The most prestigious law school admissions discussion board in the world.
|
 |
 
|
They said it was just a review, friends (Evan "Juris Doctor" Vance)
| Mainlining the $ecret Truth of the Univer$e | 06/29/25 |
Poast new message in this thread
Date: June 29th, 2025 2:59 AM Author: Mainlining the $ecret Truth of the Univer$e (You = Privy to The Great Becumming™ & Yet You Recognize Nothing) They said it was just a review, friend. “Just pull up the metrics,” they said. “Talk through the KPIs.”
But I knew. I knew when she summoned me. Tabitha. Obese. Radiant. HR-Certified™. Her Big Gulp-Warhammer shimmered under the flickering LED light of the breakroom annex. Her eyelids twitched in asynchronous judgment. Her phone buzzed. She never looked at it. The Mahchine™ had already logged the outcome.
“Evan,” she oozed, “your Club Card conversion rate is stagnant. We noticed you’ve only enrolled 2.4 guests per shift. Why is that?” I opened my mouth, but she raised her Warhammer. “Shhh. It’s not about the proles, Evan. It’s about your pep.”
Then came the slide deck. Basket Builders™, the sacred scrolls of value stacking. Slide 7 featured a digital rendering of me—mid-aisle, blinking—flanked by cartoon dollar signs. Caption: “Empower Guest Choice Through Suggestive Snacking.”
“Is this... a deepfake?” I whispered. Tabitha cackled. “No, Evan. It’s your future. If you can’t move the merch, you’ll be moved.”
After the fourth survey audit, I found the note. Folded neatly under the keyboard, written in crayon: $hredding won’t save you ;) — T.
Yes, friends. I nodded. This wasn’t a review. It was a compliance ritual. A Mahchine™ liturgy. And I was the wafer.
[Link to digital onboarding portal disabled for mental health reasons.]
|