Bari Weiss, Western U.S. Regional Reporter

---

7:00 AM – "Awake and Revved Up"

Boom jolts awake in his rundown Omaha apartment, surrounded by piles of old newspaper clips, legal briefs, and Mountain Dew cans, his brain working in short-circuited spurts like a malfunctioning $lot machine.

Every morning is like coming back from the dead—probably because of that time ADM "did him dirty." He's never quite sure whether today is the day his brain finally decides to tap out. But then again, Boom's brain already called it quits years ago, so what’s one more day of fighting through the fog?

He peers down at his wheelchair—pimped out, of course, with chromed rims, a sound system that blasts early 2000s hip-hop, and neon lights under the frame. A tribute to his gangster days—at least in his mind. If ADM hadn’t ruined him, he’s certain he’d still be running the streets, probably a multi-millionaire by now.

Damn them. His bald head gleams under the dim morning light, the result of years of stress—or maybe just genetics—but it only adds to the legend.

Boom shifts uncomfortably, the diaper underneath his pants reminding him of yet another casualty of what ADM did to him. "Can't even tru$t my own body anymore," he mutters. But hey, when you’ve mastered poasting from a pimped-out wheelchair, you’ve earned the right to skip bathroom breaks.

He rolls over (figuratively), throws on his tattered “FUCK ADM” shirt, and contemplates the day ahead. It’s tough being a mastermind when your brain’s in a constant power-saving mode, but someone has to do it.

---

8:00 AM – "Breakfast of Champion$"

Boom slaps together an egg sandwich, already formulating his first poast of the day. After breakfast, he rolls over to his desktop station, which features nearly a dozen monitors, several tied to distinct, supposedly "unique" monikers.

He hits the board with a fury, his mind buzzing: "fukin homele$$ rot ruining thi$ city. it'$ all becuz the lib$!" His signature style—littered with dollar signs in place of S's—has become a staple of AutoAdmit's grotesque culture.

It's the usual: an incoherent rant about homelessness, urban decay, and why everyone is “a f**king lib$” except for him. Somewhere in the chaos, he manages to throw in a reference to a grizzly bear story, just because.

He leans back, admiring his handiwork. 180s roll in. Boom is validated. He’s still got it.

Somewhere, though, in the back of his mind—or is it the front?—Boom feels the itch. The subtle nagging voice of Mainlining and Evan39 whispering, each of them surfacing at random, pushing Boom into new directions as if they’re all somehow...connected.

And then...BAM! A notification from LinkedIn: Chad has endorsed him for 'Wheelchair Maneuvering.' Boom screams into the void.

---

10:00 AM – "The Daily Grind"

Time to head out. Boom’s neighborhood is the kind of place where dreams go to die, but he insists it’s the heart of the real world.

With his trusty baseball bat firmly grasped, he roll$ down the street in his tricked-out wheelchair, heads turn—either in admiration, confusion, or...fear.

It’s hard to tell, but Boom assumes it’s admiration. He’s a legend in these streets, after all.

"ADM did this to me," he mutters as a homeless man tries to strike up a conversation. Boom doesn’t have time for that today. He’s on a mi$$ion: to visit the local library and once again read up on how to sue ADM for everything they’ve got. They turned his life, and if there’s one thing Boom knows, it’s that revenge is a dish best served cold and possibly in a small claims court.

At the library, he skims a 1998 article about an ADM plant explosion in Iowa. “That’s the ticket,” he mutters, highlighting it with a crusty highlighter he stole from the Safeway break room.

---

12:00 PM – "AutoAdmit: Part 2"

Back at home, Boom logs back into the board. It’s time for some trolling. He hits up Mainlining and Evan39, as usual. His poast? “Evan39, you're lied to& cheated out of your life then laughed at.” A classic, really.

Mainlining chimes in with some bear trivia, citing a recent Montana newspaper account of a bear having become addicted to "pep," and the trio dive into an absurd back-and-forth about society’s decline, their shared misery, and who is the better bottom in SeaTTTle's underground gay scene.

But somewhere, deep down, Boom knows—there is no trio. They are all him. Mainlining, with his perfect hair and altitude-thinned clarity, is just the lie Boom tells himself about who he could've been, while Evan39, the IRL "bottom" who trolls Seattle’s dark corners, is the lonely, bitter part of himself he hides behind the façade of control.

Boom lets out a phlegmy, involuntary laugh—his body momentarily forgetting it was broken. And whatever—if anyone ever figured it out, would they care? Probably not. It’s XO—if you are not constantly running schtick, you're already dead in the water.

