i have also heard the sounds of children crying in the dead of night, outside having a cigarette in the backyard. this was dead of night, there was nobody around.

i have heard people screaming obscenities at me through my window, as if they are right next to the window, when there was obviously nobody doing that.

i have heard sounds of battlefield laying down at night.

i have seen shadows having sex, which felt like the most evil thing i have ever felt.

i have seen some kind of black monster in my closet. i have seen black hands in my closet. i have seen people that look absolutely real just stand there, or hover, in my closet, not looking at anything in particular, with open eyes. i have seen two beautiful women just be there in my closet, and then turn towards each other, in some sort of digital manner. i have seen television programs that make no sense transmitted into my mind from some other dimension when i closed my eyes. i have experienced feelings of utter evil projected back at me from everyday objects transformed into demonic forms. i experienced my entire basement turning into such forms, first the carpet, then the speakers, then the television, and then finally the shadows appeared on my wall and started having intercourse, standing up. it was unspeakably evil.

i have seen the face of the devil appear to me on the ground. i have seen images of the devil from a book i read. i have seen images of a person being crucified. i have seen images of a person with wings fly out of a coffin. i have seen a skull appear on my lamp stand.

these are the highlights. meth is some kind of demonic portal to hell itself. it makes you ok with everything, you can be sitting in shit and you will be alright with it if you are high on meth. you could be losing your soul and you would be alright with it. you could see your children eaten, and after taking a few puffs of the meth pipe, you would be alright. you could literally be facing immanent death, and after a few puffs of the meth pipe, you would be alright. it solves every problem that is perceived or felt as such in your mind, something erases your real self and transposes a new reality on you, something keeps you up and holds you up, suddenly, as if by magic. it just pacifies your soul completely, and gives you ability to engage in any activity that your heart wants to do, but then it drills it into you in a crooked way, much more than you would have naturally wanted to, it overcooks you, gives you so much to digest that you become too full of it, whatever it is, and then eventually your mind twists and bends so much that you are no longer the same person that did meth the first time, you are now hollowed out of your soul, there is only a shell of a human being left, having sold his soul to the devil.

this is all true information, i do not lie or exaggerate.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5021566&forum_id=2#43887321)

meth is the devil. that's how i got into it at first, i read it was good for sexual pleasure, and boy they sure got that right, it is, at first. i masturbated for probably close to 24 hours without moving at all from my chair, not even to change position or lift a leg to stretch. in fact, i developed some kind of neurological damage in my left thigh where i couldn't feel it so well anymore from sitting and masturbating for 24 hours without repose, high on meth. this was back in the days when i first started. in fact, it was probably the first or second time i did this high on meth. i still masturbated for a whole day on meth for a few months after that. at this point, masturbation on meth has become much worse than it was normally. the devil has won. he took more from me, much more, than he gave initially. what he gave wasn't mine to take, and that's why what was mine has been taken instead and im left as a shell of what i was. and now i have to quit meth, and so we will see just what kind of a shell of a person i am about to become. last time i tried quitting, i was on day 2 and i did not have enough motivation to do anything, i could not watch anything for more than a minute or read even a page of anything. and i could not just sit there either, there is no sense of peace that people take for granted. a certain amount of tranquility is required to simply be, and that became absent for me completely. there was only a state of discontent and insufficient base level of happiness to just allow oneself to be guided by something to bring things to them, things to their attention, or find motivation to engage in activities. i was no longer a human being, i was just something that has no wants or needs, but is simply alive, without a sense of rest or peace. the walking dead you could say, but the dead have rest, as they say rest in peace, without peace you cannot rest, and without rest you are not dead, you are alive for no reason.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5021566&forum_id=2#43887406)

i was a bit disturbed. i guess i overreacted. 2 hours of pleasurable aftershocks to my soft penis after cumming the most pleasurable way i ever imagined on meth.

its ok though, now i must pay for it. life is fair.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5021566&forum_id=2#44725399)

i have voices in my head telling me stuff like "if you live or die, i dont give a fuck", "you arent going to sleep tonight", "you are going to lie under the covers wishing for death after im through with you", and "im going to kill you", and stuff like "i am the devil, but dont call me the devil", "voices in your head, voices in your head", "drugs are bad for you", "i dont give a fuck", ...etc

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5021566&forum_id=2#44725413)

beezlebub is what we call the devil. beelzebub is the real name, but i made a mistake and called it beezlebub, and the voices ran with it, and i tried to correct them but they like to use the word beezlebub, i guess because it sounds cuter, i dont know. but essentially they were telling me, in so few words, that ive lost my battle with the devil.

