Suddenly my chief science officer knocked on the door. "It's an emergency!" he said urgently. My face flushed. The combination of his adorable but svelte 5'5" build, spiky hair, withdrawn demeanor, and in-depth knowledge of facts about stuff was overwhelming, but he had made it clear on many occasions that he was already flooded with female attention and I should just keep it to myself. In all likelihood there are other men with similar characteristics I'm very attracted to but never make it known, maybe even some on this board. I just hope I can get the confidence to express my feelings, maybe through winning some sort of popularity/attractiveness contest against a popular figure here.

"That big star with a cool name is going nova," he said. "But there is something fishy about it. The radiative perturbations and the other cool concept stuff with cool names are coming at us disproportionately to how a normal, quasi-random nova would behave." I knew instantly who it was. It was the Chadulon Empire! Ever since I rose to prominence as one of the galaxy's most prominent ship captains they had resented my outspoken adoration for classier, less sexually experienced, less socially adept men, especially those with certain voting patterns in message board "madness" contests. These gross hulking beasts with their inefficient height, yucky muscles, and scary looking penises were out to get me indeed and they had blown up a sun to do so. Starstuff shrapnel was headed our way at warp speed!

"What do you want me to do?" I said, looking up at my chief science officer (I had been in a bathrobe kneeling in front of my video monitor thing with a cooler futuristic name, so I had to look up because my eyes were at about his waist). "You're the expert. I'll do whatever you need."

He furrowed his brow and his spiky hair almost seemed to spark a little bit, but maybe it was just how deliciously greasy it always was. "There is a way if we repurpose our wyrmcannons," he said finally. "I can set them up to delay plasma transfusion until a few seconds after they hit air. This will give them time to quantum distribution concept thing. But I will need a certain kind of surface that I am not sure we have."

"What sort of surface?" I asked. "Well," he said, "we are going to need an almost perfectly curved surface in order to achieve the correct quantum plasma arc. In addition the material will need to be highly elastic as anything less will allow imperfections to develop over the course of the barrage. Furthermore the surface will need to be moving at a very high speed in a sort of back and forth motion so that it can provide the right gyroscopic ascent."

"Well," I said, "I only know of one thing like that on this ship. I just... I just hope it's up to the task. I've worked so hard on it." I stood up, turned around, and removed my bathrobe, trying hard to remember everything I'd learned about twerking. I bent half over my glass table, stuck out my hips, bit my lip, and prepared for what I knew was going to be a painful but necessary onslaught.

And that's the story of how a diminutive Asian man saved the galaxy from icky male Chad entitlement by shooting goo on my ass. And that's why you should vote for me in Megaposter Madness, have a great day!

(https://xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=3082478&forum_id=2#29478913)

btw can i buy you a drink?

(https://xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=3082478&forum_id=2#29480021)

*is banned from local french bistro*

(https://xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=3082478&forum_id=2#29480042)