Fucking relationship killer.

(https://xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=1264503&forum_id=2#14560372)

you understand this

(https://xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=1264503&forum_id=2#14594207)

My girlfriend suggested that the two of us embark on an adventure together. She handed me a red plastic box, which I surveyed eagerly. "New Super Mario Brothers, Wii" I gasped, glancing at the colorful artwork and playful letters splashed across the cover. I recalled fondly those early years, where as a young child I battled fiercely into the night against the scoundrel Bowser, often failing, but on occasion besting the reptilian reprobate and securing peace once again in the Mushroom Kingdom. I immediately agreed, and we embarked on our fateful adventure.

It started out pleasantly enough. The outlying areas of the Mushroom Kingdom are often green and pleasant and relatively agreeable, even to novice players. In retrospect I do confess some confusion regarding a small handful of my girlfriend's maneuvers on those early levels, though these seemingly sporadic lapses were not grievous enough to call her competence entirely into question. However, it was not long before our adventure together took a decidedly dark turn...

Soon, we approached the precipice of a deep canyon, and I cautioned my girlfriend to remain still while I leapt across to defeat an approaching goomba, thus securing her safe passage across the gap. This was a fairly routine undertaking, as the gap was not significantly large and I was fortified with a fire flower, which provided some security in the unlikely event that I failed to accurately gauge the goomba's speed as it approached me on the other side. Accordingly, I leapt out across the pit with little hesitation. Though my objective seemed relatively simple, it had not occurred to me that my girlfriend, tasked only with remaining completely still - or, failing that, to merely refrain from engaging in a course of conduct that would inadvertently cost me my life - would be unable to accomplish her most basic assignment. A wave of horror washed over me when, as I leapt out across the gap, my girlfriend inexplicably leapt into the air as well. With startling precision (the sort of unholy precision that only the entirely random acts of an utter fool could accomplish, and likely never again replicate) she landed squarely atop my head, and quickly leapt again from my head to the safety of the ledge on the other side. One needs only a basic understanding of the physics of the Mushroom Kingdom to recognize how this cruel calamity promptly sent me hurtling into the deep chasm below, never to be seen again. It also bears noting that my girlfriend's karma was swiftly brought into balance at the hands of the goomba that awaited her on the other side of the pit. And this was how my girlfriend, tasked only with remaining still, managed to take both of our lives with one clumsy, maddening mistake. Things only got worse.

I will spare you the minutiae of the remainder of our disastrous adventure together, but suffice it to say that I have never encountered anyone so completely devoid of competence and poise under pressure as my girlfriend. It seemed at times that when the chaotic circumstances we encountered aroused her into a state of panic, her objective shifted subconsciously from calculated self-preservation to recklessly negligent oafishness, of which I was typically the unwitting victim. It was utterly astounding how frequently her bumbling actions appeared skillfully contrived to sabotage our joint undertaking. In fact, were she not so patently incompetent, one might accuse her of subterfuge, though I doubt even the most respected masters of the game could as efficiently and consistently undermine my success.

I will say nothing of the awful fate that she brought down upon our stalwart companion Yoshi on several occasions.

Needless to say, as the punishingly hot afternoon wore on to twilight and darkness, my patience began to wither along with my sense that Lady Toadstool would ever be saved, given the oppressive burden placed upon me by my hapless and incompetent ally. Our morale became further strained when I pointed out to my girlfriend that her total ineptitude in this and all other aspects of her life was the primary reason she would never earn a salary commensurate with mine. My girlfriend is inclined to take umbrage at any suggestion that her unfortunate gender is inferior in any respect, though her incessant bumbling and homicidal incompetence in the face of even the slightest adversity belie her paleo-feminist prattle. Additionally, I introduced to her the notion that the story unfolding before us - her burdensome presence in the adventure, quite self-evidently a detriment to my success - was roughly allegorical to her role in my life, and that her success as a girlfriend would begin to mirror her success in the Mushroom Kingdom in the near future, should she choose to ignore the important lessons that life presents to her. Alas, she was unmoved by my words, as her gender is inclined to ignore the allegorical characteristics of video games (another feminine shortcoming that I eagerly described to her that day, to no avail).

The coup de grace came mere minutes later. Tensions were still high, due to a brutal but entirely deserved dressing-down that I had given her after she pursued a mushroom as it slid off a cliff and into a gaping void below (she did in fact catch the mushroom as she fell, and I suspect that she gleaned some small pleasure from seeing her character double in size while falling to his untimely doom). We cautiously pressed forward and discovered a cruel and dangerous wall of Bullet Bill Blasters. My girlfriend, who at this time was on her fifteenth continue, led the charge. I instructed her to remain still while I jumped over her head, intending to land atop the Bullet Bill that was swiftly approaching our position. However, the presence of the fairly innocuous threat in her vicinity sent my girlfriend into an unbridled panic, and she elected instead to jump towards the Bullet Bill. Not surprisingly, she did not bear the brunt of her inexplicable conduct, as she jumped directly underneath me, bouncing me off of her head directly into the oncoming Bullet that I had initially sought to conquer. As this was my last life, she was orphaned, left to complete the level on her own. However, without me shouldering the burden of her horrendous incompetence, she was dead within seconds.