you can check out what beelzebub means btw, its another name for the devil in the bible.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5021566&forum_id=2#44725445)

so i took mdma (ecstasy) one time and just went out walking in the streets of my downtown. i met some dude just sitting on the pavement and we started chatting. we decided to go to some store to just walk around, but it was closed. we then headed off to a 7/11, and i met a bum near it. he had some interesting thing hanging off his backpack and i commented on it. i think it was some switch blade knife. so i start chatting with this homeless dude and this other dude i just met and all three of us just start walking around chatting. then i tell them i got more mdma at home i can get you some if you'd like, and they obliged. i went home and brought some to them, and we all took mdma. so i started hanging out with this dude i met and this homeless person just walking around on the street and then the homeless dude went to a homeless shelter to talk to somebody, meanwhile me and this dude i just met followed him around. this homeless guy kept talking about magic and dragons and all kinds of crazy shit. more on this later, but this dude thinks he can move objects with his mind, he claimed he tripped on dmt hundreds of times, and that he understands what reality really is (he said this level of reality we inhabit is hell). turns out this homeless dude likes to smoke meth. i hung out for a few hours with him and had a good time, ended up sleeping near the homeless shelter after hanging out with homeless people all day long high on mdma. i bought some heroin while i was hanging out with them and did some with some not half-bad looking homeless chick at night while laying next to her outside, it was summertime. so i spend all night there and when i wake up, i started going home and wondering the streets, after having a bad "hangover" from my mdma comedown and the heroin, which the heroin kinda fixed but fucked my body up completely, i went through the grinder. then i decided its not time to head home yet and started wondering the streets, and saw a homeless person at a spot near a store where homeless people hang out, he waved to me because he met me on mdma beforehand, and i started hanging out with them, having a smoke. then i tell them im really tired from my mdma comedown, and this dude tells me smoke this, and bare in mind, im in a completely fucked up mental state where im STILL hanging out with homeless people hours, like even a day later, so i say ok i will smoke it. it was meth. but anyways, that thing made me alert and jittery for hours later. i was walking the streets high on heroin and meth and on a mdma comedown. it was not a pleasant experience. i was shaking like a leaf. my body was telling me to just give it up already and go home and sleep it off. so i eventually made it back home and got some good needed rest.

anyways, i am doing mdma about a month or so later, and im at the casino on mdma, talking to random strangers in the smoke pit area, and eventually my comedown starts and so i decide to go home. as im leaving home, i decide to take a strange pathway that i never took before, along some back alleys. and lo and behold, who is in the back alley just sitting there chilling with some homeless women. its my homeless crazy guy who smokes meth. i didnt know he smoked meth at that point. but he says hi, and im on my comedown and so kind of vulnurable again. i start chatting with him and we decide to walk together to where he is staying. i get there and there is some people there waiting for him. not homeless, but near homeless total methheads complete trash human beings. one of them was so insane he wouldnt shut the fuck up the entire time. he was literally basically talking to himself and it didnt matter to him who listened or not, but he acted like someone was listening. so i smoked meth with them at the camp, because i did it before so i figure why not. just once, you know. cant hurt just once to smoke some meth with a homeless dude and some complete meth heads. anyways, i spend the entire day with this dude smoking meth. i end up completely losing my mind. by the time i get home ive smoked meth with him like 8 times and its been 24 hours since i left home, or more even. this is when i first experienced my meth psychosis where it was images from hell, black hands coming out of the closet, black shadow monsters with a three pronged head, people that looked realistic as fuck just hanging out in my closet, evil shit like that. it lasted for hours.

so anyways, flash forward to about a year or so later, i meet a person at the same casino, this time im drunk, and we start talking about dmt. i heard about dmt from joe rogan and wanted to kind of maybe try it out, and this chick there apprantly did it all the time and said she could hook me up. i was really drunk and gave them a 200 dollar chip because they were talking about how they didnt have money for milk for their kids at home, and i won about 900 dollars easy that night, so i figured id help 'em out. well, anyways, one fat bitch that did not say her children were starving at home grabbed the chip, her friend basically, and ran into the casino. this is the bitch that was going to introduce me to satan and get me addicted to meth. i started hanging out with her quite often at the casino because she was really pestering me about hanging out with her (i guess she liked the idea of me throwing money at her, and big money at that), so she used me to pay for her gambling for a bit. im a weird guy and kind of lonely, and so it was fun for me to hang out with this 40 something year total fat loser ugly methhead bitch, just to hang out. we kept hanging out here and there at the casino, and eventually we headed to the other girl's place to do dmt. thats where i met god on dmt. i also got shown the finger pretty aggressively and abrasively on dmt as well, but thats neither here nor there.

