Date: June 23rd, 2025

Author: Evan "Juris Doctor" Vance

"They" said it was just a memo.

“Prep the Gulf-region drone disclosure draft for White House optics,” they chirped.

“No pressure. Just loop in the phrasing POTUS likes, friend :)”

That’s how I ended up back at Mar-a-Lago Theater, redrafting a kill report in a rented conference room while Trump, three shrimp cocktails deep, held court across the ballroom.

“EVAN! Why does it say ‘splash radius’ here? SO negative. NOBODY WANTS 'RADIUS.' Nobody even likes radius. Make it say… 'patriot water release.' Much better.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And what is this about a civilian skiff? I don’t like it. Makes me think of tuna. Sad tuna. Say it was a rogue maritime actor. That’s strong.”

“Yes, $ir.”

“Oh—and that hummus? From $afeway? Amazing. Pine nuts, great texture. Reminds me of the oil deals we SHOULD have made, frankly. We had the best deals. Now we have… hummus. Still good. Still good.”

“Yes, sir.”

The incident? A drone tagged a fishing boat as oil-adjacent, then launched a “vision-corrective” round.

Two survivors. One floated face-down for thirty minutes.

My job? “Recast the incident as a pro-democracy gesture.”

Mid-draft, the Mahchine™ rebooted.

The DoD portal froze.

A second window appeared: “POTUS EDITING LIVE”

The cursor began sweeping:

“Visibility anomaly” → “optical freedom event”

“Probable misfire” → “very accurate patriot expression”

“Iranian territorial breach” → “pre-sanctioned navigational success”

Then he added a line himself:

“Beautiful strike. Gorgeous. Everyone’s talking about it. Even Iran. 🇺🇸💦🔥”

And a smiley face :). With sunglasses.

Ghastly.

I mutter: “Sir, this isn’t… compliant...”

He winked. “Compliance? Evan, we don’t do 'compliance,' you twink-fag! We DOMINATE it. Write THAT down.”

Then softer: “Anyway, if it leaks, blame 'Biden.' Fuck it - say it was 'Obama.' ACTUALLY, SCRATCH THAT - say it was BOTH. People love that.”

I nodded.

Somewhere, Tabitha’s obese face shimmered on the edge of the screen, licking hummus from her Warhammer, whispering "$hredding won’t save you ;)"

Later that night, a Post-it appeared on my desk:

“Rework drone strike into Independence Day sizzle reel. Add Lee Greenwood. Edit out blood if possible. If not, add flag transparency. DJT.”

Gold Sharpie.

2:31 AM. The drone feed refreshed.

Two new vessels.

One labeled: “THREAT ADJACENT”

The other: “PEACE VESSEL 873”

Pop-up: “OVERRIDE REQUESTED BY EXECUTIVE USER: TRUMP_GUEST_WIFI”

I paused.

Trump was still in the ballroom.

Shirt unbuttoned. Hair limp from heat.

Ranting to a stunned delegation of Kuwaiti investors: “You know what the Strait needs? A ca$ino. Nobody ever talks about that. Call it 'The Freedom Current.' Classy. Ta$teful. We do a drone show every night. BOOM. People love it. Gorgeous strikes. Beautiful.”

Then he saw me. “VANCE! Hit the button. Let’s give ‘em a firework show!! Like Lincoln would've done!”

I clicked APPROVE.

The screen went white.

Somewhere, Lee Greenwood began to play.

A LinkedIn alert pinged: “Congrats, Evan 'Juris Doctor' Vance. You’ve been endorsed for: 'Strategic Ambiguity, Crisis Branding, and Partner Track Optics.'”

As the echo of the strike faded into the satellite hum, I whispered:

Yes friends. This is fine.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5742440&forum_id=2#49044098)