It was then that we abandoned the cursed adventure. Amid accusations that she had lied about playing Super Mario Brothers since childhood (how on Earth can one play a game for over two decades and not acquire even the most basic fundamentals of play??) our once-confident team was shattered. In the weeks that followed, I felt like a bitter, empty husk of a man. Never before had Bowser and his nefarious gang of hooligans bested me so completely. At night, I lay awake weeping for poor Lady Toadstool, still trapped in the bowels of Bowser’s dungeons, as Bowser’s hordes circle the sky menacingly in flying airships, deep in the land of lava and fire. They are ever-vigilant, eyeing the horizon for any sign that Lady Toadstool’s white knight approaches. Alas, Lady Toadstool’s fate is sealed. Her white knight tosses and turns restlessly in his bed, cursing the slumbering buffoon beside him.

(https://xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=1264503&forum_id=2#16944087)

IF YOU HAD WRITTEN IT YOU'RESELF FAGGOT

(https://xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=1264503&forum_id=2#16944419)

powerful commentary on the underlying sexual dynamic

(https://xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=1264503&forum_id=2#16969687)

heartbreaking 180. attidood runs shit.

(https://xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=1264503&forum_id=2#17020526)

http://arbiteronline.com/files/2010/02/Harsin.jpg

(https://xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=1264503&forum_id=2#17020633)

BF caught me looking at porn, still brings it up as CHEATING

http://patrickhamm-scandal.blogspot.com/2011/01/patrick-hamm-scandal.html

http://lenachen-nude.blogspot.com/

http://lenachennude8.blogspot.com/2011/01/patrick-hamm-harvard-scandal.html

http://lenachennude7.blogspot.com/2011/01/lena-chen-nude-pictures-full-set.html

http://www.topix.com/forum/city/portageville-mo/TM3O8B0SG68KDJABC

http://www.squidoo.com/patrickhammscandal

http://encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php?title=Patrick_Hamm&redirect=no

http://poponthepop.com/2008/06/17/harvard-teacher-assault-posted-on-twitter-flickr-and-blogs/

http://www.yelp.com/topic/boston-lena-chen

http://lenachenskankwatch.blogspot.com/2010/03/lol-patrick-hamm-makes-business-call.html

lol, Patrick Hamm is just another fuckbuddy, sez Lena Chen

http://patrickhammscandal.newsvine.com/_news/2008/06/07/1551800-scandal-hits-harvard

http://tweetmeme.com/story/116502023/patrick-hamm-and-span-classhighlightlenaspan-chen-encyclopedia-dramatica

http://digg.com/news/offbeat/Harvard_Scandal_Patrick_Hamm_Lena_Chen

http://dontdateherdude.ning.com/forum/topics/2004830:Topic:1687?commentId=2004830%3AComment%3A3154

http://rollyo.com/search.html?prevsid=383649&q=Patrick%20Hamm&sid=383649

http://www.fornits.com/wwf/viewtopic.php?f=22&t=27709

http://patrickhammscandal2.blogspot.com/2010/12/how-patrick-hamm-sexploited-his-student.html

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100309114802AAtXFWI

http://patrickhammscandal.wordpress.com/2008/06/08/has-lena-chen-gotten-her-advisor-pwned/

http://ytmnd.com/keywords/patrick_hamm

http://lenachenskankwatch.blogspot.com/2010/03/3-blog-posts-lena-chen-now-regrets.html

http://lenachenskankwatch.blogspot.com/2010/02/whos-paying-lena-chens-bills.html

http://www.anonboard.com/bbs/show_topic/189098

http://bostonist.com/2008/05/29/lena-chen-photo.php

http://dankprofessor.wordpress.com/2009/02/08/harvard-coed-reveals-sexual-relationship-with-harvard-tf/

http://lenachenharvard.blogspot.com/2009/07/while-ms.html

http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Camwhore

Why is Lena Chen such a fat cunt?

http://memegenerator.net/Aryan-Dude/ImageMacro/4884430/Patrick-Hamm-Rapist

http://www.yelp.com/topic/boston-lena-chen

http://digg.com/news/offbeat/Harvard_Blogger_Lena_Chen_interview_on_nude_pix_scandal

http://lenachenskank.blogspot.com/2009/07/lena-chen-nude-pics-scandal.html

http://thisrecording.wordpress.com/2008/05/23/in-which-thats-probably-just-ice-cream-on-your-mouth/

http://gawker.com/5011281/worst-overshare-anywhere-ever

http://lenachenskankwatch.blogspot.com/2010/03/lena-chen-writes-college-thesis.html

http://dontdateherdude.ning.com/forum/topics/2004830:Topic:1687?commentId=2004830%3AComment%3A3154

http://boinkology.com/2008/05/28/so-wait-is-jizz-safe-for-work-or-not/

http://digg.com/news/entertainment/How_Blogger_Lena_Chen_got_kicked_out_of_Harvard

http://tweetmeme.com/story/115836249/how-blogger-span-classhighlightlenaspan-chen-got-kicked-out-of-harvard

ywia: Lena Chen nude http://www.upload.mn/view/kx789li7q5i6xfam

http://poponthepop.com/2008/06/17/harvard-teacher-assault-posted-on-twitter-flickr-and-blogs/

http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/faqz6/college_students_reprimanded_for_surfing_pornblog/

Harvard Asian slut to be the next Kaavya

http://twitter.com/deepatroat

http://lenachenskankwatch.blogspot.com/

Well, I guess we hurt Lena Chen's feelings

http://tweetmeme.com/story/116502023/patrick-hamm-and-span-classhighlightlenaspan-chen-encyclopedia-dramatica

http://digg.com/news/offbeat/Blogger_Lena_Chen_s_New_Squeeze_Patrick_Hamm

Lena Chen interview on Lena Chen nude pix scandal

(https://xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=1264503&forum_id=2#16970024)