are funny and *complimentary* (okay, yeah, I guess you tried that already when you said nice stuff about me that isn't seen as true by most of us, but you could try again with someone else, right?). Let's be honest, it would be far more challenging as it's easier to be funny and mean than funny and nice. But I have confidence in you being up for the challenge. Go for it. :)
And really (okay, here comes the mother in me again), if Mathhelp didn't do something to instigate this story here, you might want to apologize (only if it's heartfelt - I'm not for saying your sorry just to appease others). Life is too short to be tall on mean.