Date: September 14th, 2021 5:40 PM
Author: Vigorous pink heaven karate
this is from the end of the Norm MacDonald Live episode with Stephen Merchant, which is without exaggeration the funniest thing I've ever seen. netflix bought the rights and took it down everywhere when norm got his netflix show. He had been fucking with Merchant the whole episode, says something to the effect of "Let's finish on a high note," and tells this joke.
when my nephew johnny was in first grade, his teacher asked the class to share some stories they had heard and what the message of the story was. little suzy put up her hand to go first. "my dad works at the hatchery. his job is to bring the eggs from the farms to the hatchery to grow into chickens. one day, he overloaded the egg bucket in his truck. when the truck hit a bump in the road, the bucket fell over and all the eggs broke."
"and what is the message from the story?"
"the message of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."
"very good, suzy. who would like to go next?" young jane merriwether put up her hand. "go ahead jane."
"my dad also works at the hatchery." most of the adults in town worked at the hatchery. thank god for the hatchery.
"he's an accountant. not long after he first started, he made a mistake. he told the store in town how many chickens they could have based on the number of eggs at the hatchery. but not all of the eggs hatched, and the hatchery didnt have enough chickens for the store."
"and what was the message of that story Jane?"
"don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"very good, Jane. who's next, class?"
My nephew put up his hand. The teacher didn't want to call on him. He was a rough boy. His daddy didn't work at the hatchery. But no one else would put up their hand. Finally the teacher said "Go ahead john."
"well maam, this is a story about my uncle terry. when he was just a young man, he got a football scholarship to the big school in state. he was going to be the first one in our family to go to college. but just before he was supposed to go off to play football, he got drafted to the infantry in viet nam."
"well terry was fast, and he was strong, and he was mean. and he was bitter. and he was sent to kill, and by god he came to find he was good at it. uncle terry was so good at killing they put him in a special unit. but the more he killed, the worse he got. and he got to drinking. the other men in his unit - boys, really - didn't like terry. and terry got so bad he wasn't just killing men any more. it got so terry was killing women, children, even babies."
"and so one night, the men in terry's unit had had enough. and while terry slept, they left him alone in the jungle, with just his weapons and his whiskey.
when terry woke up he howled with rage. he drank all the whiskey he had left, enough to last the unit a month, and went looking for the men that had betrayed him. but instead, he came upon a town. all the men were off fighting, but terry lined up all the old people, all the women, all the children, and all the babies. and then terry started shooting. and shooting. he killed them all, one by one, howling and screaming, as his boots filled with the blood and the brains and the guts of the innocent."
"...my god johnny. what an awful story. what could possibly be the message of a story like that?"
"maam, when uncle terry's been drinking, you don't fuck with him."
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4921714&forum_id=2#43116572)