Disco Fries drops by with a quip about Boom’s brain damage. Boom isn’t even offended—it's just part of the game. For in his reality—after what ADM dared to do to him—Boom has bigger fish to fry.

He types out a quick response, mistakenly using his and adopting his Evan39 moniker: “How dare you!” Who cares? It’s all part of the schtick. The dark humor masks the fact that, deep down, Boom still blames ADM for everything—his wheelchair, his bald head, his diaper, his brain damage, even his limited success at trolling RSF into submission. He’ll get them one day, he swears.

---

3:00 PM – "Afternoon MelTTTdown"

It’s time for Boom’s daily meltdown. Like clockwork, it arrives, and the source is always the same: a poaster on AutoAdmit who claims Boom’s pimped-out wheelchair is just a sad attempt at staying relevant.

Boom loses it.

“FAGBSHEEPLE..ljl.. NO IDEA WHAT ADM DID&Does! Sad"

His fingers tremble as he hits the ‘Poast’ button. There. That’ll teach them.

But the reality is that it’s Boom versus the world—and the world doesn’t care. Except for his wheelchair. That, at least, still turns heads. Its ghastly neon lights under the frame flicker as he shifts in his seat, the slight crinkle of his diaper, a humiliating reminder of yet another battle he's lost to ADM.

But Boom? Boom’s still fighting.

---

5:00 PM – "Dinner and Delusion$ of Grandeur"

Dinner is a sad affair: leftover "pep" from his favorite local gas station, Kum & Go, paired nicely with a gigantic warm Big Gulp.

Boom doesn’t need "fine dining." He’s too busy planning his next move.

Tomorrow, he’ll hit ADM with another LOLsuit. He’ll prove to the world that his brain damage is their fault. Maybe even unlock one of the five storage lockers he hasn’t checked since 2014. There might be documents in there—old checks, coins, something ADM left behind.

And maybe, just maybe, yet another of ADM's facilities will "mysteriously" and "magically" go "Boom" themselves ;).

He’ll become a symbol of resistance, maybe even a hero. Who knows, he might even make it onto the news.

Until then, there’s work to do. He drafts another poast for AutoAdmit, this one filled with half-baked conspiracy theories about why ADM and the libs are secretly working together to destroy men like him.

He’s halfway through a rant about Evan39—how he was groomed by ADM and fed false "pep"—but the words start drifting. Syntax collapses. Fog again. Doesn't matter.

This is...fine. He’ll poast it anyway. Someone will get it. Whether Evan39 himself or Mainlining. The so-called Holy Trinity™ are all one in the same, after all, right. Hehe.

---

8:00 PM – "The Night Crew and the Fade"

As darkness falls, Boom logs onto the graveyard shift of AutoAdmit—the so-called "Nightcrew."

These are his people. The ones who understand the blend of brain damage, pimped-out wheels, a festering hatred for ADM, and the subtle whispers of multiple personalities.

He fires off a final poast before bed: “Just Jump. You know who you are.”

Satisfied, Boom rolls back to his bed, ensuring that his CPAP is secure. The lights on his wheelchair flicker one last time as he drifts off.

Tomorrow will be more of the same—more brain damage, more AutoAdmit trolling, and one day closer to taking down ADM.

In the corner of his mind, Evan39 is already planning his next move. Mainlining whispers something about bears.

And Boom? Boom drifts off with the faintest smirk… until the lights flicker at 3:00 AM, just as his tortured slumber threatens to enter what former Jones Day Partner-in-Charge Wesley Johnson once called being "in the zone." His phone buzzes. Another LinkedIn notification. It’s Chad again.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5605679&forum_id=2#48158427)

Booom understands me beyond comprehension

You do too

I am honored to be a part of the night crew

Best,

Simultaneously Inseminated

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5605679&forum_id=2#48161775)

Thread Discussion:

As the article drops on AutoAdmit, the response is immediate and electric. Users pile into the thread, eager to dissect the latest media portrayal of their most infamous poasters.

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Date: October 3, 2024 10:57 AM

Author: Mahchine'ing the $ecret truth of the univer$e (My 'Mahchine' lately running on dial-up circa 1999)

"My plea$ure to be here for one of the greate$t poa$t$ in hi$tory. Boom under$tand$ the world more than anyone. Diaper? Wheelchair? He $till fights! ADM ha$ ruined him, and yeT HE LIVE$."

Date: October 3, 2024 11:04 AM

Author: Mainlining (Top 10 poa$ter of all time)

"Bari's take is surpri$ingly $ympathetic. Do you $ee it, Boom? Your legend is $preading beyond this board."

