Good writers: Fix this clunky sentence I can't seem to fix
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Poast new message in this thread
Date: April 30th, 2021 9:52 AM Author: Doobsian lodge
“As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C. D was a passenger in C’s car at the time.”
Would break up the sentences. Your original sentence isn’t terrible though.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376145) |
Date: April 30th, 2021 9:59 AM Author: honey-headed field roommate
This suggestion isn't meant to be used word for word, just generally to give you the right idea on how to handle this sort of thing, please develop as part of an exercise in your own development as a lawyer. Really need to break this into clauses that explain everything.
As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed a car driven by C and containing D as a passenger.
WHEREAS A, B, C, and D are human persons domiciled in Jurisdiction Y
WHEREAS X is a certain area in Jurisdiction Y
WHEREAS A, B, and C are legally authorized to operate motor vehicles ("cars" and each individual such vehicle a "car")
WHEREAS on that certain date, A, B, and C were operating cars.
WHEREAS on that certain date, D was a passenger in the car operated by C.
Now, therefore be it resolved, on that certain date, the aforementioned cars traversed on intersecting paths in Area X.
[I assume by "passed" you mean "passed" as in "they passed by each other while headed in different directions," revise if you mean they were going the same way and A/B's cars passed/overtook C's car.]
Please handle and recirculate, thanks.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376176) |
Date: April 30th, 2021 10:01 AM Author: Heady effete hell
i hate this crap
As A and B were driving in the X area, they passed by D driving with C.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376197) |
Date: April 30th, 2021 10:06 AM Author: Curious cobalt immigrant
you have to make it more exciting. keep the reader interested.
"Where did this take place? In X. And what happened in X? A and B were together in a car. And what did that car do? Why it passed by another car, a car driven by C. And was C alone in that second car? No, no C was not. C was with D. That's right. A and B passed C and D. It's all true."
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376212) |
Date: April 30th, 2021 10:40 AM Author: Sapphire mental disorder regret
A and B, as was their custom from time to time, were engaged in that most fanciful of modern hobbies, navigation of modern paved roads in a device propelled by an internal combustion engine, whence, they happened to pass by and through the X area. It was delightful that time of year and a welcome respite from their usual tiresome surroundings. And, as fate or chance, or even perhaps the Muses had it, another fellow engaged in the very same hobby happened by. Of course, known to them, and combustion engine navigators the State over, twas C along with D. Both were fair fellows and known to A and B. As custom would insist they happened both to notice and acknowledge each other, hobbyists in the same pursuit as they were.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376358) |
Date: April 30th, 2021 10:45 AM Author: Diverse step-uncle's house multi-billionaire
400 km/h, 450 km/h, 500 km/h, 550 km/h; A could feel the force of the acceleration pressing him against the sport bucket seats of his Turbo Allegra Mk. 2, their soft, well-sourced alcantara cosseting his tightly leather chapped legs, the micromechanical motors within instantaneously adjusting to each minor perturbation in the vehicle's three-axis orientation to keep him perfectly balanced, its SWIFT systems scanning kilometers ahead of them in real-time and predictively modulating the various electromagnetic and anti-kinetic shielding systems in order to protect their passage as they rocketed upward toward the gateway to area X--area X, the Sacred Seat of Cybernetic Heaven, its secrets whispering to the hovels of his birthplace below, beckoning brave boys with the Siren Song: "Come, Unlock Our Treasurehosue of Wonder or Die Trying"; "It's a goddamn marvel--" that was B, his copilot jockey, in the seat beside him--he'd always liked the tech stuff, engineered things were his jig and jive and the natural knack he'd expressed for them had been evident since his Fourth Year when he'd spontaneously programmed a molecular excavator during off time while the rest of the class was at the playground; he and B had been practicing for this for over three years, secretive sessions when the sensor rings slipped from alignment every third week on Sunday for maintena--"we have a fucking BOGEY at 3 o'clock HIGH!" B screamed, interrupting his meditation on the past--the systems of the Allegra were fast, but B was faster and he'd spotted the incoming a split second before the computerized indication of the same: "Warning, SWIFT has detected an intrusion in the third--" he cut off the computer; he knew what he needed to know: C was moving to intercept them in his Outrigger, accompanied by D; they'd planned for this eventuality, both the conflict itself and the psychology of facing your own brother and cousin 45 kilometers up in the air, each precise maneuver tiptoeing on the razor thin edge between life and death, a minute miscalculation capable of throwing you off the wrong side into a fiery midair death--there was something poignant about it, the notion that he could die up here in an instant and to his friends and family in the warrens of Bressville below, toiling through their daily tasks with no comprehension of the enormous aerial pageantry above them, his life could blot out with no greater signifier than a vanishing spot of light in the sky; he banished the thought of this and other things as he shouted in the cockpit "let's smoke these fuckers" and pushed down hard on the throttle, the frame of the Allegra bending, straining, complying with the command as they soared to meet the enemy head on, he and B laughing aloud at the thrill of it all.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376393) |
Date: April 30th, 2021 11:24 AM Author: Alcoholic Prole Native
Haven’t read any of the replies, so someone else may have made the same suggestion, but I’d go with:
While driving in the X area, A & B passed a car containing C (driver) and D (passenger).
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42376651) |
Date: April 30th, 2021 1:28 PM Author: Harsh Olive Plaza Digit Ratio
andy and brad were driving around brooklyn when they passed carl and dave in their car.
this doesn't define who is driving and who is riding though.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4823221&forum_id=2#42377449)
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