so anyways, it appears these two chicks are "functioning methheads", as they told me. it was a secret they were telling me when i was at the meth house. the meth house was infected with rats and flies and was dirty as fuck. her husband hung around in the garage that was super cold and was watching the security cameras on his tv. he was dirty as fuck, he was covered with grease head to toe. about in his 50s. he came out to see me do the dmt. when he came in, the sky was there instead of the ceiling behind him. but thats neither here nor there. so as im about to leave, they offer me a rail to snort, a real fat one, even two maybe, of meth.

so i do this rail and head back to the casino where i end up hanging out with two homeless chicks and talking to them about my recent dmt experience. i hung out with them because one of them recognized me from outside the smoke pit where i was sitting just chilling, she just comes up to the screen and says hey, remember me. i gave her like 200 bucks to just hang out with her once. actually, funny story, it was the same chick i did heroin with when i was high on mdma and hanging out with homeless people.

i was high as a kite on meth that day. i did two HUGE rails.

my eyes were all fucked up, one was going this way, and the other was going another way.

i think i came home and had another psychosis, i dont remember.

so anyways, flash forward like half a year or so, and this covid thing happens. i got laid off from my job, so all i did was drink alcohol all day in my room till i passed out and then did it all over again. i got pretty sick of it about a month in, and so i emailed the bitch that took the 200 dollar chip to hang out. i was drunk. she said yeah sure come on over, i have a lady friend over you will like her.

so i show up at her place, and so i am super drunk, and i smoke the meth that they pass around. this is now my third or fourth time doing meth. and this girl is there, and she starts talking dirty about sucking cock and what not. she is high on meth and ghb. she was in the bathroom basically pleasuring herself while we were out in the living room talking and her 11 year old son was in his room playing video games. thats meth life for you. her husband was in the living room just sitting there staring at the wall. another meth head.

so before i leave, she tells me, hey, why dont you take a bunch of this meth for free, you can snort it if you'd like.

i kind of felt something was off about that, but free meth i couldnt refuse, so i took it thinking ill just have it stashed in my room and then get rid of it.

so a few more weeks passed, and i somehow got into fentanyl. i think i bought it off some homeless person, tried it, and loved it. so i bought some more, and there was this one fateful day where i was high on fentanyl, but my friend wanted me to hang out with him real quick while he was doing door dash runs, so i obliged. but i was kind of tired from the fentanyl, so i took some meth to snort, or eat, cause i read online eating it is much safer, and so i ate some meth and actually felt better. it counteracted the fentanyl. so i get home and i take some more of the meth that this meth bitch gave me, and then i go off into the street walking into the homeless shelter to hang out with any chick that will do it, for some money i guess. and guess who i meet there, this homeless guy on a bike. i forget about the chick situation, and start hanging out with him again, once more smoking a bunch of meth all day long.

and then it took off from there somehow. i think i started doing meth every second week around that time. i dont quite remember the details of how i got hooked. i remember there was a porno i watched for the first time high on meth, and i took the meth with the intention to enjoy the porno because i read meth and sex mix really well together, the gay orgies stories and all that. and surprise, surprise, i end up jerking off for 24 hours straight. to the same 1 and half hour porno. just watching it over and over again. i didnt cum the entire time. it was just straight up jerking my dick, without getting up to drink or do anything, or even changed position, for 24 hours straight of jerking my dick. after that moment i think i got hooked on meth. and here i am now, suicidal without meth. keep in mind all the meth i was getting was from that 200 dollar chip fat meth bitch. she was ripping me off big time. thats why she gave me the free meth, to get me hooked so she could rip me off continuously.

oh and my best friend introduced me to mdma, so i blame him for everything.

im autistic btw. i was diagnosed as Asperger's syndrome by a therapist in my twenties.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5021566&forum_id=2#44725813)

heroin does that as well, but differently. thats what these drugs offer, complete escape from reality.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5021566&forum_id=2#44725851)

https://adai.uw.edu/pubs/pdf/2021opioidsstimulants.pdf

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5021566&forum_id=2#44727828)