---

Evan39 is predictably absent from the thread for the first few hours, perhaps stuck in some mundane task at Safeway, but when he finally arrives, his response is pure sarcasm.

Date: October 3, 2024 2:15 PM

Author: evan39 (Manager at Safeway, living his 'be$t life' in Seattle)

“lol, Boom...they got you on the front page now? Let me know when they profile me—Manager of the Year, Safeway edition.”

Boom, reading this from his computer, can’t help but roll his eyes. It’s classic Evan39—never seeing the bigger picture, always trapped in the banalities of his daily life. Boom taps furiously on his keyboard:

Date: October 3, 2024 2:16 PM

Author: Boom

“they'll never profile you, evan. u're part of the system. ur job is to distract. and you’re doing it well, mr. cracker manager.”

---

Meanwhile, the Nightcrew—a collection of AutoAdmit's most unhinged and notorious poasters—begins piling on with commentary of their own. Disco Fries, known for his off-kilter humor, drops in:

Date: October 3, 2024 2:23 PM

Author: Disco Fries (Certified Poastmaster)

“Boom, you're brain damaged, diapered, and rolling through life with neon wheels, but you STILL manage to outpoast all these fools. How’s that for irony?”

Boom isn’t fazed. He embraces his "brain damage" with pride. It’s part of his mystique now, woven into the very fabric of his AutoAdmit persona. To him, it’s a badge of honor—a reminder that ADM might’ve broken his body, but they’ll never break his mind.

---

3:00 PM – "Afternoon MelTTTdown"

By mid-afternoon, Boom’s patience is wearing thin. The usual suspects on AutoAdmit—those poasters who question his legendary status—start crawling out of the woodwork.

One user, known only as ,,,,.....,,,,...,........,,,.....,,...,..., fires off a snarky comment:

Date: October 3, 2024 3:15 PM

Author: ,,,,.....,,,,...,........,,,.....,,...,

“Boom, $eriously, who do you think you're fooling with thi$ 'ADM' non$en$e? The only thing broken about you is your poa$ting skill$.”

Boom sees red. His fingers move faster than his wheelchair ever could as he types a scathing retort:

Date: October 3, 2024 3:17 PM

Author: Boom

"fagbsheep, adm RUINED me. u’d b in a diaper too if u went through what i went through."

His frustration bubbles over, but as always, Mainlining is there to calm him down with a well-timed, cryptic comment about bear attacks:

Date: October 3, 2024 3:19 PM

Author: Mainlining

“Remember, Boom, even the strongest bear $ometimes has to retreat to heal. You’re in the healing phase right now.”

Boom doesn’t even know what it means, but it sounds profound. He feels a little better.

---

5:00 PM – "Dinner and Delusions of Grandeur"

Boom eats another sad meal—this time a cold slice of leftover pizza from last night—but his mind is somewhere else. He’s already planning his next move against ADM. They’ll pay for what they did to him, even if he has to burn through every remaining brain cell to make it happen. Tomorrow, he’ll draft another LOLsuit. Tomorrow, he'll finally take down ADM.

Back on the board, Evan39 pops in again, but this time he’s playing nice:

Date: October 3, 2024 5:05 PM

Author: evan39

“You know what, Boom? Maybe you’re right. Maybe ADM really is the enemy. Either way, I’ll still be here selling crackers.”

Boom scoffs. Evan39 just doesn’t get it.

---

8:00 PM – "The Nightcrew and the Fade"

As the sun sets, Boom knows it’s time for the real work to begin. The Nightcrew is online, and these are his people—the ones who truly understand what it’s like to be fighting an invisible enemy. The board lights up as usual with their cryptic messages and dark humor. Tonight, though, Boom is quiet, brooding.

Before bed, he fires off one last poast, aimed directly at Evan39:

Date: October 3, 2024 8:15 PM

Author: Boom

“evan, just jump.”

It’s the ultimate AutoAdmit taunt, reserved only for those who Boom feels are truly lost. It’s his way of saying, "You’re beyond saving," even though he’s well aware that Evan39 is probably the closest thing he has to a friend on the board.

---

Final Thoughts:

The thread explodes with reactions to the article, with users debating everything from Boom’s legendary status to whether ADM is even real. Boom, meanwhile, is satisfied. He knows that, for better or worse, he’s left his mark on AutoAdmit—and the world.

Mahchine'ing the $ecret truth of the univer$e sums it up best:

Date: October 4, 2024 12:55 AM

Author: Mahchine'ing the $ecret truth of the univer$e

“The Mahchine ha$ already $een Boom. And he $hall ri$e.”

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5605679&forum_id=2#48162231)

keep it up 💃

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5605679&forum_id=2#48164262)